Love you a million and one

This is the first summer since I was 16 that I have not worked. My husband and I talked about it and decided that we would survive without my income and I could spend time with our children and our family. The last day of school was May 17. On May 22, we found out that Gram has lung cancer. I have cried at least once a day every day since. For the first week or two all I could do when I visited her was cry. I was so scared. I did not know what like would be like without her. I also, didn’t want to know what life was like without her. I went to the nursing home and saw her at least four times a week. Some days, I would take my kids to daycare and spend the whole day with her. We would talk, watch TV, takes naps… just like when I was a kid and would go spend the day at her house. One day she asked me where my children were, and I said they were at daycare. Her reply? Well, I enjoy seeing you, but next time bring the kids. She loved me (I was her favorite—everyone knew it even though she never said it aloud until this summer she also said out of her great grandchildren mine were her favorite.) We enjoyed our summer. I also accepted my first teaching position and was able to share that with my gram. She was more thrilled than I was! Next thing I know the summer was winding down and I caught a cold! I knew that in her condition I couldn’t go see her until I was better—I waited 1 week and decided that I needed a steroid shot to give me a boost (I missed her so bad!) I got the shot on Saturday. I called her on Saturday night and was able to talk to her on the phone and could actually hear her voice. She was laughing because I told her my butt hurt where I got that stinking shot! On Sunday, my mom called me around 5:30 and said that Gram wasn’t doing very well. I asked if I could come see her. She said yes. I said even with my cold? Again, mom said yes. I hurried into the nursing home and hugged Gram. I was so happy to see her wearing a shirt that I got for her from my college. I talked to her about my kids and reminded her of a promise she made to me. I was sitting on her bed holding her hand when she passed. My heart hurt so bad. My heart still hurts, my stomach just sinks… I want so badly to talk to her, to feel her soft hands, for her to tell me everything is going to be alright. I want to tell her about my school year, about the kids… but when I do tell her there is no reply. I can’t see her smile. I find myself wondering why. Why did she have to go. Why couldn’t she stay a little longer? BUT, I also don’t want her to have stayed and suffer. She was so special and precious to me that it is hard for me to explain. I am sad because my kids are so little and will only remember memories that I tell them.
I hated at the funeral and the days before and after people always asking how I am doing. How do you think that I am doing? My gram just passed away! I am not good and honestly I don’t know that I will ever be good.

Comments for Love you a million and one

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Oct 14, 2013
No regrets
by: Anonymous

I just lost my grandpa about 3 weeks ago and he was also my last remaining grandparent and one of my closest (he and his wife). He lived about 600 miles away and as he was getting a bit sicker I kept feeling a nudge to go and see him a bit more. Because I was not sure of the reaction of the family in his area if I were to go there again, and maybe some other personal reasons I am not aware of just yet, I kept putting off going there, when all I really wanted to do was go there for an extended time (I am a SAHM too) and take care of him until he passed, or at least visit him most days like you did with your grandma. Anyways, I know if I had been braver and done this that I would not have as many regrets. It is very hard to live with this feeling that I was not true to my instincts. May you always remember warmly all the time you spent with your grandma in her last days, even though we always want it to be more. May God bless you.

Sep 14, 2013
Love you a million and one
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your gram. You supported her well before she passed away. We all have favourites in our families. I was a favourite daughter but I also had sibling rivalry as a result.
You will feel so hurt for a long time. Grief has a process and then each time we cry we heal a little more from our grief. The secret is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago to lung cancer. My husband worked with Asbestos and cut this on a electric saw and the fibres lodged in his Lung for 40yrs. and a slow tumour grew and is always inoperable, incurable, and aggressive. Living with this news of terminal cancer was the worst experience of my life. I watched my husband slowly die of cancer over 3yrs. I was his caregiver. It will take time to recover from our grief. But life is difficult for some time for all of us. You will get your life back and life won't always be this painful. Don't give up!!

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