Lost Without You

by Jenny Salyer
(Wise Virginia)

My love, yesterday would have been your 46th birthday. I could not get out of bed. I miss you more than words can begin to describe. I still think you will walk through my door. If they had only listened to me, you would still be here. They didn't believe me. I would have waited for you to come home. I cannot imagine how lonely you must have felt or how great your torment was to have taken you own life.

I just want you back, the way I remember you. The children are doing O.K. Stephen tells me I should be happy, because if you are in heaven you are all better. He tells me when I cry to close my eyes and dream about Daddy and I will be happy. This from a 4 year old who is wise beyond his years. I will not stop until they are punished for neglecting you, for calling me on the phone 11 days ago to tell me you were gone. To think I was relieved when you were arrested, I thought it saved your life. I could not have been more wrong.

Your Dad senses something I won't tell him. I don't think it would do him any good with his mind being the way it is. You always said he would outlive you. I'm hoping that the last time we made love you made me pregnant. I don't know yet, I will be heartbroken if I'm not. I would love to have another piece of you grow inside me. I will never love another the way that I've loved you. For twelve years its been you, my love.

I got out our old love letters, but I couldn't read them. I just looked at them and the crazy stuff you would put on the envelopes. Our love was so intense, not many people would ever even understand it. I want to cry all the time but don't because of the kids. I grieved so hard that I lost my voice for 2 days. I believe that I have only began to grieve for you. I found one of your shirts in the closet it still smelled like you. You remember how I used to hate for you to just throw your shirts up on the hangers like that, well now I'm glad you did.

I have to go get your property from that Hellhole soon. I just know I'm going to lose it when I do, and I do not want them to see one of my tears. They will never know you the way that I did. I miss laying my head on your chest while you slept, just listening to your heart. I always thought you were so strong that nothing could ever happen to you. In a way I guess I always knew our time was going to be too short. I would cry while you slept because I loved you soo much that even while I had you with me I grieved for the day when it would all end.

So my love, wherever you are I hope you are happy and have found the peace that eluded you in life. I will always Love you, Need you, Miss you, Want you.

Your Wife Jenny.