Lost True Love Always
My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last March 2012. The doctors began aggressive treatments and over the past year he has had 42 radiation treatments and 20 chemo treatments, some with 3 drugs each treatment.
In March of 2013, I noticed my husband wasn't acting the same. He seemed delusional and confused. I called the doctor since we had an appointment that morning but were running late. She said to go on the ER and so we did. The next day the doctor told us that his cancer had spread and he was diagnosed with menigeal carcinomotosia. A rare complication of lung cancer that spreads to the cerebral fluid around the brain. From that Monday we went to the ER until my husband passed away was one week. His health declined so rapidly that I never even got to tell him what was happening. He was confused and occasionally would say he was so I know he knew something was not right.
The hospital doctor told us we needed to leave and go either home or find a facility for him. I elected to take my husband to the VA some 30 miles away. The only request that I ask for was that he be "stable" to make the trip. After making a big deal out of it to the hospital doctor, he assured me that my husband was stable to travel even though his blood pressure was 70/40.
The ambulance came to transfer my husband and I called the doctor again to verify my husbands stability. The doctor said again, he will be fine.
We made it about half way when the paramedic told me the news. My life was over.
How do I get over my anger issues about the last week. First the doctors never saw this new diagnosis coming and he would have had it for at least 6 weeks prior. Then my husband thinks he's going in the hospital and probably right back out and is confused about what is happening and I can't explain it to him in his condition and nor were the doctors able to. Then the doctor allowed him to be transported even though he was not stable and it was too much for him.
I feel guilty for not being able to talk to my husband about what was happening. I feel I left him confused and alone even though I never left his side. I am a very tender hearted person and my husband and I were very close, best friends, soul mates, everything to each other. We were married 25 years and had no children though he had 2 small girls when we married.
It has been a little over a month since my life was taken from me and my feelings of guilt,sorry, anger and saddness overwhelm me almost every moment. I also feel alot of resentment about being cheated by losing my husband so early.
Does anyone have any advice that can help?