LOST THEM ALL OR WAS THAT JUST A DREAM

by Bonnie
(California)

I had two healthy beautiful babies just 14 months apart. Both played on baseball, basketball, vollyball and swimming teams. But that all ended when they turned 15 years old. My first child (a son)got Type I Diabetes, and my daughter got Leukemia. My daughter lost her battle in just 18 months. There father died 6 months later with kidney cancer. And yes, my son died 9 years later on the day he moved into his new apartment. He and I had a nice dinner and he left, but never to return. You see, he never woke up. Was my family just a dream. What happens now? I am alone now, all alone. No mother, no father, all gone now. What was I to learn? I HAVE LEARNED TO ENDURE.

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Jul 15, 2011
Eye's WIDE Shut...
by: Shannon

I came across your post, as I try to find the word's for my own loss. As a published poet, Its
very powerful when your feelings, are put into words. Than to actually put them on paper! It is the first step in facing the inevitable. When people say to me; "I cant imagine, I'd just die, if that happened to me." or "I would never come outside". than "How do you, do that?" My answer is automatic: "I cant imagine either!". After reading some of the "symptoms of grief." I'm a "Rare" case.

Was it just a dream? or a nightmare?. I cant express to you enough, that finding your way to this site, is a blessing, you really were lead here. For all this site has to offer. It makes your grief unique and doesn't label you. For there is no right way. I can say there is a VERY WRONG way. That is the path I'm on. Ive been so broken, numb, and in denial. The complexity of my grief, is so horrific. I have been lost in a timeless void. My loss was 3yrs ago. I have manifested very real physical, and mental disorders. At first My doctors put me on so many medications that allowed my denial, and numbed my life. Stuck in what has to be a very Long day. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that. If your stuck, in that surreal, dream state. It might swallow you whole. Before you know it, time has been passing without you.

If you can just do one small thing, and for one moment, awaken yourself to smell a rose. Or notice the breeze, taking a deep breath in the moment. Than try to do two moments. This is the advice, I'm getting from a very qualified grief/trauma Doctor with over 35 yrs experience. I just started therapy. With real deep interaction. Not your normal; "How do you feel about that?" stuff. I KNOW how I feel! I need tools on how to deal with it.

Homework #1. Write a letter to the one you lost. As Ive written MANY letters to my boys. This letter is just harder, because I'm being asked to write to them where they are. I'm still working on writing a letter to each of them. Now that you found this site. DON'T stop coming back. Do real work here. Even if you just read one thing. Don't ignore your pain or numb it out. You don't want to be where I am after 3yrs. Then you feel guilty, that you haven't given them the respect and peace they need to move on.

Yes, God has given me more than I can handle. For there is no mistake I'm here for a reason and will continue to save lives, by telling there story. Putting a face on the actions of "Reckless-driving". S.T.A.R. S.hane T.yler A.gainst R.eckless-driving. Keep coming back! Blessings~ Shannon

May 22, 2011
trying to find the meaning
by: Mary

I am trying to find the meaning in all of this, I feel your pain. My mother had 5 children and they are all gone and I lost her in April. My last sibling, my brother was battling cancer for 2 years and we lost him on Feb 20,2011 after enduring all of this, its not just the death, people don't realize the pain in watching someone slowly disappearing from your life is a trauma in itself. I came home and about 3 weeks later I got a 1:00am call from the nursing home my mom lived at, I raced to the hospital, after about 2 weeks of watching her suffer I lost her on April 10th.
I do not feel people at work realize the impact of this and seem to just want the old you back, they say cliche' things that just seem to sting my heart. I find it hard to work and concentrate but I keep trying because I hear my Mother's voice and all her sayings of encouragement.
The conclusion I have come to is while my brother was dying he kept murmuring "mama, mama"
So I guess God decided he needed her more than I did and she is free from dementia and she is not in a wheel chair anymore; but these revelations do not reduce the pain of the loss, this is what people around you do not understand, they just want you to stop being sad, and i can't not yet.
I will pray for you and you can pray for me.
Take care and Grieve, its normal.
Mary

Apr 05, 2011
More Than You Can Handle
by: Anonymous

Bonnie~
I've always been told that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I think you've been given a lot. Does God see you as a strong person? I don't know if I could be that strong. I lost my brother to juvenile onset diabetes at a young age. It really is an ugly disease.
Everyone says we begin to heal when we reach out to help others. Perhaps you could find some comfort in helping young people who are suffering with diabetes and leukemia. You have been through so much. You could maybe help other parents get through a tough time. We really are on this earth for such a short time.
It wasn't a dream. It probably seems like a bad nightmare. The love of children are the true riches in this life if only for a short time. I mourn for my husband but my heart truly goes out to you. God be with you.

Apr 03, 2011
no dream
by: Judith in California

My heart goes out to you for so much loss. I hate that saying "God never gives us more than we can handle."

I have suffered my husbands passing 7 months ago and I was his full time care giver almost 4 years before that. I just sat and said " I wish God didn't have o much faith in me".

That may have been your same thought.
I am almost speechless to know you have had to endure so much loss. I pray God will give you extra strength .

Take care of yourself and go seek some sort of therapy to help you sort through the many feelings you must be having.

May god watch over you..

Apr 03, 2011
lessons?
by: Anonymous

Is there a lesson to be learned from this? I'm not sure there is at times. I lost my son 8 months ago to leukemia. The only thing I've learned so far is how to put one step in front of the other day after day.

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