(Red Deer, AB, Canada)
I lost my lover, my soul mate, my best friend. He has been suicidal since I first met him and I have gone through many previous suicide attempts by him before. Our relationship was rocky - wonderful for a while, horrible for a while, off and on for over 4 years. My worst nightmare came true, he hung himself and I am left here all alone. I am so sad. If feels unbearable, I have never felt so much emotion and sadness, it is overwhelming. Sometimes I think I will never stop crying, I will never get over this, I will never survive. I am so sad and lonely, I miss him so much. I just want to see him, to talk to him, to touch him, to be with him, for him to hold me and tell me it is all okay.
I feel so alone and isolated. All my family and friends have deserted me. No one calls, no one asks how I am doing, it's like it doesn't matter. I am hanging on by a thread, I feel weak and vulnerable. I pray for the phone to ring, for someone to care about me and really want to know I how really feel, but it doesn't happen. I have had to face the sad truth that the people I had always thought would be there for me no matter what are not who I thought they were.
This grief is mine. I have now decided to grief alone and alone it is. My heart is broken, my faith shattered, my hope lost. I am so exhausted, so alone and so sad. My soul feels engulfed in this grief and I know that I am going through a life changing experience and I will never be the same person I was - some for the better, some of me lost in the depths of despair.
No one will ever be the one I lost, no one will fill that void in my life, the hole in my heart that he gave to me. I miss him so much I can't even describe it. The sadness is the worst. The deep, deep sadness that pulls at my heart and soul. That may lessen with time but it will never go away. I will love him forever and wait for a time for us to be together again