Lost Without You

by Jenny Salyer
(Wise Virginia)

My love, yesterday would have been your 46th birthday. I could not get out of bed. I miss you more than words can begin to describe. I still think you will walk through my door. If they had only listened to me, you would still be here. They didn't believe me. I would have waited for you to come home. I cannot imagine how lonely you must have felt or how great your torment was to have taken you own life.

I just want you back, the way I remember you. The children are doing O.K. Stephen tells me I should be happy, because if you are in heaven you are all better. He tells me when I cry to close my eyes and dream about Daddy and I will be happy. This from a 4 year old who is wise beyond his years. I will not stop until they are punished for neglecting you, for calling me on the phone 11 days ago to tell me you were gone. To think I was relieved when you were arrested, I thought it saved your life. I could not have been more wrong.

Your Dad senses something I won't tell him. I don't think it would do him any good with his mind being the way it is. You always said he would outlive you. I'm hoping that the last time we made love you made me pregnant. I don't know yet, I will be heartbroken if I'm not. I would love to have another piece of you grow inside me. I will never love another the way that I've loved you. For twelve years its been you, my love.

I got out our old love letters, but I couldn't read them. I just looked at them and the crazy stuff you would put on the envelopes. Our love was so intense, not many people would ever even understand it. I want to cry all the time but don't because of the kids. I grieved so hard that I lost my voice for 2 days. I believe that I have only began to grieve for you. I found one of your shirts in the closet it still smelled like you. You remember how I used to hate for you to just throw your shirts up on the hangers like that, well now I'm glad you did.

I have to go get your property from that Hellhole soon. I just know I'm going to lose it when I do, and I do not want them to see one of my tears. They will never know you the way that I did. I miss laying my head on your chest while you slept, just listening to your heart. I always thought you were so strong that nothing could ever happen to you. In a way I guess I always knew our time was going to be too short. I would cry while you slept because I loved you soo much that even while I had you with me I grieved for the day when it would all end.

So my love, wherever you are I hope you are happy and have found the peace that eluded you in life. I will always Love you, Need you, Miss you, Want you.

Your Wife Jenny.

Comments for Lost Without You

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May 19, 2010
Still Lost Without You
by: jenny

It has been four months. I miss you more every day. I am up at 5am for the fourth day in a row and just wanted to read this again, what I wrote when everything was so fresh. It seems like it is getting harder. More real. More permanent. Stephen was good at first cause I had told him how wonderful Heaven was.

Why should a Four year old have to ask if Daddy loved us as good as he could? If there is a road to Heaven cause he wants to go get you? Steve, I know you were sick but why couldn't you have held on? I see our friends and they ask how I'm doing and I tell them O.K. but that's a lie. I can't control the tears and you know how I hated to cry in front of people.

I'm having to learn to live all over again. Without you. 12 years together this was not how it was supposed to end. It was supposed to end with us old, grey, and toothless sitting on our front porch watching our grandkids running around.

You were the love of my life and now you are just gone. I'll never see you again until the day my time's up.

We would have gotten through this. I would have waited on you. I can't get closure knowing there was more that could have been done to save you. I see now what I should've done. Everybody tells me to not blame myself, but I do. Out of everybody I was the one who could have done more. I guess this is part of the grieving process.

The children give me strength. They don't have anybody else so it's on me to be strong. I pray for the strength to do this on my own. I love you and miss you more than there are words to describe. I hope you have found peace at last.

Feb 19, 2010
I understand
by: Sandy

I just have to say that I can honestly feel your pain. I lost my husband last March and I can understand every single word you wrote. There is absolutely nothing like it and I don't ever want to go through that kind of pain again. Please know that you are not alone and I hope that you will be okay. Please take care of yourself....

Feb 01, 2010
Lost w/o my love
by: Anonymous

I lost my wife Daisy 3 weeks ago,
She passed away in my arms...
I entered her tribute...
I do know the pain..
Please know there are others who share your grief,
life is never the same...
God Bless You

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