Lost Parents - Lost focus
I lost my mum to grief last year. The Death cert says cancer but she had lost her compass, my father, 9 months before. Her last year was not an easy one. She reverted to a childlike state, so totally lost. As her daughter and protector I struggled with doctors, family and social workers. I knew she had given up. I could see her willing her life to end. She kept a smile for me, but I watched her die every day. Her deterioration was dismissed as age (she was 80 when she died) right up to the week before we were told she was terminal. It was her last week. The professional (and I use the word loosely) attitude to and treatment of the elderly is horrific. I have a sort of comfort that because I chose to put my life on hold they were not alone in the last few years. People handle the decline of their parents in different ways some opt of the luxury of denial. It was not luxury I could afford. I’d love to say I handled it all with grace but there were plenty of times I desperately wanted an end.
At this point, I am also lost. Hospitals, doctors, social workers and grief took up all of my life for so long that finding my place in this world now is baffling to say the least. No one gets it, things that I enjoyed before nights -out etc are meaningless. And I was a party girl.
I chose to hope that I am in a transitional stage. I was not without my own baggage before both my parent got sick. Counselling, while effective is by its nature uncomfortable and disturbing. I have no idea where life will take me next. My mother was not my birth mother and although that caused its own tension it was in the end utterly irrelevant. My heart broke as any daughters would.
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