Lost Two Husbands to Suicide

by Maryann
(USA)

My first husband and I were married at 21. We were married for 13 years and although we were divorced I still loved him and have 2 wonderful children with him. He had developed throat cancer and couldn't eat or drink by mouth. His parents found him dead with an empty vodka bottle next to him. That was 10 years ago. I married again and had a son with my second husband of 18 years. It's been almost a month since my husband was found dead in a garage behind his house. He shot himself in the chest. He was missing for a month before his sister found him! Although we were separated at the time I still love him dearly. He had a drug problem that I didn't know about until after we separated. Our son is the one that told me. I worry about my children. I've lost two husbands but they've lost their dads! Not a day, hardly a minute passes that I don't think of what a horrible thing we have to live with. I know this is suppose to help me to vent but I vent every day and it doesn't help! My main reason for writing is in the hope that someone reading this who may be contemplating suicide with think again. I would give anything if either of my husbands had told me they needed help. Suicide may stop your pain but you leave a lifetime of pain for your loved ones!

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May 02, 2014
Thank you
by: Maryann

Thank you so much for your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't image what it must be like for people who think their best option is to commit suicide. I know my husband was very depressed. We both worked at the same place that closed. I got another job right away and he didn't try to get a job for many months. After we separated he took a job that he couldn't handle due to his health. It's so hard thinking that he suffered in silence. We had been separated for almost a year and I was very angry with him because he did me wrong in a lot of ways. That last year we never talked at all. I am feeling deep regret because I didn't know how he felt. When we were together he hardly spoke to me for the last few years. I knew something was wrong and tried many times to talk but he would not. After my husband died I went to a counselor a couple of times but I don't think it's for me. It hurts too much to talk about my pain. My son refuses to go and doesn't even talk about his dad yet. I feel so sorry for everyone that posts on this website. We are all grieving a loss. I am praying for peace for us all.

May 02, 2014
Lost Two Husbands to Suicide
by: Doreen UK

Having read your post again I expand on saying that when you say you wished both your husbands had let you know they needed help, has maybe left you feeling helpless and perhaps indirectly feeling responsible for having lost them to suicide.
When I married I didn't know my husband had abandonment issues. It was only as we were married longer and he opened up that I realised there were difficulties he had to grow up with that could never be resolved and he lived the best way he could with these insecurities.
Often Men find it hard to open up and talk of their hurts no matter how hard a wife tries. It can also often be very difficult for a wife having to live with a life partner's issues. It can cause many couples to split up. Sad because you say you deeply loved (both husband's) father's of your children. This is the sadness of trying to live in relationship with each other when coming together with past hurts. Some can be resolved and some not. Some people are too hurt to live in their world as they see it and so end their lives. Often a wife is powerless to know how to help her husband.
As I nursed my husband through the worst cancer did he eventually know and believe how much He was loved by me. But sad that it took terminal cancer for him to know how precious he was that he was LOVED SO DEEPLY, in a way he had never known from growing up. We can't save our menfolk. We can try. But it is a tough battle trying. Know in your heart that YOU DID YOUR BEST. May you have an easier time in your recovery from grief, that, you may not have had in life.

May 02, 2014
Lost Two Husbands to Suicide
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of two husbands to suicide. I also feel sadness for your children. All losing a father figure in their life.
My nephew at age 30yrs. 9yrs. ago threw himself in front of an express train and left us broken hearted. Suicide is the type of death that almost always needs the intervention of professional support to help cope with this type of death.
My nephew was jobless, homeless, and on medication for depression that had side effects of suicidal tendencies. He fought so hard to live and couldn't live in his crumbling world.
Many people will not have a clue that their loved one is feeling suicidal. For many they just reach the end of their rope and can't see a way out. In trying to end their pain they end their lives. Often this is sudden. For the loved one's left they have to endure the many turbulent emotions and guilt along with the shame that suicide leaves for the families trying to cope with not only the loss, but the type of death. Many will feel responsible for not trying to save the one they lost. Which is why often the intervention with good counselling can affray some of these feelings and allow one to move forward better.
It is not easy to change one's FOCUS. When in depression and often the depression takes over and one contemplates and completes suicide. Life is so very hard for many people. They don't want to end their lives. But they see no way out of their pain. When they are locked into their pain they become tired and don't want to discuss this with anyone perhaps thinking. What can anyone say or do to change my circumstances or where I am at. Many will go on to take their own lives, more so because of the difficulties one is facing today. Who would have thought that many cannot afford FOOD. They have to use Food Banks. It breaks my heart seeing this every day. People losing weight and being silent because they have no food in the house. This is just one of many problems facing the modern world and which people suffer in silence, because of the embarrassment. It is another type of grief people have to live with on a daily basis. I hope you and your family get good support, and an easier path in life from where you are at, and a good recovery from your grief.

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