Love of My Life

It is 5 months today that my husband; my lover and best friend died. This is my third time posting since his death. It truly is a roller coaster ride with our grief. I miss Red(his nickname)so very much.He did so much for me since he had retired and I was still working full time. I always told him there was no way I could work the hours I did if he didn't do all that he did for me-cooking, cleaning, laundry-our daughters were so envious. They would ask me how I got him to do all that he did. I just told them, be married as long as us-46 years.
I joined a grief support group through our church. Four of us widows have really bonded. That is really helping us all deal with our grief, and it is amazing what we all have in common, yet never met until our husbands death. We so, Get it, as we say. Doing things together, after our session has ended, has helped each of us. We are now developing a friendship. My children are happy I have them, as I am so fortunate to have them in my life.
I miss Red terribly and even as I am doing things with my new friends, in the back of my mind, I am telling myelf, I would rather be sitting at home , just with him. We were home-bodies, we enjoyed our home. Now, with this new life that has been forced on me, my life has so changed. I haven't really gotten used to this new life yet and I hope to be able to say one day that I really am happy again. Happy again in a different way, as I know my life is forever changed.
I am grateful for this site and I come on it everyday, since I found it. I read other stories and cry along with everyone else. We all are strangers and it is amazing how we can tell everyone our feelings so openly because WE ALL GET IT.

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Jun 26, 2014
Love Of My Life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Hi Everyone,
Today is June 26,2014. It would be Reds' and my 49th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, he will be gone 3 years tomorrow, June 27th.
My oldest daughter called me this morning and invited me to lunch with her and her daughter. She asked me what I had planned for today, said nothing and asked me along. She knew what today was. After lunch, I visited his grave alone. This is what all my anniversaries will be like from now on. I accept that, but still am envious of anyone celebrating their wedding anniversary.
Three years; where has the time gone? My heart is still breaking; yet, I try to be so strong. I miss Red so much and still feel like a part of me has died. I keep myself busy. My way of dealing with the loss of my husband of 46 years. How do we go on? We just do, we don't have a choice, life goes on.
Our lives will never be the same. It's so hard to believe he is gone 3 years and I still have this ache in my heart. The ache hasn't lesson either. I do know in my heart he is gone and I will never see him again in this life. My faith tells me I will see him again, when I die and that is what really keeps me going- MY FAITH.
I had some amazing experiences; spiritual visits, feeling his presence and seeing his face, him telling me things in dreams or whatever they were. I talked to my priest about them, thinking I was imagining them. He told me they were real. I will always cherish them. Red's favorite bird was a Cardinal and I have never seen so many since his death. I believe they are a sign from him. Again, MY FAITH.
One Day at a Time is how I am living. I don't sweat the small stuff.

Feb 27, 2013
Love Of my life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Hi Everyone,
Today is February 27th, Red is gone 21 months. I often wonder how I have made it without him, physically by my side. I do know there have been many times my God has carried me. I still often feel Reds' presence here in our home, where he died from a massive heart attack.
I still miss him just as much today. I don't have the earth shattering tears, but the tears are still there. I still have this awful ache in my heart for him. I think that's always going to be there. I still kiss his picture and tell him good night, that I will always love him and miss him, and do the same every morning. Each day starts and ends with that.
I have my widow friends and I am so grateful for them. Every Sunday after church, we go for breakfast together. These are different women, not the ones I met at my Grief Support Group. I still go out once a month with them. One of them now has a new man in her life. I am happy for her, but I can't imagine me ever going there. Red and I were married for 46 years and he was in my life since the age of 15. I can't imagine ever sharing what I shared with him with someone else. My feelings still are, if I can't have Red, I don't want anyone else.
I am finding we do go on, but our life is forever changed. My outlook on life sure has changed. My family and friends are what are really important to me. I am just so grateful also to still the support from his family. They include me in family functions. Yes, I feel different being with them, part of me is missing; there brother, my husband. We still talk about him. He died, yes, but he is still a part of my life and always will be.
With my adult children; I feel like I am the child now and they are the adult. My oldest daughter calls meveryday to see how I am doing. My middle daughter makes me dinner once a month. This month instead of dinner, she took me to the move "Safe Haven". I shed tears during the movie. I could relate to some of it. When Janelle makes dinner, it always turns into a family get-to-gether, because the other 4 children ask if they can join us for dinner, and it becomes a family affair-something Red enjoyed so much.
To those early in their grief,when we lose someone we love, we never quite get over it, we just slowly learn how to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart.
I still am taking it one day at a time. I am still working part time, but since I turned 66 this January, I am thinking of retiring completely next year, Red died at 67, do I want to contimue working until I die, I don't think so.
We all are very strong people, to survive this awful grief.

Dec 14, 2011
Am right there with you
by: Anonymous

46 years! You should be so proud! My thoughts and prayers are with you. My wife of 24 years was taken by cancer this past August. I am trying.....

Nov 28, 2011
Love of my life
by: Mari

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to lose someone you love. I truly understand.The grieving process is like an unwanted journey that we have to go through.It is a day at time, a month, a year. Gradually healing comes.
It is probably one of the most difficult things to go through.God is with you every step of the way.
I want you you to know that you have come to the right place, this board with wonderful people and we are here for you whenever you feel the need to speak of what is on your mind and heart.
Your children sound wonderful. That is a real blessing.
I have my parents still and 18 grandchildren and a little 10 month great grandaughter. I don't know what I would do without them.
We need all the love and support they have to offer us.Their love is unconditional.
Take care of yourself and remember we are here for you. God bless you.Keep posting.

Nov 27, 2011
Love and Life
by: TrishJ

Weren't they all the loves of our lives? Weren't we fortunate to have them in our lives?
Yes.......somehow that still leaves me feeling a little bit hollow. I know I should be thankful for having such a wonderful man to love / and love me back. I just miss him so much. It's almost one year and I still ache to curl up next to him at night. I would give all of the money in my bank account and start over just to hear him say, "I love you", one more time.
We really are brave women but we had no choice. I too have changed so much some days I look in the mirror and say, "Whom am I?" I feel like I will always be his wife but there is nothing wifely about me anymore. I'm a mom, grandma, sister and friend. I have to learn to be content with that. I'm trying.
God bless. I hope you find some peace and hope during this holiday season. Holidays are the worst. Something we look forward to all year and the absence of our husbands seem to over shadow all the joy.

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