Love Never Dies

by Tina Marie Bebry
(New York)

Rest in peace, little angel

Rest in peace, little angel

My name is Tina. I recently turned twenty. I'm a complicated person with very complicated problems and difficult hardships. These past few years have been exceptionally rough for me, but luckily, I had my precious little angel to help me through my struggles. Nutmeg; my perfect little baby... The love of my life. My jewel. My guardian angel. Until three days ago, Nutmeg was my (approximately) ten-year-old cat. She was the sweetest, most accepting animal companion ever imaginable- so forgiving, compassionate, and loving. She was a gentle creature of love who gave me hope, even in my darkest times- even as I contemplated my own death.
I suffer from Chronic Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Whenever I fled outside my house to cry in the dark, I found Nutmeg standing by my side- watching, waiting, protecting. It's inexplicable to those who haven't experienced it, but we loved each other more than anyone could ever possibly imagine. No matter what I went through, she was always there for me- in the pouring rain, the freezing cold, the wind, the heat- she was there by my side or on my lap to comfort me for hours. We used to lay together on a lounge chair in the afternoon, staring up at the sky until the stars pierced though the darkness. It didn't matter how cold it was. Oftentimes it was far below freezing- but it didn't matter because we kept each other warm as we cuddled and held on. She even used to follow me around the outside of my house wherever I went. One time she even walked down the block to comfort me where I sat crying- she left her territory for me.
Some people will never understand what we had. They just don't get that animals are more than just pets- they are companions, friends, and most of all, they are family.
October 26th, 2013. My parents and I rushed Nutmeg to the animal hospital after weeks of intensive treatment and several visits to the vet. She was breathing heavily and whimpering which each struggling gasp. My baby girl was dying and I didn't even know it; the one I cuddled with in bed with her arms around mine and her head under my chin. My perfect little angel... After what felt like hours of talking with the doctors and waiting for test results, they dropped the bomb we all knew in our hearts was coming. "Every possible disease she may have does NOT have a good prognosis." "But is there any hope at all? ANYTHING? Even a SHRED of hope?" "The chances of there being no hope is extremely high." My heart sank with these words as they hit me. I could barely breathe. My brother came and we all talked it over after we heard what we had to hear from the doctors. It would have been cruel to put her through any more invasive testing and waiting. She was near death, opening her mouth and gasping for each breath-that even in the oxygen tank cage she was in. I was so sick from the news I went outside and thew up in the parking lot.
We got to say our choked-up goodbyes to her in a special room. I held her as she took her last pained breath and her body went limp and calm. As she left me, I bawled and shook and told her, "I love you so much. I love you so much! I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... My little baby... I love you so, so much... Goodbye, Nutmeg... I love you....." Even as I write this I am finding myself with tears coming from my weary eyes. I lost my best friend- my sister- my baby girl- my perfect little guardian angel- my love; but worst of all, I lost part of myself.
Even as I shoved pills down her throat and force-fed her when she refused to eat, she still loved me and forgave me. After all of the nebulizer treatments and gross-smelling nutrition gel and after all of the shots and tests, she never held it against me. In fact, I think she knew I was trying to help her as I wiped the food from her fur (and myself and the floor). She may not have understood why, but she knew. Not once has Nutmeg ever raised a paw at me, growled, hissed, or bitten me. Even after all the pain and confusion... She was there. I had her love and her trust and she had mine; and now that she's gone, I just don't know what to do. However, I DO know that I will be starting a charity for people with ill pets who cannot afford things like surgery, medicine, euthanasia, cremation, etcetera. I will never, ever let her memory or my love for her die. Everyone shall know her name and who and what she was- what she still is in my heart and the hearts of my family. We will never be the same without you, Nutmeg. Without our perfect little angel, we just don't know what to do. Thank you, you beautiful, loving being of light, for all of the things you brought us: the happiness, the joy, the hope, the companionship, the laughter, the love. Thank you for it all. You saved me with your love. You brought our broken family together. You will NEVER be forgotten.

May you rest in peace with Jesus' arms forever and ever. Amen.

Comments for Love Never Dies

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Oct 05, 2014
Re: Pepsiforever
by: Tina Marie Bebry

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me. You made me smile. I hope you continue to heal and spread your love for animals. May Pepsi rest in peace <3

Sep 30, 2014
Pepsi4ever
by: Rose

Pepsi was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was a ginger and white cat that I bought for my mum from the SPCA in 1995. Mum died about 9 months after that and I adopted Pepsi.
Not long after I adopted him I realized just what an incredibly beautiful cat he was and that I was going to be devastated when he died.
We developed an amazing bond. I was sick for many years and he just knew exactly what part of my body to avoid when I was in pain.
He usually slept in the bed with me, unless it was Summer, then he slept on top. One particular Summer night, I was so sick, I thought I was going to die and Pepsi, who was fast asleep, suddenly woke up, looked at me and jumped up and came and sat on my shoulder until I went to sleep.
He did many things like that to comfort me. He was a wonderful cat.
I could write a book about all the things I loved about him. I had had cats before but none of them were anything like him. He followed me everywhere, he was like my shadow. We understood each others' language perfectly.
I had him for thirteen wonderful years but tragically, had to witness him dying a horrendous death, in his twentieth year.
I was not only in deep grief but I was deeply traumatised. The pain was the worst thing I have ever gone through, I felt like I had lost my child. I went to see a Pet Counsellor which helped.
I wept ever day for six months and then, suddenly, one morning I woke up and realized that I had turned the corner and was free to love another cat again...and I did. He wasn't Pepsi but I loved him in a different way.
So to anyone that has just lost a beloved pet, there is hope. Your heart will heal. You will never forget your loss but you will go on again, live again and love again.
And find joy in the fact that your pet lived a wonderfully happy life, because he was dearly
loved by you.


Nov 14, 2013
See, you're a nice lady...
by: greg

Thank you for the flattering comments, but seriously I'm crazy dumb.

The one thing I've picked up so far is to keep talking. If you can find someone with a deal like yours, that's awesome, but talking first and foremost is the thing.

My time on the couch started to end something like this...

I went to a super sharp therapist, certain sure that I was doomed and I couldn't be helped. 2 sessions and 15 minutes later, he wrapped up my major malfunction in 100 words or less.

Man did that tick me off!

Point is, there's something about laying it out in the open. When you sit in your own dark place its easy to create this static world where nothing changes. The challenge is accepting that the cold comfort of the familiar isn't as good as tearing open the hurt and doing the hard work of making something better. Having someone to hold your hand while you do the hard work is good. Their different perspective helps too.

I know its hard when it feels like you have the sharp end of a ship parked on your chest, but it does feel better when you put it down. All you have to do is PUT IT DOWN.

See, don't sound so smart now, do I?

But I promise, with a little time and space, you'll be amazed at the number of people who are pulling for you.

I know I am.

God bless and take care,
greg

Nov 13, 2013
Response to Greg
by: Tina

Greg

You seem like a really intelligent and unique person. I just want to thank you so much for what you said and how you described my relationship with my little angel. I'm so sorry you must bear a similar burden as myself with the depression and everything else. I do hope things turn up for you as they are for me- even if it's a slow process. God bless you and thanks again for taking the time to comment.

I also want to thank everybody else who commented and I want you all to know I appreciate it.

-T

Nov 12, 2013
ever have someone say...
by: greg

I know how you feel, and you really hated that they had the gall to say it?

So I'm going to say it anyway.

Not that I've said it to my family, but I think I've got a problem with depression. I've had my time in my head wondering if my continued breathing was worth the effort.

Great way to start a comment on a grief recovery site, huh?

The wrinkle in my darker thoughts has been my family, and specifically, the special pets I've been blessed with.

You talked about the special tortures you've endured, and how Nutmeg was there for you. I'll use myself as a reference, and I'll bet maybe you would agree that you weren't at your best for company at those moments.

But Nutmeg did.

She could have waited for your storm to pass and taken your company when it was fun. Rain, cold, distance, she was there. That's not a pet, that's a friend, and she made a choice and an effort to love you because she thought your were worth it.

I think she's right.

You did the rotten, lousy, and really hard work for her when she was sick. Do the same for yourself. She'd want you to.

God bless and take care,
greg


Nov 01, 2013
Beautiful Nutmeg
by: Diane

What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful soul, your Nutmeg.I just wanted you to know you are NOT alone in your grief, we are here to help share your sorrow. I am so glad that you were strong enough to comfort and love your baby as she passed to the Rainbow Bridge, even though it tore at your soul.It takes a long time to mend the hole that is left in your heart, but you have a good start with your idea to help others. I paid for the adoption of several cats in my Chrissy's name, to honor her and to helpfully fill some of this void left in my heart.I think we feel we must do something to honor and remember our babies. Please know we are here and will try to help. Bless you for caring so much. RIP beautiful Nutmeg!

Oct 30, 2013
Love never Dies.
by: Doreen UK

Tina I am sorry for your loss of your beloved Nutmeg. She is so beautiful. What a lovely but sad story of Pure Love from Nutmeg to you and you to her. She is adorable and I can understand the love of a pet which is why so many people have a pet after a loss of someone dear. You got to Love Nutmeg unconditionally. She loved you Unconditionally and this is the highest form of LOVING. Your are truly blessed. She is safe in the arms of Jesus and he is caring for her now till you are reunited. I am sorry for your sadness in life that has made you so very unhappy. Try a grief counsellor so you can receive the care of a professional to work out your pain of your past so it stops you from living with less pain. It possible to resolve our past in a counselling room. I did it and I am a happier and more integrated person. Keep a pet journal of Nutmeg and put in your journal all your precious memories with her. Let her know in your journal how much she meant to you, and what her death has done to you. You will have these memories forever and also this is a very therapeutic way to Heal from your loss. I wish you better days ahead and God be with you and comfort you in your sorrow and grief.

Oct 30, 2013
Love Never Dies
by: Judith in California

Dear Tina, when you see how much people go through every day you'll see you're not so complicated. We all have gone through trials of life and we all have our crosses to bear.
I'm so sorry for your loss of Nutmeg. She was so lucky to have you to care for her enough to let her go to Rainbow Bridge. I have 8 kitties there. 5 of which I lost within a year and 8 months. They all got some disease I just knew there were no cure for. It broke my heart as yours is for each one to have to be put down. I found peace knowing they would never suffer another day. I loved them too much to let them. My pain was less important. I still miss each one and have pictures of them in a kitty corner as a memorial.

In time I wll have another for life is empty without a pet. There are so many Kitties out there who need you and a loving home. God loans them to us to share our love with.

I hope you will find peace knowing you did what was best for her.

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