I lost my mother to ovarian cancer eleven months ago. Thirteen days after diagnosis. My mother lived with me. Since my father's death nine years ago she became a shut in refusing to leave our home except to go to church and the cemetary. Never going to a reataurant, a store a family function.....Her physical illness came to me as a total shock. I am an only child and unmarried. She went from never stopping in her daily tasks to one afternoon complaining of flue like symptams to not being able to get off the couch so unusual for her as she never sat always did. Finally convinced her to go to doctor and we were told it was the flue, which seemed to only get worse each day....this led to vaginal bleeding and told she needed a D and C. She would not eat even though I would try a milliuon different things each day to try to entice her to eat something. Finally told she needed a D and C. Which was scheduled for last March 25, 2011. They thought she probably had fiberoids. Instead of the D and C at ten oclock on March 25, 2011 I was told my mother was full of cancer. I was told they did not know how she was able to function until December. I told the doctors they were wrong. My mother did not want to hear anything about her sickness. SoI would go into her hospital room and just smile. On April 7, 2011 she died never returing to the home she loved. We thought we were just going in for a D and C and would be home the same night. Little did I know. I refused to leave her side. I just held her hand. Know good byes, no anything. She had a horrible death that I wss not prepared for. I did not know anything about a death rattle that in her case lasted 72 hours. I could not stand her suffering and the shock of loosing her was more than I could phyically or emotionally handle. My extended family has been my rock but I seem to miss her more each day. I keep getting asked that since it is almost a year i should be feeling better. I am not I am finding it harder as the reality of not having her is becoming more real each day. I never thought it was going to be this hard. One councillor that I went to see said maybe I was feeling relief as I had been her care giver for nine years. I was insulted. I loved my mother with my entire being and took care of her with all that I had I was not relieved I was and am in deep mourning. People say life is for the living and I need to go on. How do I do that? My pain is real and strong and mine!!!!!!!

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Apr 25, 2012
Thank you all so much
by: Lost

I don't know how to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being so understanding and kind. This is just what I needed tonight as I am having such a rough night. Why can't people just accept me the way I am and let me continue to mourn in my own quiet way. My entire extended family has been by my side during this entire struggle but are expecting the old me to magically appear. My deep grief and pain is not allowing the old me to come back. I take antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. Me I can't believe it. I who never took anything stronger than Tylenol. I am just stuck I am existing but not living. My mother lived with me since my father's death nine years ago. She lived for me as I am an only unmarried child. You said it so beautifully that since she was part of my daily life my whole life has completely changed. It is so hard to go on when 2/3's of your family is dead. I have just sold my family home as trying to live in it the last year is making me worse I am hoping the move to a new home will help but then I hope that I have not made a mistake. My mother waited at the door each day for me to arrive home. What I would give to see her one more time. She was such a loving caring woman I don't know why she had to suffer so much at the end. She suffered the pains of hell maybe it something that I did wrong in my life that I don't even know about. Thank you to all.

Apr 25, 2012
My mother died of Ovarian Cancer too!
by: Ilana

In my case, she lasted five months. When she first got sick, we all thought it was the flu. She had the same symptoms as your mother. I recall looking at my mother right before her tumor was discovered thinking that something wasn't right with the way she looked. She was always tired and her stomach looked bloated. Of course, I didn't want to hurt my mother by telling her she looked fat. She was a nurse and I guess I assumed if something was wrong, she would know. But I was wrong. Five months from the day her cancer was discovered she was gone. It was so quick. This disease is horrible and has no warning signs. By the time it is detected it is too late. I am now taking care of myself to make sure what happened to her does not happen to me. I get yearly pelvic ultrasounds and went through genetic testing. It's been two years and I'm still in counseling to try to get over her death. I know exactly how you feel!

Mar 20, 2012
i feel your lost
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. In know it does not ease your pain but makes you feel a little better when u know others are experiencing the same thing you are going through.
I lost my mom on Jan 19th 2012, out of the sudden of a cardiac arrest and everyone keeps telling me I should be strong, get better, people have experienced greater losses etc…. every day I feel worse.
I still cry everyday and still miss her every single second of the day. I would give everything just to see her some more seconds and tell her I love her and I will miss her for life.
People who have not experienced something like this will not understand and they are not to blame.
I feel the same that life has no meaning leaving now and I hope I feel normal someday again.
I am getting help from a therapist but just those moments I spent with her I feel better. I just wait the end of the day to go home and cry.

I hope I feel better someday

Mar 07, 2012
thank you
by: lost

Thank you so much for your kind words and responding. Only people who have dealt with these looses can truly understand our pain. The whole world seems to be going about and I can't. I see people driving and laughing and I think why can't that be me. I have tried group grief councilling and that did help. I guess I should try something simililar because I feel that I am not normal and that I am just going crazy. One year ago my life was so different.....calling my mother several times during the day to check on her and knowing how much she lived for me to arrive home at the end of each day. I wonder where is she? Why do I not get any signs that she is Ok. My faith has been so challenged in the last ten years. I feel that all my strength is gone. At least I know that other people feel the same way I do. I just want to feel normal. I hold in my tears all day and when I get home from work (first visiting the cemetary each day) I cry my heart out for hours about everything that was so precious to me that is now just gone. How can life change so quickly??????? Some people just seem to recover so fast and I am getting worse each day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. So few people seem to understand how profound loss is.

Mar 06, 2012
I'm so sorry
by: MissChris

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. That had to be devastating to take your mother for a routine D&C and never leave the hospital. People that have never experienced a loss sometimes don't really understand what you are going through. My mother is 84 and I am fearful that she might not be around much longer. I'm very close with her and talk with her several times a day. You said your mother passed away 11 months ago. It takes longer than 11 months to grieve for someone. She was part of your daily life, so that means in addtion to losing her, your daily has changed dramatically. Last year I lost my husband and two sons all within 10 months. My entire world changed. One thing that has helped me, is to write in a journal. I type mine on the computer. I write about my day and how different it is without the three of them. I put the days date on it so I can go back and read it. I also write my prayer requests. This way I can go back and see how God answered my prayers. I had a hard time crying too. To help me cry and get it all out, I listen to music on Youtube that reminds me of them. It really helps release held back emotions. It feels very cleansing. I go to a private grief therapist once a week. Hospice also has grief programs and they are free. I'll be starting in spouse loss group in a few weeks. You might want to contact them, they might have a parent loss group. I know how your heart feels broken. I do know that in time the pain will be easier to bare. You're in my prayers.

Mar 06, 2012
also lost
by: Rhonda

I too lost my mom 6 months ago to colon and bone cancer,we didn't have much time either and i wasn't prepared for the horrible painful death she suffered.my mom was my best friend i saw her every day,and i miss her every moment of every day.i sometimes just feel like i can't go on without her i just feel lost most days.everyone else is going on with their lives and expect me todo the same and i just cant.I would give anything to see her again and tell her i love her.

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