Love of My Life

by Pat J.
(Green Bay, Wi)

I never imagined to experience such grief. I lost my Mom 35 years ago on June 25th. She died the day before my 11th wedding anniversary. I was 29 years old and had 5 children; my baby was 3 months old. I thought that was the worst thing to happen. Thirty years later, I lost my dad to a massive heart attack. My husband and I found him sleeping in his recliner. He died a perfect death they told me. I could have been sitting right next to him and would not have known, he just slept away. I had him so many more years than my mom, I thought that was worst.
On June 27th of this year, I lost my husband. Our 46th wedding anniversary was the 26th of June. He died of a massive heart attck on the 27th of June at 12:10 a.m. It was as if he didn't want to die on our anniversary. He had been in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks.The doctors told us he had heart and lung issues, but was not dying. They told me and our 5 adult children that 1 week before he died. In the hospital, my husband kept telling me and our children, he was dying. We kept reassuring him that was not going to happen. I now know God and my husband knew better.
Experiencing his death is by far the the worst grief I could experience. The day he died a part of me died also. I dated him when I was 15 years old and we married when I was 18. He was my not only my husband, he was my lover and my best friend. I have a large family; yet I feel so sad and oh so lonely. I can't imagine ever being happy again. I do things, but don't really have any pleasure-it's like I'm faking it until I can make it.
I didn't realize all the tears I would shed. They come on me so many times. Just mentioning his name brings tears, looking at pictures bring tears, just thinking about him brings tears. I miss his voice, I miss his presence, I miss his daily hugs and kisses. Everyday he told me he loved me and realizing I will never hear those words from him again; it just hurts so much.
Everone tells me it will get easier; I ask my God and my husband to help me get through this and I have to have faith that in time it will happen. but it still hurts so much; I sometimes wonder if I ever will be happy again.

Comments for Love of My Life

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Sep 06, 2011
The Love of our Lives...

Pat J.

I sit here listening to the thunder outside. One of Many things that I did with my husband. In my first posts I spoke of the pain listening to the thunder, recalling all the times that we felt so...? connected and the rain brought buckets of tears to my eyes as I sobbed feeling so very alone.

My mother died then my father became sick, he fought cancer and beat it twice it was a stroke that killed him. My husband has a stroke following surgery so perhaps my grief sat on the back burner as I was hubby caretaker.

I felt with the pain of losing my parents, my mother having been ill (with Alzheimers) for some time and my father having been strong through illnesses for some time also.

The thing is I never thought that I would survive grief. That I would ever smile a genuine smile....It took a long time faking it till I made it. It is now that acceptance is not a dirty word. Not a word that angers me. and in retrospect acceptance for me Was the hardest part of grief.

Please come here and talk to us. Let us know how you feel because we have felt it too, or are going through it also. This is the one place that you can honestly tell us every emotion that you feel and you will NOT be judged because we really do "Get it"

This is a safe place to come at all hours of the night, when you can't sleep and do not feel comfortable calling someone "bothering them" with something that they really can not understand unless they have been there. We are always here and will always hear you when ever you need to talk.

Sep 05, 2011
Love of my life
by: Mari

I am sorry for your losses Pat and for the way you feel. I know you must wonder if you will ever be happy again.Just trust in the Lord and take a day at a time.
Imagine your husband out of pain and with the Lord. Some day you will see him again.
I realize our lives have changed forever.I even have trouble preparing a meal for one. I used to feed my husband a good meal and sat down with him to eat. When he was so sick I was working full time and running back and forth to WalMart for prescriptions. I would have a sinking feeling after each trip to the doctor and then the hospital. His heart was giving out.He had stents put in his heart and when we went home he said,''Make plans for your birthday and also for New yrs, get a nice room for us.'' My birthday was just a couple of days away and he died 2 days later on Nov 22nt..He died at home. He turned to me that last night and said,''I love you so much.'' I told him I loved him so much too. And he died in his sleep.
It sure has been hard. But let me tell you, we have an awesome police dept. They were a great comfort to me and my family that awful morning.
I trust in the Lord to know when the time is right. That does not make it easier but he is not suffering anymore.We are here for you when you want to express your feelings. Your mom must have been a wonderful lady.
We have to go on for the sake of the ones who are still here and need our love, people like you. I can tell you are kind and caring.Every day I ask the Lord to help me make it through another day.

Sep 05, 2011
Love of my Life
by: jules

Take comfort - it is early days - the gut wrencing pain does ease - I lost the love of my life 22 months ago, so I do know what you are going through. We were together 42 years - I loved him from the moment I saw him - knew we would be together forever - but his forever wasn't as long as my forever.
He died suddenly while we were on a caravanning trip, suffered a stroke and died two days later. I went through exactly what you are going through, pain, disbelief, completely unable to function - could not even remember how to make a cup of coffee - my daughter and her children were my lifesavers.
I would burst into tears at the most stupid things, I cried all the way home one day driving back from town - some 40k - I went to the doctor, when he asked what was wrong, I burst out crying - he gave me a prescription for some anti depressants - which helped, I took them for three months, then weaned off - they helped get my head together. So go to your doctor, it does help.

But the thing that has helped me most has been this site - you can join grief groups and go to meetings, you can go to a counsellor, but we do not grieve to an appointment - this site is here at 2am, or anytime you need to "just get it out" - you may not get instant replies, but I think the act of writing down what you are feeling, knowing there will be no judgement or negative comments is one of the best things in helping you cope.
You won't get over this easily, and no one can tell you how long it takes - I think this will be with me forever, I still cry at certain songs, or I find a photo that I haven't seen for a while.

Come here when you need - and remeber - every day
one step, one breath
take care

Sep 05, 2011
A Little Progress Is A Good Thing
by: TrishJ

My name is also Pat J. I live in the Chicago suburbs. I have passed through Green Bay many times. My entire family loves Door County. My husband and I spent many happy weeks up in Gills Rock where we loved to stay.
I too met my husband as a teenager. We were married for 37 1/2 years. I have two grown children who have moved on with their lives. Today is Labor Day and I'm sitting in my apartment all alone, crying, remembering last Labor Day when my husband was still here. I lost Joe 9 months ago. As they were loading him into the ambulance to take me to the University of Chicago he said, "Honey, I'm dying. I can feel it." I said, "No, not you. How many times have we been through this?" Why didn't I listen? He had never said that before. I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
I look back on the last 9 months and I think, OK, maybe I've made a little progress. I have come to terms with his death and know that God called him home because he just couldn't go on any longer. He suffered so. He didn't want to leave us but he just couldn't fight any longer. I just miss him so much. I had a good two hour cry earlier. I don't find much joy in anything I do right now. I'm hoping it will get better. Everyone tells me it will. I have to have faith and you also. It's hard work. It's painful every day. Life goes on and I just don't feel like I'm a part of it right now. With God's help we will get through this.
I continue to pray and keep my chin up. That's all we can do. I'm looking forward to actually feeling excited about something again. Until that day I will just keep things......
1 breath, 1 step at a time.
God Bless:)

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