Lost Soul mate....
(Johannesburg, South Africa)
I lost my husband 1 month after our traditional wedding and 16 days before our white wedding! If I never went insane in that period, I don’t think I ever will.
The 1st May 2011 marked 5 months since the loss of my husband, but it still feels like it all happened yesterday….
1st December 2010: my husband went missing, I could not get hold of him the whole day, and knowing him, he would not wake up and not call me. I called his office, only to find out from his pa that he has not been in since the morning. I started to panic. I work 130km from home, so after I knocked off I drove straight home. He was not there, I sat and waited till the following morning where my aunt came 300km to come and break the news to me that he was no more. He passed away on the 1st December 2010, at 11:30pm in a horrific car accident!
Initially the news came as a shock, but I quickly recovered, and started with the funeral arrangements. The funeral went well, and then there I was all alone again, after everyone has gone. Our honeymoon was pre booked, so I took my best friend and we went to Dubai for 10 full days. It was so hard for me, but also assisted by me getting out of the country. I cancelled the wedding, took back the gowns, and cancelled our rings, his suit, and all arrangements. Fortunately enough I had a wedding planner, who was able to assist in cancelling the arrangements. Now I spend the countdown to my wedding in organizing his funeral, picking his casket, the programs, it was all so unreal.
I thought I was ok, but grieve is starting to hit on me now…. I cry all the time, started to go onto depressant medication only after 5 months. I am starting to blame myself, I mean I was the last person whom he spoke to and I could not pick up that he was going to die the following day? I am also angry with him, how could he just leave me like that? Without saying goodbye!
I didn’t want to see his dead body; my mother said he was hurt badly, now I have dreams of him telling me that he is alive! This haunts me so much; a month doesn’t go by without dreaming of him saying that he didn’t die. This makes me to be so scared to move on, and I made it worse by not seeing his body to convince myself that it was him! I’m so confused and hurt, so disturbed and sad……
I am 26 years old, we didn’t even have kids, we were about to start our life’s together, how do I move on? I don’t even want to move on… I want him back.