Love of my Life

by Shirley
(Iowa)


I lost my husband, Huey, 6 weeks before our 41st anniversary. Our story is long...and he was inspiring...
But that doesn't help with what I go thru now. He passed away March 12, 2013 here at home.
He had Small Cell Lung Cancer Extensive. I don't know how to explain the pain I feel. People try to
be nice, say things that I want to scream and say, no it won't get better, and no I can't get thru
this. Then I get where I think oh thank God I am finally getting better, then it hits again.
He was only 63 years old, we had our golden years ahead of us. We have two grown daughters, they are struggling with losing their Dad. We have 4 Grandsons, three that are 17 and one that is 19. Everyone tries to comfort me but I find no comfort in anything. I even don't care if I die. Yes I have kids and grand kids, but that is not the same as my soul mate. We were 19 and 22 when we got married we grew up together, raised our family. How do you ever replace that.
People tell me you are still young you can meet someone else. I don't ever want to meet someone else, because I never ever want to feel this way again. I never want to love someone so much that this kind of pain is what you go thru. I loved my parents with all my heart, and have lost them both, but this pain is worse than that ever was.
I go to work, I come home and the house is so empty. My oldest grandson lives with me, but works, goes to college and is barely here. I can feel Huey here at times. When he first passed my daughter and I said this living room is so cold (we had a hospital bed in the living room and that is where he passed) and the room was never that cold before. You could not get warm in that room.
It has subsided some now, but I still can be sitting in there and a cold chill will go over me clear to the bone. I am sure his spirit is here. I keep looking for other signs, one day at work a feeling came over me like he was speaking directly to my heart. I even wrote down what he said cause I was so amazed by it....This is what he said...I did not die, my body did. I love you more now than ever. I will
always be with you and we will be together again.
I thought I might be a little crazy when I heard this...but I take it for what it is...
I was outside talking to a friend from across the street one day...and I have looked at this big tree in their yard many times before and it always looked round. That day and still, it is heart shaped. I had to look at it twice when I saw it cause I couldn't believe it. Just last night I showed it to one of our grandsons, he said that is awesome Grandma.
I am going to seek a medium and a friend at work said her sister has one come to her house sometimes, so one of our daughters and I want to go. One of our daughters lives in the town I do and the other in Florida. We will see what they have to say. This is my story on where I am right now and will be anxious to see where I am in a few months from now. I know I am not the only one who has lost a husband, but I am the only one who has lost this husband.

Comments for Love of my Life

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Jun 09, 2013
Relay for Life
by: Shirley

My daughter and I went yesterday to Relay for Life for the cancer society. Thinking we could do this and do it in memory of my husband and her Dad. We were so wrong. First thing one of my husbands nurses came up to us and gave me a big hug. I was happy to see her but brought so much back. Then we saw 2 more of his cancer nurses. Then one of his cancer Dr's. It was way to much for us to handle now, to soon. Saw a great niece of ours and she just hugged us and said she totally understood us not being able to do it. So our goal is next to for sure do this in honor of Huey..after we get some more time under our belts...

Jun 04, 2013
Love of my lie
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Shirley,
Reading your post brought back memories, this is exatly how I felt and still feel at times.
It will be 2 years on June 27th, that the love of my life died. He died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. He was in my life since the age of 15; married him at 18 and he was 21.
He died here at home from a massive heart attack. I also lost both of my parents and agree the pain of his loss is so much more. People told me things would get easier and better. For me, I don't agree; acceptance, learning to live without him, living my new life, carrying him in my heart. that is how it is for me. You never truly get over the death of a spouse. You learn to live without them; thinking of them every single day. He is the first person I talk to in the morning and the last one at night. He is physically gone, but his spirit is always with me.
I have 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren. I often still say WE. Going from WE to Me; that is still hard. I joined a grief support group and have new widow friends. Most of my friends are now widows. I have the support of his family, but they go home to their spouses. I go home alone to an empty bed.
Coming to this site helps me. I realize I have come along way since the first day on this site. It encourages me to read other posts, reminding me I am not alone in my grief. It's crazy how we can be with alot of people, yet feel so alone.
We will always love them and miss them. I am moving on with MY life. It is not the life I choose for myself, but it is the life God has given me. I want my husband back, only he had heath issues and he would not want that kind of life. He felt he was a burden to me; I deserved better. I reminded him of our marriage vows; for better or worse, in sickness and in health.
I am now grateful for the years I had him in my lefe. He was mine; no he wasn't perfect, but he was mine. I now realize, God brought him into my life, but that God also took him away.
I experienced many signs from him; the last one telling me he is in heaven, it's beautiful there and he's happy. I know he will be waiting for me. One day I will join him. My children want me to be happy and enjoy my life. My happy and enjoying life will never be the same. I still take it one day at a time.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Jun 04, 2013
Thank You
by: Shirley

If you go to Theirspace, to Huey, my soulmate there is more to the story of us. I thank all of you for your comforting words and wisdom. I pray you all find the peace we are all looking for...

Jun 04, 2013
So sorry for your loss
by: Alan

I'm so sorry for your loss, Shirley.
I lost my beautiful Donna to lung cancer on December 8th, 2011, she was 52. Sometimes I could scream with all I'm worth at this cruel fact. It seems, as others have shared, that this grief we all have in common is playing a trick on me, too. I've been having a harder time the past few months than I did the first year or so. It's 3:30 in the morning here and I just started a pot of coffee as the birds outside sing their usual morning song. I haven't had any bad dreams, it just seems that for some reason I'd rather stay up, especially when I don't have to work the next day. You see, today is our 36th wedding anniversary and I had planned to visit the beach where I laid my wife's ashes and toss a yellow rose into the ocean, maybe share a cup of Dunkin' Donuts' coffee, cry of course, maybe laugh a bit. Last year I think I may have been kind of numb, I remember it was hard, but this year I'm not so sure I can muster the strength to visit my wife's favorite spot. Just the thought of not going really bothers me, tears form just mentioning it. It seems all the pain has left it's toll. I'm tired. This grief makes one weary. This grief makes one question all that one thought they knew. About everything. Everything but Love. If I never learn one more fact in my life, what I find most comforting is the fact I've been truly and luckily blessed with having known true Love. It resides in my heart still, where it always was and will always be. I know my Donna would not be disappointed in me, or think any less of me should I choose not to visit. She's not at the beach you see, she's deep in my heart and soul, guiding me all the while, patiently waiting for the moment we'll be reunited forever again!

I have no words of wisdom for you, Shirley. Just know that you are not alone and may we all find the strength to carry on.

Jun 03, 2013
Love of my Life
by: Allison

Oh Shirley - I was so touched by your post. I feel your pain. My sweetie, Kent, died suddenly 18 months ago just 3 weeks before our 43rd anniversary. We too were childhood sweethearts. We have two sons and five wonderful grand babies aged eight to fourteen not to mention two phenomenal daughters in law. However all their love and attention doesn't make the loss any easier. It is a physical pain that is like no other experience we'll ever endure. Like you, when my parents died I couldn't believe the anguish but this loss is far more intense. I hurt a lot, just like you. I also want to seek out a medium - I have had some signs from Kent and I so want to believe that he is with me. Small solace that the greater the pain, the greater the love. Take care of yourself. That's about the only advice I can add at this time. Cherishing yourself is a gift to the memory of your Huey. It's what he wishes for you.

Jun 03, 2013
Love of my Life
by: Doreen U.K.

Shirley I wrote on your first post. My husband Steve died of lung cancer. In his 20's he cut asbestos not knowing of the health hazards. No one knew it was a deadly substance and he ingested the fibres and developed a slow growing malignant cancer tumour 40yrs. later. It takes 40-60yrs. to develop. Why couldn't it develop in 50yrs. or 60yrs. That way he would have enjoyed the retirement he deserved. Instead I do this alone. Many wives died before their husbands did. The wives would shake the husband's clothes before washing and they would inhale the fibres and end up with MESOTHELIOMA also. I have been tested. But who knows? (up to 60yrs.) Steve's cancer was horrendous. It would take too long to tell you but he died 13 months ago. My grief is worse now than the early days. I must have been numb all this time. I could scream. To lose a life partner is the worst pain anyone can go through. As if my soul is slowly haemorrhaging. We were married 44yrs. Steve was my FIRST LOVE & MY LAST LOVE.
People can be so insensitive at a time like this thinking that we can re-marry. Tell them straight. I DON'T WANT TO. Your story is similar to mine. Steve wanted to die at home. I cared for him over 3yrs. Just like you we had a hospital bed in the lounge and Steve died in our front room. In the very corner the couch is and where I sit. This room used to be very warm now IT IS SO COLD I SHIVER. I always have to wear double clothing and cover myself with a blanket on the couch and I still can't get warm. This room has been cold for 13 months. Today is our hottest day. And this room is still cold. My daughter feels it also. I had signs for days afterwards of white feathers. Everywhere I went I saw white feathers. This is a very well known sign from loved ones dying. A white bird sat on our fence and was like an angel and stayed with us for over 4yrs. throughout Steve's 3yr. Cancer battle, and 1yr. after and has just left. I miss him. I would talk to this bird and he would sit quietly and listen whilst most birds would fly away. I dream most nights of Steve and in my dreams he is not dead. He is alive. I have 3 Adult children all living their own independent lives. The youngest lives with me but is working full time and long hours and has to go to bed early for work the next day. The other 2 are married. I have 2 baby grandchildren Steve has been robbed of so much life with them and us.
I know how you feel and what you are going through it is the worst pain ever. And it is the worst time of our lives. Even if we understand and support each other in our pain we still have to do this part of living by ourselves. This is where it hurts. ALL ALONE NOW. FOREVER. This is Pain that can never be repaired. Lonliness that can never be repaired or replaced. It is OURS forever and NOT FAIR!!!!.
May God comfort you in your sorrow and grief. I am sorry for your/our loss.

Jun 03, 2013
I know
by: Anonymous

Shirley,

I am so sorry for your loss. There is no pain like this. I have been at this longer than you. My Charlie passed April 9, 2012. We were married for 45 years. Without the signs and contact I have received from him, I would have joined him long ago. I finally sought a medium and our reading has helped me greatly.

I see that you are in Iowa. I am too.

In the meantime, I wish you peace. Julie

Jun 03, 2013
my son Brendon
by: vicky

I also have had something like this happen to me, my son was killed 80 weeks ago and one night he spoke to me in what I thought was a dream telling me he loved me and that he was still here, that he knew that I knew it was only his body that died, I felt so good in the morning. I did see a medium and she was so good told me so many things that I now know that Brendon is here watching over us until we can be with him again. I agree the pain is so bad and then you think you are ok and you go down again, keep your chin up and just think of how much you loved your husband and the things he did that made you smile.
Thinking of you

Jun 03, 2013
Together Again
by: June

Oh Shirley, I do know what you are going through, I have the same emotions. My husband, Mike died March 8, 2012 at the age of 67, we were married for 42 years and I miss him so much. I, too have children and grandchildren, friends, animals (thank goodness for my dog and cat), etc., but it still doesn't help the sadness I feel. We had so much more we wanted to do. My only hope is that we will be Together Again (a great song by Paul Brandt). It's been 15 months since Mike passed and I feel worse. The whole first year was kind of a fog, not really believing he was gone. Yes, I did the things that had to be done but all with no real purpose. I don't like this life. There will never be anyone else for me.
This site is a great help and people here understand what we are going through....like you say, others have lost their husbands, but this was my husband!
I find helping others has helped me, I keep busy but not sure if that is just putting off the grieving process.
One comfort I have had is a couple of things have happened to show that Mike is around me, I am hoping this is true.

My thoughts are with you.

One of the letters on this site stated that to grieve long and hard is to have had a great love.

xo
June
Canada

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