Lost my true love, sweet daughter Jessica

by Billi
(Greenville, sc, USA)

My Jessica

My Jessica

November 13, 2013 my daughter passed away in my arms, i can still hear her taking her last breath. Total shock and she did not want to die, so young at 32 and 2 small children. Cancer is so ugly. I never leave my room, never dress but to go to doc, never sleep, and no one cones around anymore. 1st 2 mths my family and friends were so supportive, now nothing. They all think i am feeling sorry for myself. i hate my life . I want her back. Wished I had known she was about to die, 2 days is a shocker.

Comments for Lost my true love, sweet daughter Jessica

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May 19, 2014
Mother's Day
by: Doreen UK

Billi I feel your pain and wish I could be closer to you in person as this is what most of us need at such a time. THAT PERSONAL TOUCH AND PHYSICAL PRESENCE. I live in the UK but still with you in Spirit from across the pond.
Find strength in God. If I didn't have God on my side I would not be able to go on in life. I often wish God was here in PERSON when we need Him the most.
I understand what you say when you did not get even a single phone call from anyone when you sat for 4hrs with Jessica. Human nature is basically selfish and people are so busy with their own lives that they can't feel what you/we feel. It is a very hard place to be. I am in the same place. losing my husband to a deadly 3yrs battle with cancer was hard on me. Everyone has gone their own way and I am left alone. I know how you feel, when you say NO ONE CARES. Jesus Christ is the only person who has the capacity to Care for us the way we need it. He can't be with us in person but has sent us His Holy Spirit the Comforter. Reach out to him to cradle you now and take away this raw pain. I would have died by now if God was not holding me up. My grief is so great at the moment. I miss my husband so much. I talk but no one hears me or comments. I feel the same way as you. As if I don't matter. We can't survive well in isolation. I just need to search out the people just like us and I hope God puts them our way so we can comfort and support each other. It won't make up for what we have lost. But it may help us all get through each day better. May God be close to you and comfort you and hold you up so you can find life more manageable.

May 18, 2014
Mothers day
by: Billi

To all of us that want Mothers Day taken off the calendar. What did i do, sit with my Jessica for over 4 hrs,
Not 1 person called, my phone did not ring.
No one cares, no one wants to be near me.

I dont want to be near me.

Wish all yall lived near me......💔❤️💔❤️

May 18, 2014
by: Seana

When you are alone, try to do things that are still healthy for you and may help you find just a little peace...read, pray, exercise, meditate, remember Jessica and look at her beautiful pictures... Anything that will help your body and mind. I know you are not feeling sorry for yourself even if this is how you live forever. Losing you child is horrible, devastating, crushing... It's a whole new life for you now. If people don't understand, you don't need them in your life. You know, and you can be around other parents who have lost a child. We will help you. The pain never ends, we understand....

Mar 12, 2014
by: Anonymous

I had a daughter, her name was Vanissa, she died on Valentine's Day. Complications from the flu and pneumonia. She was my only child and my best friend. Vanissa was 36 years old. I am profoundly sad. We often had long conversations about everything. I would give anything to talk to her again.

Mar 10, 2014
by: Anonymous--MI

Doreen--you are right to say we can have self pity--sometimes I think what we are going through is so brutal that we HAVE to feel sorry for ourselves--after all, there seem to be times when no one else understands or even care about our grief. Life goes on, but we have a great burden to carry on our backs. I am so sad for all who have lost a loved one. May God lead us and guide us on this journey.

Mar 10, 2014
Dear Bill,
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your daughter. I lost my father, suddenly, a little over a year ago, and the pain is still raw and I know now that my heart will always be broken. There are still days when I cannot believe that he is gone, and I just start to cry. I have found such wonderful support on this website, everybody understands what you are going through. I hope you will be able to find some comfort and peace along the way as you continue to heal. Barb

Mar 10, 2014
To Billi....
by: Vickie

Billi, you are not alone. We all here know the pain you are feeling. My heart is with you and your beautiful daughter, I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost my handsome 21 year old son almost 3 years ago. Still to this day I do not live, I am only surviving. How can we live with ths pain? How can we go on and do the things we use to love to do when our child cannot. we are not feeling sorry for ourselves, we are trying to survive with half a soul. Only someone who has lost a child will understand. I wish I didn't have to wake up every morning and "live" with this pain but at the same time, trying to enjoy life would feel so wrong (pain either way)....twisted I know. It's like the pain has become a "normal" part of my life, woven into my very soul. I spend alot of time alone because it's easier that "faking" it when I'm around other people. Maybe that is why we think people are avoiding us, because we are avoiding them? At first I thought it was the other way around but now I know it's my doing. Also I think people sometimes don't know what to say so they may avoid us also. Don't ever feel selfish, grieve, your way, your time span. It helps me by believing my son is living somewhere, in the "next room"....it's just a room I am not allowed to go into yet. Try your best to take care of you and believe that one day you will be reunited with your beautiful daughter and I will be with my son and that day we will be happy again.

Mar 09, 2014
Self Pity v " Sorrow for Myself "
by: Doreen UK

Michelle I am sorry for your loss of your daughter to such a senseless tragedy that claimed her young life at the age of 22yrs. It is so unfair.
I applaud you for saying "Yes I do feel sorry for myself." You have that right. It is actually an insult for anyone to deny us that right. So many people don't grieve well or express how they really feel lest they be told that they are indulging in SELF PITY. Self pity should never be used against anyone who has lost a child/loved one and are grieving that loss. This is our own "Garden of Gethsemane" experience. The garden of Gethsemane was a place of deep sorrow where Jesus went to mourn the pain of what he had to bear in his life. He is acquainted with all our sorrows and grief's and is with us in it. WE must mourn till we are Healed. Jesus understands the pain of the soul and he would never use SELF PITY against us as a rod of correction. Because Self Pity is in essence. "SORROW FOR MYSELF." Self pity is an expression used by man in a legalistic way. So let us continue to freely express this Self pity as "Sorrow for ourselves" till we can recover from grief.

Mar 08, 2014
A thank You
by: Billi

You are so right....there are others.. So I should not just think about me. thank you Billi

Mar 08, 2014
Your daughter
by: Kate

My heart goes out to you,the sorrow and sadness of death is awful. I lost my son,no warning at 39. The shock of it and pain has been horrible. I understand your feelings. At some point we have to try to heal or live with bitterness and our child would not want that for us. This site has helped me be aware that others besides myself have this hard struggle of pain and I am not alone in my grief.we care and can share on here. Take one day at a time and one step at a time. It takes a long time to heal. I beg God to help me. Cyber hug.

Mar 08, 2014
Thanks all
by: Anonymous

Thanks for taking time so comment on my pity.

Michelle, 22 yrs old, wow. Would love to hear from you. Hard for me to talk and hard for me to live.

My doc just told me grieving over a loss of a child is the worst and treated like PDST, tell your doc. I have been through 4 and I think this one will help a bit.

Mar 08, 2014
Lost my true love, sweet daughter Jessica
by: Doreen UK

Billi I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful young daughter Jessica to this distressing disease of cancer.
I know what you mean about this ugly disease of cancer that is claiming so many lives every day. I am devastated by Cancer. My husband as a young man in his 20's cut asbestos as a carpenter. Not known then as a killer. My husband inhaled the Asbestos fibres which lodged in the lining of his lung and he developed an inoperable, incurable, aggressive malignant cancer which took 40yrs. to develop. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days and he died 22 months ago. He did not want to die and he had a very distressing painful death. I feel devastated every Saturday the day he died. I can't get through a Saturday without still feeling this deep distress. Memories return of how he was on this day of the week. What he did. How he loved to watch his football, and boxing. God knows what we are going through. Invite Him into your Life and let God carry you through this grief and heartache. He is our Comforter, and Saviour. We will have to go through some things in Life. But knowing God is going through it with us helps us cope better. But it still HURTS. It is still a very HARD PLACE to be right now. Being isolated with grief is much harder. WE must try and change this part of our lives so that it will limit the pain we have to endure. May God meet you in your sorrow and Give you his Peace and Comfort and bring you through each day till you recover from your grief.

Mar 08, 2014
by: Michelle

I UNDERSTAND! I lost my daughter January 2013 and I still hate my life. She was 22. She left that morning for a run and was hit by a truck. I cry everyday and you know what? I do feel sorry for myself. Every rotten day. It's humanly impossible to feel this pain unless you have lost a child. They can't understand therefore I do not reach out. I'm so sorry :(. I look at your Jessica and I see my Megan, full of life with so much life to live but yet stripped away in a heartbeat. If given a chance and choice I'd be with Megan, I just don't have the guts to take my own life but yet I am in misery everyday.
You are alone but yet you are not, we who have lost children walk the same path. Hugs

Mar 08, 2014
Lost my love my sweet daughter Jessica.
by: Lilly

My haertfelt condolabces to you..
NO you are NOT feeling sorry for yourself..
for mother to lose her child has to be the most devastating thing on earth..

I understand how you must feel and will continue feeling..

I lost my mother February 14/2014.. Losing parent or child is the worst pain on earth..

One year in losing your daughter is like it happened yesterday...

Grieve my friend, but if things really get bad maybe talk to you Dr or Priest..

The pain of loosing your child might never go away , but it will get lighter as the years go by..

Sweetie, my heart goes to you..

Sending you an Angel to make your pain more bearable..

Hugs from,
Lilly and cats. xxxxxx

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