Love Hate-The rift in the heart

by ACV

6 1/2 years, my entire adult life, the best years of my life. I was recently getting over a relationship. When I finished High School, I started going to Junior College. My old High School boyfriend was my only friend at the time so when he left me, I was left with no emotional support. I decided to go to sunday class to do my first communion. I made a new friend and he invited me over to a party. That's when I met him. I had heard about him through my friend and had shown me some of his drawings. I was skeptical at how awesome this guy sounded, but I had already fallen in love with him before I met him. At the party, we really hit it off, it was amazing. We were both shocked at how much we had in common. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I asked him out, we were one for the other. I messed up from the beginning always comparing how much greater he was to my ex. He didn't stop me when I would talk about him but this caused a deep rift that took him two years to get over. Nevertheless, we were the best of friends for the years to follow. I was fun, funny, adventurous, outgoing, friendly, fair, optimistic, honest, he was cool, smart, hilarious, talented, sweet and respectful. Of course no person or relationship is perfect. He taught me to stand up for myself, to be confident, but I ended up taking him for granted and having an attitude of never being pleased, though I never saw it until way later, he let me get away with everything, and I loved him for his patience and his understanding. I wanted to help him succeed in his passions and wanted him to have goals and dreams because I saw this amazing person with so much potential waiting to be released. I thought I was being a good girlfriend by teaching him how to be polite and well groomed etc. I would get disappointed a lot if he forgot to take care of himself the way I thought was best for him. Like he would always forget his keys, or his I.D, wallet, cut his hair, brush his teeth, cellphone etc. He didn't have papers so he couldn't get a steady job, he never made a lot of money to take me out so I did a lot of the gift giving and dates, and I liked to make him happy and show him the life he deserved since he had an abusive childhood. I tried to build him up, but broke up with him twice because he wasn't progressing with his life and his low self worth made him quit and not try hard enough. But I was always by his side and we were always best friends and naturally got back together. 2011 was the hardest year for us. It took me 6 years of going to school part time and work part time for me to finally graduate with my Associate Degree, suffice to say that his patience with me was wearing thin through my stress and anxiety and dissatisfaction, though I thought I was always getting better and learning to be more grateful, appreciative, and loving. I was always upset when he wouldn't be supportive of me and help me or be happy for me. But I thought we understood each other and we loved each other so much that the good outweighed the bad. I was growing, working, traveling, getting my education, and he was barely getting a steady job and my mom made him get his GED, and he finally had his own place in his parents basement apt. I further strained the relationship when I told him I fell in lust and was inspired while on vacation and was considering moving there to pursue my educational options. I didn't know that I had made him completely insecure, I thought I was being honest. He is just so quiet and held back with his feelings and emotions, I wish he could trust me and open up to me so that I could know that what I was doing was wrong. After graduating, and mexico, I realized that I was on vacation high, I decided to stay and finish my last two years of college and continue my relationship with my boyfriend. I thought we were more connected than ever. I wanted to move in with him so that I could see him more now that I was going to going to the university full time. he didn't take the steps to go through with it. I've never made him do anything he didn't want to, I was never possessive and always trusting. If he did or did not do something, that was all on him, its his life. I had no idea that he was beginning to have an emotional affair with a woman he met though me when we hitched a ride with a friend to a concert I got him to his favorite band in the whole world for our anniversary. Like, I said I trusted him but I still felt uneasy but I never questioned the extent of the relationship, little did I know that he spent more time and energy in communicating and vising her than he did to me because I was always so tired and stressed from school. We only saw each other, on the weekends and it was him helping me with homework. We were having problems talking to each other because he always lost his cell phone and I couldn't call his house phone because his parents didn't want me. So I convinced him to buy me a cell phone since he was working full time now for some time and could afford it and I was unemployed, I gave him my old cell phone. Things didn't get better. We got into a fight and he decided that he was done and we were through. I agreed because I saw that school was making me stress out too much and I couldn't manage our time to be together. He said it was because he wasn't good enough. But afterward it was like he had died. I begged him to come back to me. I accepted him as he was. I only pushed him away further. It was so inconsiderate to me because I was so tired and stressed since I was not eating, sleeping and I had the heavy burden of being the support for my two parents who were recently dealing with infidelity. I asked for my old cell phone back and found out all 450 text messaged exchanged btn him and this girl while only 150 from me and him. They were flirty and were an inappropriate number of text being sent in one day. I confronted him immediately when I found out a week after the break up. He said he didn't want to talk to me and he wouldn't pick up the phone. He later told me that he was just ****ing around and that it didn't mean anything, that text is not the same as a phone conversation. That it was none of my business what was going on in her life, that I didn't understand. I asked him to please stop talking to her and he said no. he denied that I was being replaced. I asked him to at least please stop talking to her about our relationship that our relationship is between him and me. to that he agreed. I didn't want to sound jealous or untrustworthy so I didn't mention her again. But eventually the denial was gone and I realized that he was in an emotional affair. Nobody, no matter how bad a relationship is deserved to be cheated on. I stopped talking to him after two months of limited electronic contact. He kept pushing me away and we were just talking out of emotions and hurt. a month after no contact, I found out on my birthday that all of our friends deleted me off facebook and that he had made that girl his girlfriend. It hurts so much. I learned from my mistakes, I felt so sorry. I wanted so much to just give him time to heal and give me time to deal with my stressors so that we could make up and be stronger but he didn't want any of that. he always told me that if we broke up that he would be alone for a long time but he lied. he always went to her and looked for her, he introduced her to his friends and family right away, he met her family, and he spent time alone with her in his room what was once out intimate space. She's finished college so she had the time and attention he desired. We had this incredible bond. We read each others minds, our love making was so passionate and when we hugged you could literally feel our solar plexus connected. That's how I know we were soulmates.
He began the relationship with her weeks before the breakup; I always struggled to get him to open up to me and it hurt knowing that he is perfectly capable of communicating openly. From the little he told me about her, they have a lot in common, music wise, which is important to him i guess, but she smokes, and drinks, and has piercings, is a gold digger, and shes easy. he seems to not notice these deal breakers. I was his first and I really thought he would never look at another girl much less, move on so quickly. It hurts me so much. He deserves to be alone to deal with his depression, low self esteem, low self worth, low self respect, low self patience, so that he can finally have a plan to become the man he was made to be. I realize that no matter how much I tried to make him happy, that nobody can make another person happy, me included. I know that I am severely depressed at this situation and I still have dreams of reconciliation, I was always loyal and committed. I have never felt such a deep pain in my life, this is worse than a physical loss. I can't eat, sleep, concentrate etc. Therapy does nothing. I know I have much to grow and learn, and I will be evolving into the beautiful person I was meant to be. I never meant any harm. Still I never deserved to be cheated on or to be emotionally manipulated. I wish nothing but the best for him and like I said before I wish he didn't make this bad decision, he deserves to give it time but its his life and i can't control him, he is gone. I lost my best friend, my confidant, my life, my world, my one true love. I hope one day I will accept this situation that because of this rebound and the harsh treatment and him giving himself physically to another,that I respect myself too much to want to be with him again. The love hate pains me so much.

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