I lost my soul mate, partner and best friend 4 weeks tomorrow to cancer. We hadn't been apart one day in 20 years. He was diagnosed only 8 weeks before he died.
The pain and loneliness is unbearable and cruel. He was a very positive, upbeat happy soul who loved me intensely.
After diagnoses we both went into a tail spin of disbelief he was only 47. I think we both started grieving immediately.
We decided we were going to do this death thing together. He was admitted to hospital 17 days before he died with an infection he picked up. I said to him in the hospital that he wasn't going to die in there. He tried to protect me and said it would be easier for me if he stayed in the hospital to die. WRONG, he was coming home with me!
He got excited at the prospect of coming home once he knew I would be able to cope and that was what I wanted. Down in side I knew he would be happier at home and he was for a short 12 hours.
Being with him, holding his hand, looking into each others eyes up until he let go was the most special surreal experience we could have both shared. Yep we did the death thing together. He held my hand said he felt really nice and then squeezed my hand looked into my eyes and let go.
It was truly beautiful, peace, and free from pain at last.
It's only 4 weeks and the pain is unbearable without him. I still can't look at his photo's and find it difficult to talk about him without falling apart.
My soul has been torn apart and is in a million pieces. Not to mention the biggest part of my soul which went with him.
I feel like an empty shell, I want to be with him. I miss him terribly!
As a gay couple we have no children to share my loss. It was just the two of us, now it's just me.

Comments for LOST

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Jan 13, 2012
I am lost too!
by: Robin

I am so sorry about your loss.
You did a very courageous and loving thing to bring and care for your loved one at home. I know this because I did the same for my beloved Stephen. Stephen was diagnosed with stage 4+ lung cancer in May 2011 and died in August. He fought a tough fight but we didn't talk the disease,just the love every minute of every day. It doesn,t make the pain any less but cherish all the love you shared and the greatest gift you gave to him which was yourself.

Nov 17, 2011
Thank you
by: LOST (Luke, Australia)

Thanks Jack and Trish and others for your comments, it really helps.
I'm at work at the moment, but there is still only one thing on my mind and that is my soul mate Nicholas. The longing and missing him is tearing me apart. I don't really know how I function at work, but some how I go on auto pilot and do it without feeling. I cry all the way to work in the car, and cry all the way home. I still get excited in that last hour before I finish and then the crushing reality of "oh he's not going to be there!" No need to stop at the shops and pick something up for dinner, no need to call him and check if he wants me to pick something up for him. oh so empty, so lonely. I wish I could just come up for some air, but it seems impossible.
Arriving home from work is the worst. His empty chair on the patio when I drive in the drive way, his boots still at the front door which I'm unable to move. There really are no words to describe this pain, but it helps reading the stories here and knowing I'm not alone, have ordered the book on grief.

Nov 15, 2011
Soulmates Are Forever
by: TrishJ

It's so difficult to let go of such a pure and gentle soul. The one person that loved us for ourselves....knew our every thought....supported us. My husband will be gone one year in a few weeks and sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday. Gay....straight. Love is love as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately the grief we suffer after our beloved's death is the price we pay for such sweet love. I've said before the only thing worse than losing my husband would be never having him in my life at all. We had many good times together.....many loving memories. The problem is - we wanted it for a longer time didn't we? It was so good we don't know how to live without it. I feel like I've lost an appendage and have to learn to live my life without an arm or leg. It's strange. It doesn't feel right.
All we can do is our best. Take one day at a time. I'm still hoping that happiness will find me again some day when I least expect it. I hope that for you as well.
God bless.

Nov 14, 2011
I'm so sorry for you!
by: Jack

Dear Lost,

My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I too lost my partner of 20 years just about 8 months ago. we were together at the end and we spoke up to the last minutes. My Hakan was brave and strong and honest. A very wonderful man who was only concerned about my coping after he died.
I understand how you feel like you have been torn apart.
Your heart is broken!!! I'll pray for you and I hope you find some peace in time. Write here when you feel the need. This websight helps. Please take care and take one day at a time. Its hard but our partners would want us to go on without them and try to have a good life.
Take care for now. sincerely Jack (NYC)

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