Lost the man who raised me..my rock..my Granddad. My Dad

by Lindsay
(Lavon,Tx)


My granddad went to the hospital 2 weeks ago after I called 911 because he was had a fever and was weak. Soon after he was admitted to ICU and fell into a coma. My family wanted me to visit him, but I just kept saying he'd be okay and would be home soon. 2 days later he recovered and was moved into a regular room with the doctor saying he'd be coming home later that week. On 6/20/12 my fiancee told me he needed to take me to see my granddad, I expected to suprise him and get one of his huge bear hugs, but when I walked into that hospital room I was given a gown and mask. It was then I saw my granddad. It looked as if he were sleeping and I asked the Dr if he'd be okay and she kept staring at me just telling " talk to him, he can still hear you" I lost it I sat there begging him to wake up. It was that day I learned my Nana sign a DNR. I begged him to wake up and take that order back, but he wouldn't open his eyes. I couldn't take it anymore, I ripped the gown off and ran all the way to my car. The rest of the day I was a walking zombie. The next morning I had a dream..it was my granddad telling me he was leaving now and I kept saying no no no no..then I was woken up by a phone call it was 7:40am my mother on the other end saying "Lins, he's gone" I couldn't believe it. Then all of a sudden I'm ordered to clean the house because family was coming over.. I still couldn't believe everything that was happening or wrap my head around the thought that the man who raised me, my only father-figure, the first man I loved..was gone. The same day as his death is the same day I learned my Nana had chosen cremation. I couldn't stand the thought, I couldn't believe she never told me. I stayed in bed crying, in a trance over the last 6 days..I couldn't talk to my kids about him because I didn't know how to comfort them when I couldn't comfort myself. I couldn't see all his things leave. The funeral was 6/25/12 It was the first day I got out of bed and got dressed...I wasn't going to go at first,but my fiancee convinced me..I knew my grandddad wouldn't be there..just an empty rented casket, I lasted 5 minutes then I lost it. Now here I am grieving. No one else around me is feeling like I am, I feel alone, and weak. My kids need me and all I can think about is my Granddad and all the what ifs..Today is 6/27/12 and my fiancee just left me. He said he thinks this is what's best. I'm empty, numb. I feel to weak to do anything, and now I'm grieving the 2 men who said they'd never leave me. I don't know how to get through this, I don't know who I am anymore..

Comments for Lost the man who raised me..my rock..my Granddad. My Dad

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Jun 15, 2013
Almost 1yr. gone
by: Doreen U.K.

Lindsay it is not uncommon for you to feel the way you do even after 1yr. It has been 13 months for me losing my husband of 44yrs. and I still have weepy moment and disbelief that my husband has left this world and not coming back.
We all have to forgive ourselves for something in life but you don't have to forgive yourself for what happened. WE all think our loved ones are going to make it and so it is a shock to the system when our loved one's pass away.
For me getting the headstone engraved was finally a happy moment for me because it meant I was HONOURING my husband in the best way I could. I put his photo on the gravestone and also a large engraving of a guitar to represent his love of playing his guitar. I would have wanted to put cowboy boots also but not enough space. Life is so very difficult for all of us in grief. It feels like a never ending journey. But you will come through some day like all of us waiting patiently for that day to come. Try and do at least one thing a day to make your life better and happier and build on this either daily or weekly till you find your life changing and getting better. We only get one chance at life and we have to make the best of where we are when we are able to cope with these changes. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.

Jun 15, 2013
almost 1 year gone..
by: Lindsay

Its coming up on a year ...and what a year its been. Not a day goes by that I dont think about him, he finally got a headstone last month and I thought thatd make it all better but it hasnt. I started having flashbacks day by day of what I was doing and where i was at this time last year. This day last year I called the ambulance and he wAs so upset with me...im so scared of flashingback to the 21st. I still cant forgive myself for thinking everything would be okay.

Dec 23, 2012
Never knew there were so many "firsts"
by: Lindsay

"First birthday,First Halloween,Thanksgiving, and now First Christmas" with him....Still hasn't gotten 1 bit easier. I've become numb. I found it's best to not think too much about him or I climb under the covers and not seen for weeks. Bereavement groups are first on my list as a resolution...drama has started and split my family apart because "I'm not grieving correctly" I know God knows what he's doing but this is oh so hard

Jul 13, 2012
....been almost a month
by: Lindsay

it's been almost a month and it still hasn't gotten any easier.. somedays i keep busy if I have enough energy and it helps not to be thinking about him not being in living room. On the 21st he will finally be "laid to rest". My Nana will be having a ceremony with the rest of the family to put his ashes into his plot. I'm ready to be able to go and be able to sit by where he is and talk to him. Maybe it'll help with all of my feelings and emotions. I still miss him everyday and can't wait to go to sleep each night hoping he will be in a dream. I still feel like I'm going crazy..or depressed..confused.. so many emotions I can't tell them apart anymore. I'm looking into berevement counselors with no insurance. I'm willing to try anything to make this hurt less. I will always miss and love him more than words. I keep finding pictures, but can't tell if it helps or if it just reminds me all over again. Any suggestions or others going through or have gone through this any tips would be greatly appreciated. I'm almost 26, which means our birthdays are coming up so I'm scared of my emotions or how i'll get through it. I just feel...weak.

Jul 08, 2012
Keep strong
by: Anonymous

Hi. I was just reading your story and it truly touched me. I just lost my Grandma on 7/2/12 and it has been difficult for me too. It feels like no one understands the pain you are going through. All I can really tell you is just be strong! Your kids need you! I'm sure your an amazing mother and you just need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids. I'm also sorry about your fiancé. Maybe he just couldn't handle seeing you in pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior either. Just keep strong! You will be in my prayers tonight :)

Jun 28, 2012
Lost the man who raised me..my rock my grandad
by: Doreen U.K.

Lindsay
I am sorry for your loss of your grandad and then your fiance. Your grandad was a very important man in your life. Perhaps your fiance did not like
your intense grief over your grandfather that perhaps left him out? Your fiance may have wanted to be the only man in your life and not share you with anyone else? Some men like to keep their loved one all to themselves and it has a lot to do with maturity, and also possessiveness. Sometimes men feel secure through being possessive and it is a false sense of security. They don't know it otherwise they wouldn't be possessive. It has a lot to do with childhood and how secure they felt with their mother or father. This may help you in your grief to stop looking for answers at a time when you are in so much pain with grief you won't be able to see clearly what is going on or how to resolve this. A loss of a loved one causes us to display emotions we didn't know we had. Also behaviour displayed that leaves us confused. It takes a lot of adjustment for everyone and many times the rifts don't heal and people separate.
this is the hard and harsh reality of grief. If someone walks out at a time like this it makes one wonder about the relationship. How strong was it? But often the grieveing partner will turn the loss against themselves and look for answers.
this is when it can all turn into depression. You will need help from a bereavement counsellor because you are feeling the pain of a double loss. You will then start to feel better in time. It is very painfull doing counselling but it eventually gets better. Give it a try. You have nothing to lose. Best wishes.

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