lost

by claudia a willsey
(rensselaer ny 12144)

I am sorry i dont know how to do what you asked. but im lost and dont want to do this alone. i dont even know if u will get this or how i can get back to it. my name is claudia and i lost my momm. it was 3yrs ago,i think. yeah 08. i feel like im flying thru all them stages. all the time. i try to not let it out to others. but its making my crazy. complicated. i sometimes think im doing it to myself. cause i think soooo much. and i try to bury it, right from start. i stayed to long in stage 1. i worry alittle cause some things that go thru my...idk my grief. i dont want to be sick or get sick. i like myself. thats not to say i like what ive done or will do. i dont ever feel anxiety sxs. i know im depressceded. i delayed the healing prosses too long. and i did that by trying to replace her, the love, the void. and its a very bad road. as im trying to pull myself together i can recognize things. like god there is so much. my faith is totally shaken. im scared. im alone, inside not outside. i know i have to let go. i get it. i know it will get easier in time. i can feel it. but my mind is not moving forward enough. n ur right noone knows what to do n i dont want to hear get over it, its been a long time, yes i know all that. several things clashed at once and im trying to sort it all out. i write alot. its all i have since my mom passed. i closed down. falling in love for the first time and not knowing if its real or replaced. but it feels the same in strength. my mom was always who i went to with my inner thoughts n feelings. some things i did not tell n it was i thought to protect me, but when she passed idk i felt very ashamed. and ashamed of where my life was. i felt she could see everything. that ment she knew my turmoil in everything including her. so now imagine, i believed in god, heaven, spirits, purgatory. long stories, but mom always said to go to that john guy so she could talk to me. if im to believe she can talk to me, can she see me. feel me. oh god no. that totured me for 3 yrs. just this summer i started to pull my headaround. now a whole lot of things do not make sence. but i cant accept that as her fait nor can i accept that i cant let her go leving me the one keeping her over n in purgatory. or whatever its. then theres coming to terms with my stepfather. my mom was the sorce, accidentally of our problems. and it has followed in her death. but i know i have to stop it. if u believe in solemates, as i did, this is what my mom believed she was to him n he says to her. now imagine he starts lookinsoon after. i think to myself, omg how does thst work. i wish i knew how to use the puntuation keys. sorry. anyway, he has to move on and there is nothing wrong in theroy of him finding another mate. as a matter of fact, he may not have a choice. thats the laws of nature. so now there is no way in hell my mom is gonna be sitting there when he comes with another. or does she go to her first. no. that changes too much. idk. see mom was always there when needed. it could be months or yrs inbtwn. but she was there to talk it thru. now i find myself in these waves of grief its like putting ur foot in water n making ripples. so i try to not disturb the water. not good. crisis comes today n cycles r out of control. i knew i had to reach out. i kept telling myself someone b4 u has gone down the same road n wrote about it. i had to find help somewhere. sometimes its just writing it, some will need someone to snap me into reality. i finally have words for the things ive been feeling, the shock, lasted long, i think cause i was on effexor n that kind of stops u from feeling. or in my case crying. i dont feel i have the right to be angry, i got to say mt peace, it was a relief, i am being very selfish. the isolation, the midlife crisis. i fig it was gonna be life altering. i was scared at my new outlook for lack of a better word. and the lonelyness. omg it is horrific... whew. i dont feel ready. im the matriarc. i dont have the knowlege yet nor anyone to go to. ya know that person that listens, understands, and accepts ur choices no matter how badddly hey messed u up. then theres the hings said to me in confidence n death bed promices. im so sorry for the writing errors n spelling. its probably the one thing that bothers me. stops me from interacting in the computer world. i let it pass me by. that whole death thing is a ... i def had my death fig if my stomach dont get me first. ok now i feel like a total fool an idiot. but i have to do something. im not fixing on my own. its very confusing. idk what to do now. please let it go thru n not be erased.