Lost my soul mate

by Lorraine

I lost my husband of 30yrs on the 13 November 2011 he was 54 to Pancreatic cancer, i dont know how to go on without him all i do is cry family and friends keep saying it will get better i know they mean well but they dont understand how i am feeling inside, i cared for him for 10mths i knew his illness was terminal but i put that back of my mind always thinking we would grow old together, ime so angry at the mo why did he have to leave me life is so unfair, i try to keep my self busy its not the same i did every thing for my husband and now feel lost, we had no children so all i do is sit there most days looking at the four walls, i do and try to watch movies i filmed of us but that makes it worse all i do is cry when i hear his voice, he wanted to be creamated and his ashes brought home so its a comfort because i know he his here with me and i do say i love you every morning and night, this is the first christmas on my own in 30yrs and i am finding it so hard my hubby loved christmas

Comments for Lost my soul mate

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 29, 2014
Lost my soul mate
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Lorraine and everyone else on this site.
It has been awhile since I posted on any site. I still come on daily and read other posts. Losing the love of our life is the most heart breaking experience. unless someone has experienced our loss,they will never truly understand or get it,as I say.
This is going be my 4th Thanksgiving without my husband of 46 years. I miss him daily and the holiday's are no longer the same. I put on this happy face for family, yet I still ache inside.
Next year on June 26th we would be married 50 years. Instead of celebrating our 50th wedding anniversay on June 26th, it will be another reminder that I belong to this club; we no longer celebrate wedding anniversarries. Instead it will be 4 years on June 27th that Red died.
We do go on; life goes on. I still feel a part of me is missing. I have made alot of new lady friends; do alot of things together; yet I would like my old life back. That isn't going to happen. I am living my new life. I say my life is an adventure. I ask God daily to guide me and show me the way. I still talk to Red daily telling him I will always love and miss him.
Memories are all we have left; cherish them and be grateful we had these loving people in our lives at all. We would all have liked to have more years with our love, but that wasn't God's plan.

Oct 29, 2014
a loss is not just a loss by death
by: Anonymous

I lost my soul mate of 53 years from memory loss (alzheimer dementia what ever you want to call it). Watching them go away slowly is so hard.

Jan 31, 2014
by: Elisa

Dear Lorraine,

I just posted a message to you, cheryl, tony, trish, etc., but then I realized that your husband died of pancreatic cancer like mine.
It was a battle that he tried to fight and lost. It's one of the most lethal cancers of them all.

We're not alone, and everything you and everyone said on this site is how I feel, and then some.

Take care. Love, Elisa

Jan 31, 2014
to:Kat, Cheryl, Tony, Anonymous, Zoe, Pat J., Lorraine, Trish
by: Elisa

January 31, 2014

To everyone named above who wrote here. All of you said it all for me, another widow who never wanted to be part of this club we are now in, united by our heartache.

I lost my Hugo to pancreatic neuroendocrine/liver cancer; we were married 44 years, knew each other 46 years before he died.

All of you said everythng I feel, and I can only add this: I am not insane, yet, losing Hugo has made me seem so different to those who don't understand this pain: but some days and nights I ask God to send him back home; or I ask God to let me go to sleep and never wake up. I also try to figure out the real deal about heaven and the afterlife. I also look for signs that he is watching over me, and still with me in spirit.

I am so depressed at times that I don't know what to do. In the beginning, I wasn't eating, but now I do because I was getting too weak.

I feel as though I can't do anything without my husband. I miss everything; I miss being "us" and now I'm just "me." Family, friends don't really comfort me the way I need comforting--only my husband could do that. I worry about this house, everything, making decisions alone when I made them together with him for 46 years, from the smallest decision to major things. I'm lost. Don't ever believe I will get over this grief until I die.

God bless us all, and love, Elisa

Dec 19, 2013
Cant do this without my best friend
by: Kat

December 28 will be one year anniversary of my husbands death from a 9 month battle with cancer. He was an exercise person, didn't smoke, drink and we grew our own veggies. I am so in denial. I lost my 21 year old son 11 years ago. I feel like God hates me or something. We have been fighting for awhile. Me and God that is. I watched my best friend go from 57 and healthy to looking like 90 swollen and having an extreme painful death of brain mets and liver failure. We don't know where it started. I pray to die every day. I hate this world its cold and cruel and wish it were over. Sorry to be a downer but I just hate living. I refuse to have anything to do with Christmas this year. Not doin so well.

Sep 08, 2013
My soulmate, my cowboy
by: cheryl

I just lost my wonderful, loving soulmate and cowboy on August 4th 2013. I feel so lost! I don't know who I am, why I am, or what to do next. He filled my world with his love and all that he is. I feel like a plate of leftovers ready for the garbage. Is there really anything else? I don't know. I have gone back to work and try to fill my days with senseless stuff, but it doesn't take much for a word, a song, a movie, a sound, or anything to set me off into a spiral of pain. I know he's in a better place and I know he is free of the constant pain he endured daily from deteriating body that just wouldn't heal from years of cowboying, car racing, motorcyle riding, and living a life of total enjoyment.... He said he'd lived a 'good life' many times. When he passed I was next to his bed in the hospital after a major stroke that left him with a large brain hemrage and comotose. I had time to tell him I loved him and allow him to move on to a better place. When he passed, I had a vision of him dancing in circles with the biggest smile on his face you could ever see. It was a beautiful site! But, now, here I am, feeling sorry for myself cause I don't have the pleasure of giving him a kiss and talking to him face to face. Enjoying an evening meal together and watching a scary movie. I have his ashes and keep them in his "man cave" in the garage where he loved spending his time. I know I need to move through this and find out who I am now. I've always been his helpmeet and in later years, his caretaker.....now....I dont know. I feel like a big blank page...:( I is helpful to me to know there are others that feel the kind of emptiness I feel....but I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone....

Oct 26, 2012
the price of loving someone
by: Anonymous

nearly a year ago after a long battle with a brain tumour my wonderful husband lost his fight for life we had been together for 30 years since i was 15 years old i had to watch him deteriorating day by day losing his speech his mobility and his dignity he was one of the best people you could wish to meet and never lost his fighting spirit or will to live the day he took his last breath was the saddest day of my life i felt as though my heart had been ripped out i loved him with all my heart and always will some days i feel back to square one it seems unbearable to be here without him i can be surrounded by people and feel so lonely and feel closer to him when i m alone but there is no choice life goes on and i know i have to set an example to my children and live a worthwhile life not a wasted one exactly as my husband would want me to i still count my blessings that i have been so privaleged to have been so loved and to have so many lovely memories some people go through life having never been truly loved this terrible empty hole in my heart is the price i will always pay for loving someone so much but he is worth every single tear i have shed and i ve shed millions x

Dec 24, 2011
The Priceless Soul Mate....
by: Tony

Dear deprived of your soul mates,
I lost my priceless precious wife on the 10th of December, 2011, from brain cancer - glioblastoma, or Ted Kennedy's disease. When we knew what she had, it only took 3 weeks because it had been misdiagnosed for about 2 months as a heart problem. Joan explicitly directed me to declare DNR, and wrote down "no heroic efforts". 2 weeks later she was gone in the way they described. The only good part of this type of cancer is that it's painless.
After almost 3 weeks, I feel like I'm a walking dead man and can't even focus on TV programs without waves of painful crying ambushing me. I'm alone, retired and have a great family who'd be here at my beckoning but it doesn't seem to do much for me right now. I sure don't like hearing from some here that even after a year or two, that it's still so hurtful, but I think I do understand.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist and I do recommend it because he told me just yesterday that grief past a couple months should seek out professional help. I consider myself lucky because I've been seeing him for a few years for insomnia The meds help me sleep at night, but everything in our home reminds me of her. I'm sure the rest on here have googled these things and know the wisdom of it already.
I was told that it gets better with time, keeping busy and physically fit as possible. I wish it was a year later already.

Dec 23, 2011
Soul Mate
by: Zoe

My John was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer On March 10, 2010 he died on March 21, 2010. I didn't even get the chance to have hope, or kid myself that he might get better. My John also sits on my dresser. I told him I was putting him there so he would always be with me. Holidays are hard, everywhere you go, everywhere you look there are images of warm families. We don't have that. Last year was my first Christmas without John, so I refused to have Christmas. Sent presents from On line never set foot in a store.
For the record, it didn't work. It didn't hurt any less, the same tapes played in my head, the memories from before. This pain, this grief, it lashes us from one side to anothere, you never can quite get your footing. That is combined with a pain so intense that you can barely stand to breathe, much less actually talk to someone.
Unfortunately there are no answers. I can tell you that the pain... it .... changes.. it takes a different form. Your mind does, eventually fight through so that you can exist through the pain.
As always, when the pain is especially bad, remember one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Come here as often as you need to, we are here, we will listen and we do understand.

Dec 23, 2011
Lost my soul mate
by: Pat J

Like you, I lost my love of my life and my soul mate on June 27,2011; the day after our 46th wedding anniversary.
Does it get any easier, not really. I miss my husband so much, ust thnking about it causes this aful ache in my chest. I married him at the age of 18, right after raduating from high school. We have 5 adult children, 44, 41, 39, 36, and 35. They are very supportive to me, but they do have their own families and their life does go on. My life is forever changed; and lucky for me our secnd child, a son, still lives at home with me. He had discussed moving out, but with his dads death he has decided not to. He even tells me, we are the ones that lived with his dad everyday, and our life has really changed.
All we can do is tke it one day at a time; these first holidays are difficult; everything without our spouse is difficult, but we are still alive and they would want us to be happy. Take it one day at a time, with Gods help. Pray to him,he and our spouse are always with us.
God Bless you and know you ARE NOT ALONE.

Dec 22, 2011
I Know
by: Anonymous

It doesn't,t get better. At least not yet. This is my second Christmas without my Roger. I do write him a letter every night. I tell him everything and end with how much I love him and miss him. There is so much I wanted to say to him so I say it in my letters. It makes me feel close to him for a while. The pain is so terrible. I hope you find your peace. I am still looking for mine.

Dec 22, 2011
We Here For You
by: TrishJ

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband just a little over a year ago. For six months I lived my live in crisis mode. I cried, I kept thinking about that horrible last day when Joe took his last breath and asked God, "WHY ME???" Nobody around me understood because they haven't lost a spouse.
I also cared for my husband. I was used to going 90 miles per hour with 4 -5 hours sleep at night. Then all of a sudden I had nothing to do. Nothing to do but watch TV and, as you say, look at the 4 walls. I do have two children but they have their own young families and work full time.
The first 6 months is so hard. You feel like your entire world exploded in your face. The emptiness is so overwhelming. The pain is fierce. I didn't think there was much hope for me. I still have bad days where I cry if someone looks at me wrong. The holidays are hard.
You can only take your life one day at time and don't push yourself too much. Your emotions are raw and need to be tended to. You have to try to make some sense of your husband's death. I never thought my husband would actually leave he. He went through so much and so many close calls. The doctors always managed to bring him back from the brink of death. Not that last day. God decided to take him ~ I have to live with that. I still miss him. That never goes away.
I can tell you from my experience that it does get easier.......but it's always a work in progress. I have slid backwards a few times in the past few months. I still have what I call "dark days."
Try to find just a little happiness today. God bless.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!