Lost

by Jan
(Red Deer, AB, Canada)

I lost my lover, my soul mate, my best friend. He has been suicidal since I first met him and I have gone through many previous suicide attempts by him before. Our relationship was rocky - wonderful for a while, horrible for a while, off and on for over 4 years. My worst nightmare came true, he hung himself and I am left here all alone. I am so sad. If feels unbearable, I have never felt so much emotion and sadness, it is overwhelming. Sometimes I think I will never stop crying, I will never get over this, I will never survive. I am so sad and lonely, I miss him so much. I just want to see him, to talk to him, to touch him, to be with him, for him to hold me and tell me it is all okay.
I feel so alone and isolated. All my family and friends have deserted me. No one calls, no one asks how I am doing, it's like it doesn't matter. I am hanging on by a thread, I feel weak and vulnerable. I pray for the phone to ring, for someone to care about me and really want to know I how really feel, but it doesn't happen. I have had to face the sad truth that the people I had always thought would be there for me no matter what are not who I thought they were.
This grief is mine. I have now decided to grief alone and alone it is. My heart is broken, my faith shattered, my hope lost. I am so exhausted, so alone and so sad. My soul feels engulfed in this grief and I know that I am going through a life changing experience and I will never be the same person I was - some for the better, some of me lost in the depths of despair.
No one will ever be the one I lost, no one will fill that void in my life, the hole in my heart that he gave to me. I miss him so much I can't even describe it. The sadness is the worst. The deep, deep sadness that pulls at my heart and soul. That may lessen with time but it will never go away. I will love him forever and wait for a time for us to be together again

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Oct 31, 2012
Thank You
by: Jan

Thank you to everyone who has wrote to me. Especially thank you Doreen, I certainly feel your pain. I pray every day to God to give me strength. I have never known the depths of grief and despair as I do now. Never again will I be the same. I hope this is a life lesson that will only teach me to be a better person but boy does it hurt. I am trying to make positive confirmations in my head and one of them that I have realized is never have too high of expectations from someone as I have been so hurt and disappointed by my friends and family. Thank you again for your support.

Oct 30, 2012
Lost 2nd Posting
by: Doreen U.K.

Jan this is my second post to you. It must have been a terrible strain loving this man your soul mate. Loving a man who was so unhappy you could try all you could but you would not be able to save him. He was vulnerable to Pain and intense suffering. I have felt suicidal to the point I couldn't hang on. But a power outside of myself saved me. My pain was so unbearable I couldn't hang on. I tried more than 13 times to end my life but was saved from each time. I managed to find the right counsellor. I WAS SAVED. I got my life back. My heart aches for every soul who feels the same way I did. But they can't hang on to life and so end their MISERY, by ending their life. My nephew was like this. PLEADING for someone to SAVE HIM. I feel a kind of helplessness to reach those who are so miserable Life has no meaning. I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago. We were married 44yrs. I know the pain you feel when you love someone so much you can't go on in life. You feel as if your life has ended. Everyone abandons you. Jesus was like this in the garden of Gethsemane. He looked for just one person to stand by Him. Everyone was asleep. Jesus said. "Couldn't you watch with me even one hour." We also will have a Gethsemane Experience when we are forsaken by everyone. In fact I have had many moments forsaken by everyone. Now I lost my precious husband. I have LOST EVERYONE. He was my everything. He was the reason to live to go on each day even in poverty with him I WAS RICH. My heart breaks today with yours. If I could be with you in person I WOULD. You need so much support and care. In the Bible there is a verse that says. Even when father and mother forsake you. I the Lord your God will take you up. Your COMFORT in your grief and sorrow is in GOD. Invite Jesus to take away your pain and to COMFORT YOU. Claim that promise. It is for everyone. I know what it feels like to be rock bottom. praying for the phone to ring. Reaching out for someone, crying with pain that made no sense. BROKEN. Without HOPE. Holding onto life like a thread. It was then that God reached out and picked me up. ASK GOD TO PICK YOU UP. Ask God to send someone to walk beside you and to mentor you till you are stronger. Because we have to live on this earth, Reach out to a doctor or counsellor to put support in place for you. find a church where people will come alongside you and restore your faith in mankind. Either way see a counsellor. You cannot handle this type of grief on your own. You need counselling support from a death by suicide. If you cannot afford to pay. some counsellors offer a sliding scale Fee. Tell Social Services. Tell someone how desperate you are. the worst thing to do is suffer alone. You need someone to throw you a lifeline. Ask God for this lifeline. Someone will come and HELP YOU.
May you be COMFORTED in your Pain and Grief.

Oct 30, 2012
LOST
by: Doreen U.K.

Jan I am so very sorry for your loss of your soul mate. There is no Loss LIKE IT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have us here on this site to support you, but you also will feel like this is a SOLO journey. You are not unique. There are so many people who can identify with every thought and feeling you have expressed here. You are in the pit of DESPAIR and you need someone to pull you up and walk alongside you and support you. THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE. I don't know why people walk away from us when someone close dies. For me My 2 Adult children who were so CLOSE have gone their own ways to grieve with their own partners. I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago. This is a very LONG and PAINFULL journey of sadness, sorrow, grief, emptiness, and lonliness. It is worse when you have no support and you are left all alone. Since everyone has walked away from you and left you all ALONE. DON'T STAY THERE. Go out and find your support. Start with finding a grief counsellor to support you. IMPORTANT, because your loss was from a suicide and the type of death affects the grief. DON'T handle this grief all alone. Ask to be put into a grief support group apart from one to one counselling support. You will find ways to make new friends and find a new support structure. You may also look to the church for support and new friendship. Build on this and YOU WILL GET YOUR LIFE BACK. I know I make it sound so easy from the point your are at. But it isn't. You are at ROCK BOTTOM and need HELP. If I could be there in person to support you I would. But I live in England. I have been where you are. I know how hard it is. I also lost my nephew at 30yrs. He threw himself in front of an expresss train 5 years ago and we know this type of grief. My sister had to have a grief counsellor come to her home to support her. It was a terrrible time for all of us and it has only just gotton a little easier. I FEEL YOUR PAIN! You can also start with your doctor. he will know the right people to put you in contact with. You will feel you have no energy to get out of bed let alone try to get support for yourself. Look hard and see if there is at least one person who can walk with you in your grief. In 6 months I have done very little. But I have done what I have been able to. It is important to move at your own PACE. If you have a TV with the God Chanell on. Watch this and let someone pick you up from where you are and give you the HOPE you need. If you feel very DESPERATE. email me doreenelkington@aol.com. I wish you PEACE and COMFORT in your grief and Sorrow.

Oct 30, 2012
Rise Above
by: Anonymous

You are right, nobody will every replace him. That said, don't let the enemy drag you down into that pit of despair like it did him. You have the power to rise above. It doesn't mean you are "moving on" or forgetting the love of your life, it simply means you are choosing to rise above your circumstances rather than staying pinned underneath them. Hang in there, and God bless!

Oct 30, 2012
You don't know me but I care
by: Chrissy

Jan I care and hope that you will feel some comfort knowing I read your story and I am so sorry I don't know what I would do if I lost my man and don't know what he will do when I go it is very possible I will first as I am 15 years older than him. Love I feel is eternal and you will see him again I know please keep reading this great page use it as much as you can I lost my little guy 3 days ago and I have come here every day since and it is helping I know grief is so hard You are not alone remember the good times I hope you feel better soon Blessed Be

Oct 29, 2012
butter cup
by: Anonymous

she was so cute and lovebly and she the best kitty ever in the while world but now i have to go and in till i die of my brave and ill be with you in my heart sweete you dont have to cry if you cry ill cry with you all year intill i come alive

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