I lost my little sister in April 2010. She suffered from the torment of anorexia for years. It went on so long it almost became "normal" and I feel like we as a family just accepted it and stopped trying to help because it did no good. She rejected all help, even though she went through treatment, as soon as she got out of hospital she just fell straight back into the vile mental illness that is anorexia. Nothing we did helped. It had too strong a hold on her. I feel guilty beyond words. I try to remind myself that I visited her in hospital, despite working long hours,every day. I attempted to talk to her about it over and over. I took time off work to attend family therapy sessions with her. I paid for her private therapy. But I was her older sister and I just can't get past the guilt and shame of not being good enough to save her. I feel like a failure. I have a rage in me that explodes at the wrong time, at people who don't deserve it. I am suffering. I don't know who to vent the anger at, usually myself. I have low self-esteem and anxiety. I'm angry at various family members for not doing more. For not paying her enough attention. For not knowing what to do. It feels like dealing with a suicide. It needn't have happened. It could have been stopped. And now I'm left behind and causing pain to others that love me. Is this complicated grief? Will it get better? Will I ever be able to accept what happened?
I do not believe there is anything you or anyone else could do for your sister except to love her and attempt to help her just like you did. Some people, for whatever reason, cannot be saved from themselves. That is just the way that it is with addictions or compulsions. There are those that respond to help and those that don't. It doesn't make it hurt any less and certainly feelings of inadequacy are normal but you must remember you did participate in helping her and you did participate in her life. Whatever her reasons or compulsions she did not want her life and that is was her bond, not yours. Hold on and remember that you are choosing life and with that choice comes hope.
It won't be easy but you must not blame yourself for things or persons that cannot change.
forgive your self by: Brenda
I am 54 I have been in and out of treatments for many many yrs, I am 5'5 and my weight the lowest 97 pounds. I lost all my teeth and my hair. I now weight is 185 i hate it. Its not you, it was the way she felt about herself. It is hard because we think if we are skinny people will like us more, and we will like are self, and the boys will turn heads. It is all about how we feel. Nobody can take that away, I remember when my mom did not eat I know one time it was 21days, but i never remember my mom eating at all and if I ask her she said because we did not have enough food. So please it is not you.
TO LOST by: Anonymous
Be kind to yourself dear one. Because you, too, are a victim. You are in severe pain for something you couldn't help anymore. You did all you could. Mental episodes are unpredictable and leave us helpless sometimes. Your sister has left her problems behind. She is at peace now. I pray that God will grant you peace that you so need right now. You are still in deep grief. And that's ok. Go through this process at your own pace. No one is responsible when a tragdy like this happens, and your sister had help and a family of loved ones. With time, somewhere out there, your pain will begin to scar over, and heal your soul. BLess you.
