lost without him
I lost, well I really feel like my soul mate was taken, from me. Me n my "husband" met in high school when i was 17 years old (I'm 25 now) i soon turned 18 n found out i was pregnant with our first child. We fell head over heels for each other before i found out i was pregnant. Having our son just solidified us as a unit. his family was outraged n never has liked me for it, however, we then (8 months later) got pregnant with our second child and raised our children n grew up together from teenagers to adults. Three years later we had our baby, a baby we planned and was blessed with (not that our older 2 weren't blessings but she was actually planned.) Fast forward a year:
Its been a year n we have had our bouts of fights n rough patches but we love each other none the less. I find out that my soul mate made the mistake of cheating. I leave, and we share custody of our children but we also maintain a sexual and loving relationship and try to work things out. He proposes, now at this time I'm not feeling like we have been working at our relationship long enough for marriage and honestly I'm still hurt. About a month after he proposes and i say no he takes a vacation with our youngest daughter and passes away in his sleep from an enlarged heart...
I've never in my whole 25 years of being on this earth experienced death in any form (small family, very little friends, n a sheltered life.) I am now a mother and a father of 3 gorgeous children, and am experiencing an immense amount of pain, sorrow, loneliness, anger, and all around hurt and i have no idea on how to deal with it. It has been a year officially on 10/24/2012 and I'm stuck in my loneliness n pain. It feels like there's a hole in my stomach, or someone has punched me right in the gut. I need a way to get over this, i find myself drinking or self medicating with anxiety medications. Its not healthy for me or my children but I'm lost and need help