Loving Robert

Loving Robert

I met him almost 8 years ago. For the first time I was pursued and given value. He called me, left messages and love songs on my phone. Picked me up from work. Told me I was beautiful. And I foolishly believed it for the first time in my life. My only value to that point was in my practicality and usefulness to others. With Robert, I was valued just for being me. We were great friends, and I was, and still am, constantly hungry for knowledge of him. The more I learned of him, the more I loved him. I wanted nothing more than to reinforce to him that which he was giving me.

In being loved by him, he was learning to love, and I was learning to believe in being loved. I learned of his childhood and scarred past. I grew angry at those who had harmed him in the past. Like a mother trying to protect and comfort her child, I mourned for him. I felt his pain for him. I loved him so much more than words can ever express. He trusted me. I trusted him. It was an intimacy and trust that I had never before experienced. Others would see the way we looked at each other and comment on the intense love that they saw. It was unbelievable. As perhaps it should have been.

When he retreated, I patiently coaxed the scared little boy out and wrapped my heart around him. I longed to take away his fear and his pain. As I saw a loving man emerge, I rejoiced at our triumph over sadness. I had found my soul mate. I knew the love he had for me was unconditional. I knew I would never ever love another so strongly ever again. I had someone in whom I could trust. Someone who would not abandon me. This man really loved me. In the sadness of his eyes I saw myself staring back. This was my twin, my friend, my lover. For a moment in time, I was loved as equally as I loved.

Then in an instant.. It was gone. I learned of an unspeakable act of betrayal. Why? I’ll question that always. In his confessions, I saw the scared little boy begging me not to stop loving him. How could I turn from him? He trusted me. To turn from him now would damage him forever. I could not do that to him. His greatest fear was then, and is now, abandonment. He feared being thrown away. I of all people can understand that fear. I know the feeling of worthlessness staring back at you from the eyes of the very one you are reaching for. I cannot do that to him. I feel it when I see him. It is as if I am experiencing it for myself all over again. Empathy is my strongest gift from god. It is also my biggest curse.

Slowly... My forgiveness returned. In the midst of forgiving I learned to forget... if only temporarily. After the catharsis of truth and the rebirth of healing… I somehow became the child. Damaged now and needing so to feel the love returned in likeness to the amount it had been given. That is when he backed away. I stood hopeless. As my lover, my child, my father, my friend slipped further and further from me. My pain and need only driving him from me more. Ultimately the betrayal came. With reckless abandon, and no concern for my fragile soul came the lies and infidelity. Even more cruelly this time. For this time, I let myself need. I opened up to abandonment and rejection and was scalded. Tossed away as unworthy. Unwanted.

My life now… trying to pick up the pieces. Longing for the best friend. Praying still for the fragile little boy. The twin. The soul mate. The person I gave my soul to. I walk now without a soul and feel at this moment that I always will. I can not go back. I will not allow myself to be hurt like this again. I would rather live without a soul, than die without my dignity.

Comments for Loving Robert

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Mar 21, 2011
to living with dignity
by: Kelly-CO

I am touched by your writing! I am here now with the same emotions. I have NEVER given myself to someone the way I have before I met my partner. She after 7 years and no "work" or "effort" toward the relationship is saying that she can only be friends. She has told me that I was "doing exactly what everyone else in her life has done, leave." Then I feel guilty for being firm in my beliefs and in saying that I can't just be her friend. I am lost as to how someone can be in the same relationship as you were and then just not be in the same place or the exact opposite! It kills me-truly and you too I am sure. She also has found another love and has refused to stop communication with her to work on us. I don't understand what she thinks is really going to become of us. She keeps telling me that this is not about me...it is about her and her feelings. When I tell her what I think and feel and my hopes for US, she tells me that I don't listen and that I am selfish and pathetic. I don't how I have been degraded to thinking that this love is ultimate be all? I hope that if I do put myself in your position that I do not end up doubly hurt again. I am so sorry and can only proceed with caution. I pray that your hurt and pain are less with each day. I pray that we can both make it through this horrible storm!

Dec 13, 2009
Thank you
by: The Author

Thank you all...for caring so much. and God's speed to all of you.. you have truly helped me heal.....The Author

Sep 21, 2009
Lost love
by: Anonymous

"I know the feeling of worthlessness staring back at you from the eyes of the very one you are reaching for." "Empathy is my strongest gift from god. It is also my biggest curse." So powerful. I read your post and could just feel your love for him. I'm so sorry that he couldn't see how lucky he was to have you... someone who gave her all to support and love him. Thank you for your story. It's so hard. I'm reading all your stories and I have tears in my eyes. I wish we could all just give one another hugs because we truly understand the pain. Keep that dignity. You deserve love reflecting back in someone's eyes for all times.

Jan 24, 2009
Loved and lost
by: Anonymous

Me and my ex were together for 8 years. Maybe it was a blessing that I couldn't have kids. He was so nice in public, but at home he just shut down, turned away from me. Infidelity, lies, no regard for the hurt he caused. He thought he was entitled to do whatever he wanted.

When we met he had nothing. I was so happy, thought we could become something together, I was going to school and he was helping his brother with family business. It was great, we were on the same level. I took 45k student loans to pay for cars, bills, life while he was putting the money away for a house. When he got the house I was not welcome. He did not care where I was to go. I gave all a person could give, there was nothing left for me, he had my all.

One night I was asleep when I heard some noise. I was not a morning person, but I opened my eyes. He was next to me, dressed. He said he was going to work and I should go to sleep. He was so nice about it, even stroked my hair. I was so happy, thought he was coming around. He hasn't talked so nicely to me in many months. Happy, I went back to sleep.

A couple hours later I woke up and went to brush my teeth. Through half opened eyes I noticed there was no shower curtain. Strange, I thought. My eyes opened a bit wider, I noticed all the shampoo and toothpaste was gone. I went out into a closet to get more toothpaste and glanced into the living room. It was empty. Kitchen-no silverware, no table, no chairs, no food. It hit me like a ton of bricks. HE WAS GONE.

I should have known, that niceness was not for nothing. I had to go to a birthday celebration at a restaurant, but I crashed. I went back to the bedroom and fell on my knees near the only furniture left - a bed. How could he do this to me? We've known each other for so many years, he could have talked to me. I trusted him with my life and he didn't trust me to tell me how he was feeling. I still miss him. Crazy, huh?

At times when it gets unbearable, the only thing that helps me was trying to remember how cruel he was the last few years. I even wrote it down so I won't forget, because one wise man said to me once that the only thing you remember are the good parts. But the bad ones should steer you in the right direction. Embrace your feelings, live through them, no matter how long it takes.

God bless you. Prayer also helps.

Dec 27, 2008
by: Anonymous

I love your post. I could not have said it better. My ex is exactly like your ex. He has been diagnosed as a sociopath, with superficial charm and pathological lying. It has been devastating for me, as I thought I had found my soulmate. We even have 2 kids together. I was devalued and discarded like a piece of trash without any second thoughts. This is after giving my heart and soul to him, it hurts so so bad. Now he is with someone else, flaunts her before me, even when I was pregnant. Sometimes the pain I feel is so excruciating, I wonder if it will ever end. Like you, my empathy is a curse. God bless you and heal you and everyone else who is grieving.

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