Lost the most wonderful dad in the world

by Susan
(Trenton, NC, US)

I wanted to share my story to see if someone has any advice for me. I lost my dad on 4/15/10, very unexpectedly. He had been very sick so much in the past and overcame all the other illnesses. He had lived thru transplant surgery and several hospital stays that were very close to losing him. He went into the hospital for a sinus infection that would not clear on the week of the 15th and aspirated on the 12th of April and went into a coma.

The doctors told us after days of test that he was brain dead and his kidneys had shut down and he would never wake up, never be able to go home or be able to communicate with us again. I have cried until I feel I have no more tears. We decided that my dad would never want to live like he was (being a lifeless vegetable) for the remaining days of his life so we had to tell the doctors to cut off the ventilator. I know that is the decision that my dad would have wanted but God, I miss him so much.

I can't beleive he is gone. I want to be able to remember him as everyone keeps telling me, without the hurt and pain of wanting to cry all the time, but I just can't. I feel guilty because I find myself struggling not to think about him because I don't want to cry all the time and I have to work. It is the only way I can deal with it. I also feel guilty because I am a newlywed and I am depressed all the time and I feel as though I am cheating my marriage even though my husband says he understands, I feel as though he gets aggravated with me because I cry so much.

Any advice for me if you have been thru all of this yourself. Thanks for reading and understanding.

Comments for Lost the most wonderful dad in the world

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Oct 05, 2010
You are not alone -
by: Anonymous

Hello - I too lost my dad suddenly to an accident where he had severe brain damage, went into a coma with no chance of recovery. We had to stop the ventilator too. It is and was heart breaking. I am married a mere 3 years, and I too am very depressed. I feel that I am putting my marriage at risk too, but I just cannot help it. It has all been so traumatic, shocking, and sudden that I just can't seem to get a grip. I work in a Doctors office, and I have to keep my feelings down in order to survive the day. It is very hard. Sometimes, I just sit and stare at my desk. I get so angry at everyone too. I just want to go away. I feel like no one understands, and they assume, because I have good day, that I am over it. I feel your pain, and you are not alone. Thank you for sharing, it has helped me feel like there are others that "get it" and I am not all by myself. Stay strong and god bless - Karen

Jun 29, 2010
LOST THE MOST WONDERFUL DAD IN THE WORLD.
by: LORI

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I LOST MY DAD IN AUGUST OF 2007, ITS BEEN ALMOST 3 YEARS SINCE HE PASSED AND NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM.I WAS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT WHEN MY DAD DIED AND THE PAIN OF NOT HAVING HIM HOLD HIS 4TH GRANDDAUGHTER WAS VERY UPSETTING. WHEN UR DAD WAS IN THE HOSPITAL I KNOW THE HORROR U FELT, MY DAD HAD A.L.S AND IT WAS AN AWFUL WAY TO DIE CAUSE IT TOOK AWAY HIS VOICE SO I DIDN'T GET TO HEAR HIM TELL ME WHAT HE WANTED TO SAY.I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE THIS WAS HAPPENING TO ME AND MY FAMILY.

WHEN GOD TOOK MY DAD I HATED HIM FOR THE LONGEST TIME CAUSE I LOVED MY DAD AND I WASN'T GOING TO SEE HIM ANYMORE UNTIL I DIE, THAT'S A LONG TIME TO SEE HIM. WHEN MY BABY GIRL WAS BORN I FORGAVE GOD FOR TAKING MY DAD FROM ME AND THANKED HIM FOR MY DAUGHTER. I SAW THE LOVE IN MY DAUGHTERS EYES THAT I KNEW MY DAD WAS WITH HER BEFORE SHE WAS BORN,I FELT HIS PRESENCE NEAR AFTER SHE WAS BORN CAUSE THE LIGHTS FLICKERED IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM AND THAT WAS A SIGN FROM HIM THAT HE WAS WITH ME AT THE TIME OF HER BIRTH.I THEN REALIZED MY FATHER NEVER LEFT ME OR MY SIDE, HES WITH ME ALWAYS, AND YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THE SAME WITH YOUR DAD.

THEY NEVER LEAVE YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T C THEM, THEY'RE NEAR YOU SO TAKE IT FROM ME, FIND COMFORT IN THAT. YOUR DAD AND MY DAD WOULDN'T WANT US TO BE SAD OR CRY, THINK OF THE HAPPY TIMES U HAD WITH HIM. I WAS IN BAD SHAPE UNTIL I READ A LOT OF BOOKS ON GRIEF AND SYLVIA BROWN BOOKS HELPED ME COPE WITH MY DAD NOT BEING HERE. IF U NEED TO TALK TO ME, LOOK ME UP. LORI WILLIAMS, DICKSON CITY PA. I'M UNDER "MY DAD" I HOPE YOU CAN BE HAPPY AND SMILE AGAIN. BEST WISHES.

Jun 16, 2010
From the Southwest
by: Karen

Susan, I lost my dad around the same time you did, so although I feel just as lost as you might feel, I can at least let you know that you are not alone. My dad was killed in a car accident. I was shocked! I have a lot of family near me, so we all gathered together and dealt with details together. We have already gone through his house and are planning a yard sale soon.

I am a teacher and we thought we'd like to take care of all this during the summer break. I regret the feeling that we had to do that so quick. He hoarded everything and we'd be going through a drawer of papers only to find an envelope with old pictures. That was hard...being "hit" with memories like that. I feel like I want to talk about it all the time! Do you? I want to talk, yet fewer and fewer people want to keep listening. That is how I found this site. I hope it can be helpful for both of us. I am so sorry this has happened.

Jun 09, 2010
Loss of a Father
by: Down Under

Susan, I feel your grief ! My father passed away Aug 09 and I was married in Oct 09. I understand the pain you are going through and the loss. It will take some time to come out of that black cloud but you will make it. There will be hard times and I hope your husband is strong enough to get through it with you as he will cop most of it. Tell him what you are feeling all the time Susan. Cry, scream, throw things, do what ever you need to do just don't let that grief manifest inside you alone as it will only eat away at you and push every one away. I didn't think my marriage would get through it, I even believed I was depressed due to getting married so quickly after my father's death and that it was not the right time, but when would have been the right time. The pain doesnt get any easier, and no matter how long we waited I would not have had my father walk me down the isle, that was the hardest part (and still is). We must get through grief day by day and if need be see your doc for some therapy, grief counselling, group support, family & friends. Ignore all those around you who will say, time will heal . . . you'll get over it . . . .are you still grieving . . . . how long will you grieve for. You will grieve for as long as you need to, and only you will know and feel that your father is now safe and has let go himself. I only felt that the other night, 10 months later. No matter where we are Susan, our dads are always around watching over us, just look for a sign. Keep those happy memories alive in your heart. I wish you comfort for the hard days, months, years ahead and believe that you will laugh again sometime soon by remembering the funny things he did and said, as your dad now makes you cry he will in time make you laugh again. Keep visiting this site, it has helped me so so much and I dont know where I would be today if not for it. Warm Wishes xo

Jun 08, 2010
Very Normal
by: Barbara

You are going through a normal reaction to grief. Healing takes time. We all heal differently, there is no plan to follow. Just let yourself cry and in time things will start to get easier. Right now it doesn't feel like it will ever get better but the hurt of the loss will never go away it will just get easier to handle.

As far as taking your father off the ventilator I do understand. I had to take my husband off the ventilator in September. The situation was a bit different because my husband had been in a motor cycle accident and not in and out of the hospital. The guilt does come a lot from that. You wonder on if maybe they would have still made it through if you wouldn't have taken them off. I know my husband would not have wanted to live like that either. I feel it is Satan just trying to get me down. We did the right thing by taking them off.

Barb

Jun 08, 2010
Hang in there Susan
by: Elise

Bless you Susan. I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I lost my own Dad very unexpectedly 2 and a half months ago and have found it almost unbearable at times. Like your Dad, my Dad had been ill. He didn't admit to us or even to himself how sick he was. I had seen him on the Friday night and he died in the early hours of Sunday morning. Completely devastating us all.

Our parents are irreplaceable, and who you are so to lose one of them is like losing part of who you are and some part of your identity.

I have not gone back to work yet, but am slowly starting to pick up the pieces of my life. At first memories and time hurt so much and feel so cruel. I totally understand how you feel. I couldn't look at pictures of him, breaking down so have non up at home. Although back at his house, my Mum's house, I can as it still feels as though he is there.

But it is time and memories that are ultimately our saviour and help through this.

I have a t-shirt of his that I smell and cuddle and squeeze and to me it feels as though he his squeezing me back and it gives me so much comfort.

I can sit and think about my Dad now without it being quite so painful.

It won't always hurt so much Susan. I am telling my eldest daughter this, and each time I tell her, I am telling myself and it really is so true.

Your Dad will always live on through you Susan and I am sure that he is still by your side each and every day as I feel mine is with me.

Take care.

Jun 08, 2010
Early stages of grief
by: Hope

I am by no means an expert I can only tell you how my grief progressed, keep reading this site as people grieve differently. Don't be ashamed because you cry all the time. I did too at work, wal mart, anywhere in which a memory of him struck. I was not embarrassed as much as it was rather inconvenient timing. I try to throw myself into my work and concentrate at the business at hand.

A few days ago I called my grief counselor on what would have been my husband's 46th birthday. I couldn't stop crying and my son was about to get off the bus in 30 minutes. She did exactly what I needed; asked me what I was having for dinner and she told me she was frying chicken, we then went into detail of how she fried her chicken. It stopped the tears and I was able to greet the bus and welcome home my child. Very much aware that it had been 6th months since Paul's Death last Sunday 6/6/10 I threw myself into physical yard work. The anger and frustration dissipated (somewhat) with the hard work.

You however are in the early stages, very hard grieving stages that must be gone through. Distracting yourself with hard work will not rid your self of grief; just let you mind rest from it even if temporarily. Good luck on that hard journey, we are all here for you...HH

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