Lost the love of my life....8 years ago today

by Susie
(USA)

Eight years ago today, I lost the love of my life, My beloved husband Jimmy. When I said goodbye and kissed him that morning, I didn't know it would be the last time. I'm still devastated that I lost him. It has been a nightmare, that I can't recover from. Everyone in his family blamed me and turned their backs on me and our daughter (Even though he was killed in the line of duty). I guess it is easier to deal with the loss of a loved one if you can hate someone. At least that is what they did to us. Today, to add to my misery our daughter told me that she hates me and wished I would die! Yes, I have to deal with a Defiant Teenager and all her troubled like minded friends. The one thing that I have lost is Hope for a future that will give me any kind of happiness.

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Lost the love of my life....8 years ago today

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Aug 10, 2012
 Widow
by: Jacklyn Jackson

I can relate to you. It was hard for me too when I lost my dear husband in 2004. I also thought that I would not be able to love again. But do not lose hope, in time you will find another person who will make your heart beat once more. I recently found mine. I hope you find yours too.
Aug 08, 2012
 fight for your own happiness 101
by: Hope

Suzi,

I have not read any of the comments yet. Your post brings out the mother hen in me that can not stand when things are unfair or wrong. I must jump in though I do not know you.

I do not know why your hubby's family shuns you. I do know that for what ever reason you must reach and grasp for the happiness that you so deserve.

It is hard enough to say the word WIDOW at first much less accept being one. I know that everyones grief is different as we are different as human beings as our love was different and special like no one else(s).

I do know that I had to fight for happiness, it was not given to me nor offered to me. True at first I had to force myself to get off the couch, out of bed only going to work, eat and sleeping.

I did not want my son to loose out on the life he deserved. So I faked it till I made it. One of the post that I read here that was and is so very true.

I have a teenager too, he has Asperger's which makes things more difficult coupled with massive testosterone and grief that did not kick in to the 2nd year it seemed insurmountable.

In essence, do what you want to to, yearn to do and Sc--w everyone else. It is your life your happiness and your sanity we are speaking of here.
It comes back to the selfishness that I spoke of in earlier post that people misconstrue.

To get to know who you are after your heart has been ripped to shreds you need to find out who you are now and what might bring just an inkling of joy to you and you hold on to that for all it is worth. Some times you need to fix yourself in order to be able to help others, to become whole again from the huge wound called grief.

I am not who I was nor will I ever be. But I accept who I am now and am damn proud to have survived the hellish grief that over took my life for the first 2 years.

The hardest part of grief is trying to escape it.
there is no escape only acceptance of the new life you build for yourself.

Run run like hell towards your own happiness and let those smolder in their own despise.
always one breath one step one breath at a time.
HH
Aug 06, 2012
 Lost the love of my life..8yrs. ago today
by: Doreen U.K.

Susie I am sorry for your loss of your husband Jimmy. You should be surrounded by a loving and supportive family at this sad time. But Like I say in all my posts. It takes a death to rock our worlds and then the fractures start appearing. To say you are hated by your late husband's family and also your teenage daughter and her friends is not right but not unusual at time of a death. This is when the dysfunction shows up. I had 2 loving Adult children. At least I thought I did. Problems all started when they got married. Their cracks showed. I was mother and father to all my children whilst my husband Steve was working all over the world as a carpenter. In the teenage years is when my children started to want to rule the roost. I put them in their place. I was the mom and I was in control. When dad was home he was boss. When he was away I was boss. I then had to establish boundaries. To cut a long story short. My 2 Adult children have abandoned me at the funeral of my husband Steve who died 12 weeks ago from a deadly cancer. I nursed him over 3yrs. I know what it feels like to be hated. If I deserved this I wouldn't bother. But I didn't abandon my children. I was extremely supportive but also strict. I did get the most amazing cards from my daughter for over 25yrs. The best a mother could want. My son started to give me the same type of cards. They both changed after marriage. I don't get to see my grandchildren. I want to disappear out of their worlds FOREVER. The day they realise their mistake I will probably be dead. I would love to go overseas and do some voluntary work in the war torn countries. dedicate my life to others. I have always done this. This is the only way my life will have purpose till I die. I have given all of myself for my family as women do and this is what I want to do for myself.
We both are in a painfull place full or sorrow and grief. It is a journey we have to take. But if we had some loving people to help us through it would make the journey better. I do have as much in the form of 3 loving sisters/husbands. It does make life more manageable. I hope that at least you will feel supported by others on this website and know you are not alone. I know it doesn't take away your difficulties. I hope that your life turn around in a positive way and good people will come into your life and walk alongside you and lift you up and give meaning to your life.

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