Lost them all

by Justin
(Tulsa ok )

I was raised by my grandparents and my mom and My mother died while I was in college after a battle with cancer after years of smoking then her mother my grandmother died from throat cancer also from smoking 10 months later and then her husband died from cirrhosis of the liver a year later because he drank till he died after his daughter and wife of 46 Years died. This was my family that raised me and the deaths basically changed me. I was always a very happy funny and probably cocky college guy and since then 10 years later never the same person. After mom went into hospital and was dying I missed the sat visit with her at the hospital for a night with friends and have never let go of that guilt. After mom died and grandma was diagnosed with throat I just was numb and as she endured chemo I was just numb and I visited and she died dec 17 and still remember opening her presents and I used to not be happy being a 20 year old getting socks for Christmas but those were the best socks I ever got and the hardest presents to open. After both grandma and my mom died , my grandfather really drank alot as did I at school and I did not come back to visit from college and I still regret that so so much that as I type this for the first time years later it destroys me with sadness and I literally just had to stop .... To cry because I was not there for him .... He drank and a year later with me in a fog and self medicating he went into a coma and I came home and held his hand and read the sports page to him about our football team and told him to not worry about me he was always there for me and he loved me more than life and I said go to grandma and I swear he died right then flatlined. I uh don't expect any response I have never told anyone any of this , I finished college and I work try not to get close and don't ever put there pictures out and deal with the holidays , I never looked for a forum like this or any help I was a only child and my family is all-gone a long time ago , so just never felt the need to bring it up and lots of people have lost wives and children and that is real loss , I just can't seem to be the same me. Anyway I am probably just feeling sorry for myself and don't want to take away from people with real grief , I just needed to at least once get this all off my Chest. I wish all of you a blessed day and the best and I try to remember that the only way you can be down is because you used to be up and that The Lord blessed me with my family and I'm only sad because I used to be happy and that's what gets me through it.

Comments for Lost them all

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May 13, 2014
Your life is not over
by: Mary Colletti

My best friend of my entire life has been happily married for 35 years to a man who had a very similar experience to yours. In his early 20s he lost his father, his mother and only brother over a two-year period from three separate car accident. He truly was alone, no other siblings. However, in the middle of this. He met my friend and formed a relationship with her they have had a very happy life with two sons. I am not saying it was easy, but he managed, and I might say he is a very happy man now especially with his first grandchild.

However, he is an atheist whereas his wife is a very devout Catholic, as am I. We both pray for his salvation.

Apr 28, 2014
Praying for you
by: Dawn

Justin, I will most likely never meet you, but I will pray for you. You can feel sorry for yourself. You have experienced a great loss. In 1996, we lost my mother (58yo) unexpectantly, then 5 years later same for my dad (65yo), then 5 years later (2006) my niece (16yo). Just as life would return to normal someone else died. But after my niece we are all ok. We grieved and we felt sorry for ourselves as other also felt sorry for us.

You are right, others have dealt with similar losses, but whose to say whose is worse... they are all bad. I've looked toward others who have experience great loss and go on. One of my mantra's is "fake it until you make it". I put a smile on my face, I tell people I am doing good, I do these things until I started to feel them. It helped.

But there are still days, especially the holidays when everyone else is going the family's houses and my son and I are home alone like any other day that I fall back into the old feelings. I let them in, but only briefly. Then I ask God what he wants me to do after all he has a plan for me, for us all.

I pray that God brings you some peace in the areas that you regret. The events happened according to his plan. Forgive yourself so that you can continue on with your path. I also pray that God brings you good people to fill your life and that he brings you to people who need you!

Apr 12, 2014
Lost them all.
by: Doreen UK

Justin don't ever COMPARE yourself to anyone else and say that they have real grief by minimising your own loss. Also don't ever associate "feeling sorry for yourself" with grief. Grief will make us feel SORROW for OURSELVES which is not the same as SELF PITY. You are young and still learning. You have sustained a HEAVY LOSS by losing the most important people from your life who were your NURTURERS. This is a heavy loss. You did the best thing by writing here and expressing how you feel and I respect you for this. It doesn't matter how you expressed yourself. Your story is unique and special to yourself as were the loved one's you lost. Since it has been some years that you lost your family you need to process your own life. See a counsellor if you think this would help you move forward. Sometimes some people get stuck in grief and can't move forward. A counsellor could help with any blockages. You are too young to not LIVE YOUR LIFE to the fullest. Put new things in your life each day that is going to build you up emotionally and physically. Make a special meal for yourself. Go out with friends and socialise (in time). Join a grief group and talk about how you feel. Talking is good therapy. You will be with like minded people who will support you as you will find yourself supporting them also and you will start to heal from your losses. Life will never be the same again for any one of us who has lost significant people from our family who added meaning and value to our lives and each day. BUT You should try and make a life for yourself that will add meaning and value and you can write your own history from now. See this as a fun thing to do. You will start to live again. First step you took was telling someone your story (here). You will also get some comfort from reading other posts for strength and endurance. I am sorry for your loss of your family. Best wishes in Life.

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