Lost the love of my life

by Jamie Lansford
(Owensville, Mo, USA)

On May 16 2012 I lost the love of my life, I was only with my husband for almost 6 years but we were married for 2 years. I went to bed and was woke up by my mother-in-law telling me that something was wrong. I walked into the living room and found my husband on the couch he was gone. He was 34 years old and my best friend and the father of our two little girls. I will never forget that image of seeing him like that. I am having a really hard time dealing with all of this. Everynight when I go to bed I toss and turn bcause I cant ge that image out of my head. I miss hm so much and sometimes I dont know how to go on. I know I have to be strong for my children and I want to cry all the time but I am keeping it all inside so my children dont see me cry. I was so in love with him and we did have our up and downs, but in the end I was there with him almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Our little girls are too young to know what has happened to there daddy. How am I going to do this, I'm so scared, I sometimes do think I can do this on my own. I pray everynight for God to help mae me stronger and help me get through this. Sometimes it helps but sometimes all I see are the last images of him that morning.

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Jul 24, 2012
Lost the love of my life
by: Jamie

Thank you all for your kind words, and I'm sorry for your losses as well. It is hard dady after day. I still find myself when I'm making dinner that I make to much thinking he is still here. I havent been able to make breakfast for dinner since his passing. That was the last thing I made him to eat, and he couldnt wake up long to even eat. I do at times late at night when I hear a noise coming from our room, look up waiting to see him walk out into the living room as he did before. The one thing that does keep me going everyday are my children. If it wasnt for them I woulnt get out of bed. I don't sleep at night anymore and when I do get a few hours of sleep its tossing and turning. I dont have the energy all the time but I push myself for there sakes, because I know I'm all they have left. Yes I do have the support of his family. He made his parents promise him that if anything was to happen to him they would take of me and the kids, and they have been there for us.

Jul 24, 2012
Love of my Life
by: Pat J

Jamie,
All of us share your grief. You are not alone. We know how alone you are feeling.
It was a year for me on June 27th, that my husband died of a massive heart attack. There wasn't any warning for me either. He was sitting on the side of our bed. He sat up on the side of the bed; asked him if something was wrong. He said no, but would I get him something to drink. He wanted some Pepsi.He took two sips, put the glass on the dresser, he sat back, his head went down and he was gone. I did not know he was dead, until I was talking to him, trying to get him to lay back down. I touched his left arm and his head went to the right side. It will be 13 months on Saturday, feels just like yesterday. He died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary.
Our journey of grief isn't easy and with havibg two small children, I can only imagine what you are dealing with. My five children are adults, married with children. The crazy thing was, here I have all these people around me and I felt so alone. Red, my husband, my love of my life, my lover, my best friend was gone and he wasn't coming back.
Like you, in the early stages, all I did at night was pray. I prayed until I fell asleep; I'd wake up and start praying again. I went to church and prayed and cried. I cried in the shower, driving in the car. I couldn't talk about Red without crying. I still have this ache in my heart for him, but I can now look at his pictures and smile and cherish the memories. Cherish your memories, because we are so lucky to have them and no one can take them away from us.
I talk to my husband everyday. I tell himgood morning and good night. I tell himn i will always love him and I will always be his wife. You are so young to be a widow, but we learn age has nothing to do with it. When it is our time,God calls us home. I don't like it, God called my husband home to him, instead of keeping here with me, but death is a part of life. We really don't think about deth much, until it knocks on our door.
To me dealing with the death of my husband was devastating. I didn't want to live anymore, I wanted to join him, but my children kept telling me, we lost dad, mom, we need you and dad would want you to go on living husband. I am going on. I miss him more and more evryday. I think of the things will not share together. THAT MAKES ME SAD AND I SHED TEARS. SHEDDING TEARS ARE HEALING AND THEY ARE THERE BECAUSE WE HAVE LOVED SO MUCH.
DON'T BE ASHAMED OF YOUR TEARS, THEY ARE BECAUSE YOU HAVE LOVED AND LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.
JAMIE, ALL YOU CAN DO IS TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME,SOMETIMES JUST A MOMENT AT A TIME. THIS JOURNEY OF GRIEF ISN'T EASY, BUT WE ALL ARE ALOT STRONGER THAN WE REALIZE WE ARE AND GOD IS WALKING WITH US IN OUR JOURNEY OF GRIEF. ASK GOD TO WALK WITH YOU, I DO..

Jul 24, 2012
We feel your pain
by: Wendy

Dear Jamie,

I am so sorry to hear for the loss of your husband at such a young age. I too lost my husband of two years on July 29th, 2011, so I am facing now the one year mark. It is still so difficult. You are numb, in shock, and still have children to take care of. But please don't hide your tears from them, because they need to know it's okay to grieve too. Hopefully you have family and friends who are being supportive and maybe helping out with your children so you have some time to be alone and process.

The best thing I did was to join a bereavement group at our local church. I was skeptical at first, but it turned out to be a wonderful experience, and provided me a second family who knew exactly what I was going through.

This heartache will not pass over-nite. You cannot put a time limit on grief. As I've said it's been a year for me and I still cry, I still miss him as much if not more than I did on that first night without him, and I want him back with me forever.

They say eventually acceptance kicks in, and I'm hopeful for all of us that it will. But please keep coming to this sight. There is so much support here. And if you ever feel the need to reach and and talk to someone, my email is wrreefer@hotmail.com.

Stay strong...One Step, One Breath, One Day at a Time.

<3

Jul 24, 2012
Lost the love of my life
by: Doreen U.K.

Jamie I am sorry for the loss of your husband so suddenly. You are in shock and disbelief. You will also be feeling numb and when this wears off. The real raw grief you are feeling now has kicked in. Don't look too far ahead. You will only see this mountain you have to climb and wonder how you are going to cope. All any of us can do is to live one day at a time. Get yourself some bereavement counselling. This is an invaluable support and would benefit you since you have children. You can't be strong for them. Be yourself. Be normal around your children. You will cry a lot and this is normal. If you don't want them to cry in front of your children. Go somewhere private and cry it out. Don't bottle up your grief. You will grieve in unexpected places and at unexpected times. But you can't avoid this. We all go through this. IT IS HELL being in this place of grief and loss. Wondering how we are going to go on without our husband. I lost my husband 10 weeks ago. It is very hard. I grieve in silence. I feel all ALONE. My children are all grown up. I am glad of this. I don't have to do anything if I have no energy. Grief takes away one's energy. Like you I also get these images coming back. Seeing Steve draw his last breath. Wanting to cry and scream but feeling too numb to do anything. Just making phone calls instead to inform everyone of our loss and theirs also. Steve had 3 years with cancer. He knew he was going to die. I waited for this miracle I prayed for. I was unprepared for this death. I feel cheated. I feel let down by God. this too is part of our grief. We in our state of panic see God as our RESCUER. When it works against us we feel let down. You will get stronger but one day at a time. You are so young to be a widow. I hope that you have the support of friends and family around you at this difficult time. After the funeral it is then when people go home we are left all alone. WE do feel forsaken. As if we have no one in the world.
You will miss the support of your husband just like I do. No one to talk things over with and help make those decisions together. You will get through this. It will take a lot of time. But WE WILL SURVIVE. We have to. We have no CHOICE. We have to encourage ourselves to go on in life. As difficult as it is. All joy is gone out of life. It will take time for you to find your way out of the maze you and all of us are in. You will find your way back. DON'T GIVE UP!. KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

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