Luke

by Anna

Ever since we were little me and my brother were very close. He was more like a best friend to me. I always knew that if anyone upset me or hurt me that he would be there for me. I have never gone a day without speaking to him at least once. I also have a little sister but I felt closer to Luke. We have so many memories just typical childhood stuff like jumping on the sofa pretending the floor was lava and I remember making a video for you've been framed, endless hours of Lara Croft on play station together. we never finished it though. Then when I was in year 8 at school my dad left us, we later found out that he had been having an affair for the past 6 years, since I was in year 3. I was devastated. I felt like my entire life had been a lie. I broke down I had always looked up to my dad and felt safe with him. He was my dad after all. My brother Luke and I became even closer then we already were, he saved me from the road I was heading down. From then on he was the one I felt safe with who I admired, he was my brother, my best friend and a father figure to me. One day we were hanging out at home laughing and watching TV when he left to go to see a friend. He left at around 3:30pm in his car he is was 19 and I was 15. Then at around 4:30pm there was a knock at the door. One of those knocks that is about to change your life. It was 2 police officers, Luke had been in a car accident with 2 other cars, the others were alright but Luke died. He died. This was just over 12 months ago now. I didn't leave the house at all for the first 3 months apart from to attend the funeral, not even into the garden. My brother was a part of me and in just one hour my life had changed forever. I lost myself that day, it was as if I to had died. Now I find myself seeking help from other peoples stories and find myself telling you mine. I am a year on but this year has gone so fast and so slow at the same time. Everyday feels like it was yesterday he was with me. He was my rock, he was my brother, he was my best friend. I always thought we would end up being like Monica and ross Geller of friends when we were older and we would always be really close, I knew we would. I love him so much words cannot justify. One minute some ones here and alive and the next your standing next to them at the chapel of rest, feeling like are a stranger. People expect you have to moved on by now, friends and even distant family but the truth is I cant move on. Luke was a person and a lovely one, a gentle, kind hearted, one in a million, one who made misstates but had a huge good beating heart. I don't know anymore, nothing is certain anymore. You put this brave face on to fool others, you even fool yourself for a while but when you take of the mask... I also feel whenever I talk about Luke people change the subject like its old news and to me it still feels so recent and raw. I don't know what to feel. I have trust issues, anxiety and now a slight stutter. I don't know what's happened to my life. When I started secondary school in yr. 7 I had a mum, dad, brother, sister and dog. I was so grateful and now about to leave yr. 11 I feel as though I have lost everything. Like Life has given up on me, and truth be told I have been close to giving up on me too.

Comments for Luke

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May 21, 2013
Thank You
by: Anna

Thank you all for commenting. IT has been a help. I'm sorry about your sister. I know what you mean no one can truly know what it feels like to lose a sibling until you've gone through it through it yourself. They are someone you always expect to be there, for the rest of your life. You always expected to bury your parents before your sibling and decisions like that you expected to make with your sibling in the future. Its hard to live a normal life anymore because the person that meant the most to isn't there. You also feel guilty because you get to live and do things and grow older, but they don't, I mean I know they'd want us to but its difficult! The only person you want to talk to and see is not there; and they never will be again, at least not in person. and dealing with that is the hardest thing of all. It would be nice to have a friend that went through something similar, my friend always says she knows how I feel because she lost her grandma, and although I know it must of been sad for her. Its not the same, her grandma lived hours away and she saw her like twice a year; its not the same as having someone so close in your life everyday.

May 19, 2013
I know
by: Anonymous

Everything you said, word for word is how I feel. I lost my elder sister six months back and I feel lik I am never gonna be ok again. While people out there expect me to be done wid grieving I am still struggling to find a reason to keep ploughing on. I wish I could be there with you personally. You see it is so hard to find someone who can understand what loving your sibling so much and then losing them can feel like. Anyway take care and keep fighting for the person who has always fought your battles so far.Thats what he would want. Thats what I tell myself.

May 15, 2013
Remember the good times
by: Anonymous

I lost my two brothers in a car accident when I was 15, 45 years ago. They were 18 & 20 and drove a 1000 miles to come home for Xmas. A friend called and they left with him to go to a bachelor party, less then two hours later they were gone. Our father had died in a car accident when I was just a toddler. We did have our Mother but us kids always seemed to look out for each other. I can tell you someday the good memories will someday help ease some of the pain. The pain will always be there, but the fun times, laughs, silly times, even the rough times will someday make you remember your brother with a smile and pride. The hurt is still there always but the good times will be the first thing you think of.
Look at pictures, talk, talk, and talk some more about your memories. Cry, scream, get mad, get happy, whatever helps. I can tell you it does get easier with time, and you will never forget the good times or the loss...

May 11, 2013
Luke
by: Doreen U.K.

Anna I am so sorry for your loss of your brother Luke. This is such a tragic loss to you forever. You are young and have gone through so much. You don't say where your mum is? I know your dad left with another woman. So does this mean that your father is not looking out for you now? How did your father respond to the loss of Luke? Did he act with care and support? or was he more involved in his present new life? I am not surprised that you are feeling the way you are now. If you are resident in the U.K. Try and see a CRUSE bereavement counsellor and ask for their best counsellor. If you do this and don't get a good counsellor try again until you get the right one. It is possible for you to help resolve some of the pain you are in now. What you need is the time and space to talk and cry and do what you need to do to cope with repressed grief. It is so unfortunate that your relatives are dismissive and not clued up to your need to talk of Luke no matter how long it takes. For them to walk with you through this valley of loss. You are not alone. I know of many families who say the same thing. Everyone is so busy to get on with their own lives they can't understand why you are still grieving. This is because they don't understand Grief. They don't know what it feels like. There is nothing wrong with you. I have the same problem. After the funeral you get forgotten. Other relatives move on and you are left alone and very Lonely with your suffering and grief. All of us on this grief site know what you are going through and understand what you are saying. We all go through it so don't feel you are all alone. Saying this you are pretty much on your own where you are in your life because you need physical support. You need to know how you can move forward. It is going to take a long time. It is only as and when you are able to put new things in your life that life will change. But it is the lack of motivation that stops many of us from being able to go on in life. Something inside of us dies and we can't get back the energy to move on. I am in the same place. But I am older than you. To feel less alone try and keep a LUKE JOURNAL and write out all your thoughts and feelings to him as if he was still here. This way you will get your grief out of your system. You will have this memory journal forever.

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