Love of My Life
by Pat J.
(Green Bay, Wi)
I never imagined to experience such grief. I lost my Mom 35 years ago on June 25th. She died the day before my 11th wedding anniversary. I was 29 years old and had 5 children; my baby was 3 months old. I thought that was the worst thing to happen. Thirty years later, I lost my dad to a massive heart attack. My husband and I found him sleeping in his recliner. He died a perfect death they told me. I could have been sitting right next to him and would not have known, he just slept away. I had him so many more years than my mom, I thought that was worst.
On June 27th of this year, I lost my husband. Our 46th wedding anniversary was the 26th of June. He died of a massive heart attck on the 27th of June at 12:10 a.m. It was as if he didn't want to die on our anniversary. He had been in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks.The doctors told us he had heart and lung issues, but was not dying. They told me and our 5 adult children that 1 week before he died. In the hospital, my husband kept telling me and our children, he was dying. We kept reassuring him that was not going to happen. I now know God and my husband knew better.
Experiencing his death is by far the the worst grief I could experience. The day he died a part of me died also. I dated him when I was 15 years old and we married when I was 18. He was my not only my husband, he was my lover and my best friend. I have a large family; yet I feel so sad and oh so lonely. I can't imagine ever being happy again. I do things, but don't really have any pleasure-it's like I'm faking it until I can make it.
I didn't realize all the tears I would shed. They come on me so many times. Just mentioning his name brings tears, looking at pictures bring tears, just thinking about him brings tears. I miss his voice, I miss his presence, I miss his daily hugs and kisses. Everyday he told me he loved me and realizing I will never hear those words from him again; it just hurts so much.
Everone tells me it will get easier; I ask my God and my husband to help me get through this and I have to have faith that in time it will happen. but it still hurts so much; I sometimes wonder if I ever will be happy again.