Lost them all
(Tulsa ok )
I was raised by my grandparents and my mom and My mother died while I was in college after a battle with cancer after years of smoking then her mother my grandmother died from throat cancer also from smoking 10 months later and then her husband died from cirrhosis of the liver a year later because he drank till he died after his daughter and wife of 46 Years died. This was my family that raised me and the deaths basically changed me. I was always a very happy funny and probably cocky college guy and since then 10 years later never the same person. After mom went into hospital and was dying I missed the sat visit with her at the hospital for a night with friends and have never let go of that guilt. After mom died and grandma was diagnosed with throat I just was numb and as she endured chemo I was just numb and I visited and she died dec 17 and still remember opening her presents and I used to not be happy being a 20 year old getting socks for Christmas but those were the best socks I ever got and the hardest presents to open. After both grandma and my mom died , my grandfather really drank alot as did I at school and I did not come back to visit from college and I still regret that so so much that as I type this for the first time years later it destroys me with sadness and I literally just had to stop .... To cry because I was not there for him .... He drank and a year later with me in a fog and self medicating he went into a coma and I came home and held his hand and read the sports page to him about our football team and told him to not worry about me he was always there for me and he loved me more than life and I said go to grandma and I swear he died right then flatlined. I uh don't expect any response I have never told anyone any of this , I finished college and I work try not to get close and don't ever put there pictures out and deal with the holidays , I never looked for a forum like this or any help I was a only child and my family is all-gone a long time ago , so just never felt the need to bring it up and lots of people have lost wives and children and that is real loss , I just can't seem to be the same me. Anyway I am probably just feeling sorry for myself and don't want to take away from people with real grief , I just needed to at least once get this all off my Chest. I wish all of you a blessed day and the best and I try to remember that the only way you can be down is because you used to be up and that The Lord blessed me with my family and I'm only sad because I used to be happy and that's what gets me through it.