Lost my younger brother
My younger brother died in Jan 2012 - two months before his 30th birthday. He was an alcoholic. Things had gotten unbearably bad towards the end - he had been in and out of hospital due to various drinking related issues. He was still living at home with our Mum and I was so angry and frightened by his behaviour that I'd stopped visiting. I still spoke to my Mum on a regular basis, but the last time I'd been home, I had been taking an afternoon nap and woke up to a house full of paramedics and police because my brother had a drink related seizure on the way to buy more alcohol. After that, I stopped going home.
I howled - I can't think of a more accurate description of the noise I made - when my Mum called me to tell me my brother was dead. After that, I didn't cry much. My (divorced) parents fell to pieces and I had to organise the funeral. I know it's sexist, but for a daughter to watch her Dad cry is really heartbreaking.
Mixed in with the difficult, painful memories from his adult life, I have some beautiful ones too from when we were growing up. When he was very little, he was my little shadow - he followed me everywhere. As he got older, it became apparent how intelligent he was - and so funny. So funny. No one's ever made me crack up with laughter the way he did. He was also very sensitive and spend a lot of time pondering and worrying about the big questions in life, and in particular, all the unfairness and inequalities in the world.
Now, ten months later, I can't move for grief. I am crying all the time and can't function properly.
It's just so incredibly sad and unfair. I wonder why someone so smart and funny became addicted to alcohol. I am also so angry at him for not being strong enough to fight it and get better. In my head, I have this whole other normal life for him where he wasn't drinking and instead he went to university, got a good job and settled down with someone he loved and had a little family. In reality, he sat in his room alone and slowly drank himself to death over the course of a ten year period.
I miss him and I feel completely overwhelmed with the loss of him at times - particularly at the moment. I know that my grief wll never go away, and will become bearable in time, but right now I feel like my world is slowly collapsing in on me.
I'm not religious. Maybe it would be easier to cope with if I were, but if you are up there somewhere little brother - I miss you so much x