Mac Died on July 25, 2010

by Charlotte
(Brooklyn, NY)

It?s hard to know how much/little to write here; my husband died unexpectedly a little over 48 hours ago . . . and I don't know whether this site demands a "complete" story ? Or, if I can update this over the next hours, days, etc. when I get the chance or inclination.

I knew Mac for almost 10 years, we were married for almost 3. I met him when I was 50 . . . that was unexpected. I married him when I was 57. We had a good plan for a good life? and 2 days ago that life and that plan blew-up.

I don't know what to do . . . I mean, I can get through the next few days: the plans for the funeral, the schedules, the calls, the errands. . . I guess I can get through them, if these sudden anxiety attacks don't become any more staggering.

But what do I do then? How do I put anything back together when the person I talked to every day . . . the person I traveled with . . . the person I planned trips with, and discussed books with, and drank and smoked and ate with, and watched "Lost" with, and made snide comments to, is gone forever? And there won't be any more trips or plans or talks or meals or inside jokes ever again???

I can't stand to think about the days and weeks and months and years ahead . . . alone.

I can't stand this fear that I'll never have a happy or content or safe moment again.