lost out

I got a phone call yesterday, someone reading the obituaries saw my dads. He had passed away on may 8th. The call came on may 19th. I came from a big disfunctional family. Six kids grandchildren brothers sisters aunts uncles. Not one of those picked up a phone to tell me my dad had died. They thought reading it in a newspaper would be better. I have lost all hope for humanity that an entire family could be so evil as to not tell a child her father was dead. My sons loved their grandpa jack and they heard about losing their grandfather by reading it in the obituaries. There really is evil in the world it is just disguised as your family members.
So sad!

Comments for lost out

Click here to add your own comments

May 30, 2014
by: Anonymous

The same thing happened to me. Unbelievably jealous siblings.

May 21, 2013
Lost out
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so sorry for your loss of your dad and how you discovered this news. There really is no excuse even in a dysfunctional family for someone to not contact you with this news. It is so very CRUEL and INEXCUSABLE.
There are differing degrees of dysfunction in a family and I don't think it is EVIL as much as totally INCONSIDERATE,UNKIND,UNLOVING, UNJUST, CRUEL, AND to a degree malicious in intent in some family members. It depends on your placement in your family and the family dynamics that dictates the outcome of being distant, and uncaring.
Many people don't establish a good BOND within their family framework for different reasons. Each member then becomes distant and it can be very hard to communicate and come together. But it is possible with good therapy/counselling for change to take place.
Often it takes a death in the family to either fracture the family more where they can't repair the damage and other times it can work the opposite and bring families together. It is so sad when families fall apart and can't come together to build bridges and carry on their history. It is then the succeeding generations suffer by losing their history and it can cause some an IDENTITY PROBLEM they can have for years or even life preventing the family structure from being repaired. It then causes the family to move further apart. But it can take only one person to make the first move to help bring family members together and build Love into a family that has died. I am sorry for your loss of your father and the loss of family.

May 21, 2013
Dear Lost Out,
by: Pat in Missouri

I totally agree with you. Not telling a daughter that her own father has died is deplorable, but I would not call it evil. I am sure family dysfunction is a contributing factor. Whatever the reason, it will not help you to harbor anger and hatred toward your family. Your best bet is to take care of yourself. As I heard Dr. Ph** say, recently, DNA is no excuse for hurting a another.

If it feels right, maintain distance from the others at least for while. Trying to contact them, at this point, will likely lead to unfavorable reactions that no one wants. You might want to see your pastor, a counselor, or join a grief support group. I did that, myself, after losing 3 loved ones in 2011. What's great about the group is that everyone is there for the same reason. There is no blaming and no judgement. Members can lean on each other because they are all dealing with the same issue. You need to be with people who understand grief. Yours is a particularly sad situation. You are not only missing your father, but you are angry and upset over your family's negligence in not notifying you. This is an added component that complicates grief.

It's not your fault, but I know you feel victimized. When no one in a large family could not take the time to notify you of your father's death and when the funeral would be, something is very wrong. If there is a grave close enough for you to visit, you might want to do that, then try doing things to memorialize your father so you can remember the good times you enjoyed with him. Try making a scrapbook of old photos and mementoes, writing poetry about him and about your feelings. Writing is an excellent way to get your anger and pain out. You might even write an article about something special you remember about your father and send it to the newspaper. If your family is only going to communicate with you through the newspaper, this would be a great way of letting them know how much your father meant to you and it would suggest that they need to be more open with you.

I really don't know you or your situation well enough to give you more specific advice, but living with grief, myself, and having also been in the mental health field, I can tell you, for sure, grief has to be treated just like an illness. Projecting your anger against your family will only intensify it, but if you get it out through counseling, beating your pillows, digging in the dirt to garden, or anything else you can actively do to get your anger out, without hurting anyone else, will help you.

I wish you well. You have lost more than just your father. I hope you can seek help and find some peace. I send you many hugs and good wishes. Pat

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Dads.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!