Love of my life
by Pat J
(Green Bay, Wi)
This is my second post. It was 3 months on August 27th that my husband of 46 years died, of a massive heart attack. I don't cry quite as much, but at times the tears still come. Going to church is hard for me. I always shed tears at church. I cry to the cemetary to visit his grave, get there and the tears stop. Get in the car to come home and the tears start again.
My adult children keep telling me they want me to be happy again and that their dad would want me to be happy again. I want to be happy again, but it is so hard when a persons heart is still broken.
I went back to work. I really didn't want to, but my children said, mom it will be good for you, you can't stay home and be sad all the time. Going back to work does help, but I still come home to an empty house and go to bed by myself, yet I still imagine my husband laying beside me. I just filled his side of the bed with all the decorator pillows from the bed and I hug his fleece jacket and say my rosary until I fall asleep.
I am sleeping better and my eating has gotten a little better. I eat my dinner in the living room watching TV on a TV tray. I just can't sit at the table by myself; when I do that the tears just start falling. I am just doing what I have to do-faking it until I can make it.
Our church is offering a Grief Support Group for 6 weeks on Tuesday evening and I joined it. I am hoping to come out of it a little stronger and maybe even make a few new friends, who understand what I am feeling and going through.
I keep praying to my God and my husband to help me get stronger. I tell my husband good morning when I wake up and at night I tell him, good night sweetheart, God Bless you and I love you. We did that when he was alive and I will continue it even though I no longer hear those words from him, yet feel he is telling me the same.
I guess I just never imagined how much it hurts when you lose a spouse. I still feel a part of me died with him.
I am grateful I found this site and will continue to visit.