Love you a million and one
This is the first summer since I was 16 that I have not worked. My husband and I talked about it and decided that we would survive without my income and I could spend time with our children and our family. The last day of school was May 17. On May 22, we found out that Gram has lung cancer. I have cried at least once a day every day since. For the first week or two all I could do when I visited her was cry. I was so scared. I did not know what like would be like without her. I also, didn’t want to know what life was like without her. I went to the nursing home and saw her at least four times a week. Some days, I would take my kids to daycare and spend the whole day with her. We would talk, watch TV, takes naps… just like when I was a kid and would go spend the day at her house. One day she asked me where my children were, and I said they were at daycare. Her reply? Well, I enjoy seeing you, but next time bring the kids. She loved me (I was her favorite—everyone knew it even though she never said it aloud until this summer she also said out of her great grandchildren mine were her favorite.) We enjoyed our summer. I also accepted my first teaching position and was able to share that with my gram. She was more thrilled than I was! Next thing I know the summer was winding down and I caught a cold! I knew that in her condition I couldn’t go see her until I was better—I waited 1 week and decided that I needed a steroid shot to give me a boost (I missed her so bad!) I got the shot on Saturday. I called her on Saturday night and was able to talk to her on the phone and could actually hear her voice. She was laughing because I told her my butt hurt where I got that stinking shot! On Sunday, my mom called me around 5:30 and said that Gram wasn’t doing very well. I asked if I could come see her. She said yes. I said even with my cold? Again, mom said yes. I hurried into the nursing home and hugged Gram. I was so happy to see her wearing a shirt that I got for her from my college. I talked to her about my kids and reminded her of a promise she made to me. I was sitting on her bed holding her hand when she passed. My heart hurt so bad. My heart still hurts, my stomach just sinks… I want so badly to talk to her, to feel her soft hands, for her to tell me everything is going to be alright. I want to tell her about my school year, about the kids… but when I do tell her there is no reply. I can’t see her smile. I find myself wondering why. Why did she have to go. Why couldn’t she stay a little longer? BUT, I also don’t want her to have stayed and suffer. She was so special and precious to me that it is hard for me to explain. I am sad because my kids are so little and will only remember memories that I tell them.
I hated at the funeral and the days before and after people always asking how I am doing. How do you think that I am doing? My gram just passed away! I am not good and honestly I don’t know that I will ever be good.