Mad at myself

I have been in a relationship for 5 1/2 years with a man that now I feel I never knew. About 2 months ago he broke up with me in a text. That's what you do at 18 not 49 and 50. I then caught him in bed with someone else 4 days later. We did not live together and I suspected something was the reason for this so my BFF and I went to his house, his car the only one in the driveway but I had that women's intuition and looked in thru the door and saw a purse on the counter so yes, I entered we'll snuck into the house and found them in bed together, of course a few harsh words said and I threw her purse across the living room then his keys down over the bank. I then went thru the self humiliation and begged him to make us work, he is currently with another women not the one I caught him with and I feel so miserable. We truly didn't have the best relationship and I admit that but it was what it was and it was mine. I feel so rejected and unloved. He was a manipulative person, I don't think he thought I was good enough, and now I keep driving myself mad by thinking " he is happy now" my BFF says that is not true, he is a very negative person and hates people. She says it is all in my head that he will treat her the same and that it is always good in te beginning, somehow I can't see that, he tore me down over the years and I lost myself I want me back but feel so stuck in doom and gloom, they say no one can make u feel anything u don't already feel. I don't like who I have become, I miss him and can't imagine me feeling happy about this, I know "things get better with time" can't wait till I feel happy again, I cry, get angry, and I think I am more angry at myself than at him. I just don't feel normal and feel like I will be like this forever, I have lost my joy, honestly why would I want someone like him, he made fun of me, I could never do anything right unless it was pleasing to him. I just hate the thought of starting over again, I do pray all the time and I want to have faith that GOD has another, better plan for me, but its hard to keep that faith. I just want me back!!!!! I want to believe it will happen but man what a daily struggle, can barely make myself move, I feel like there are two people inside of me fighting. Going thru menopause doesn't help, makes you ask the question,,,,,am I crazy?? I want him to be happy......oh who am I kidding, I want him to feel miserable and that makes me angry at myself for feeling that way.......what to do...

Comments for Mad at myself

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Jul 06, 2013
thanks to all
by: Anonymous

Dear silver,
Thank you for your comments. i have thought about how i do feel sorry for him, but i also keep thinking "oh he must be happy" i keep questioning, what is wrong with me. i guess that is normal, but it sure isnt fun. i feel like i will be stuck in this place forever. i cant help but ask myself why would i be so sad over him, i should be happy i now know how disrespectful he is. i am pretty sure this has probably happened before i just didnt catch him. something sent me there that night that is one thing i know. All say GOD works in mysterious ways. it was something i needed to see, but 2 months later i still cant get it out of my head. i feel very betrayed, i just cant believe i truly never knew this man. that is the thing that irritates me the most. i just cant believe it still. i do know with time it will fade, but i sure do wish it were now. i am thankful to know this now and not to have given another day to this man, but it still hurts. like i said still mad at myself.

Jul 05, 2013
mad at my self
by: silver

You know what is the best revenge?....If he cheated on you what makes the other woman think he will be true to her?One day he will look back on his life and all the women he hurt and find that he has no one in his life that he can be sure of.It's sad but true...treat others badly consistantly and eventually things will come true circle.One day he will need pity because he will be alone unless he changes.Be thankful it won't be you.You are obviously a loving person and one day you will find someone who loves YOU.Be happy without him.Sending you love and prayers for peace.

Jul 05, 2013
Mad at myself
by: Anonymous

Thanks to Judith and Doreen
You both sound like wise women. thank you so much for your comments. you have no idea how it has helped. you have both inspired me to give myself the respect we all deserve. thanks again.

Jul 04, 2013
Mad at myself
by: Doreen U.K.

We all get mad at ourselves for the choices and decisions we make. You are mad more so because you may feel you let yourself be used this way by filling a need for him that wasn't returned to you. Instead you are the one feeling the assault on your self esteem. This man is not worth worrying about. Honestly all the negative things he said about you is not worth thinking about. This man is insecure and a serial adulterer and so gets his kicks from his conquests with several women. You don't need this in your life. What you are yearning for is someone to love you in a loving and mutually giving relationship. Just don't turn all this inwards and start questioning your judgement or choices. Get some counselling and learn some skills to build up your self esteem and be assertive. You don't have to live like this. You will be unhappy because you are of an age where you will feel you shouldn't have fallen for a man like this. But courting and being in love is also a test and a learning curve. You learnt quickly that this man wants more and not the type you can offer. to feel used is damaging and will take you some time to recover from. It is possible to get your life back but go through the motions of a break up. Try and build yourself up and not compare notes or start looking inwards for failings. Some men can even project themselves onto you and you feel insecure when he has this problem. Don't fret. Life is a battle and often this is internal. Find God in your life and all God to heal you and perhaps if you go to Church you may find a nice man to Love and who will Cherish you as you were meant to be. Best wishes.

Jul 04, 2013
Don't get mad, Get Going!
by: Judith in California

Dear MAD, please read my reply to "Lost and confused. Wish I could forget my life!" my reply to her is for you also .
If you have to give up who you are to be in a relationship with a man then you are with the wrong man

Then If you choose to give up all of who you are just to be with a guy then this is how it will be. I know of what I speak as I'm a person who has been in your and "Lost" shoes. Never let a man define who you are or what your life should be or make false staements about you. Verbally and physically abusive men are all insecure and when they find a victim like you they will pass on that miserable self esteem on to you. I don't care if the man is rich or a pretty by. Men will treat you the way they now they can. Ladies, respect yourseves and then walk out the door the FRIST time they show you disrespect. Don't give them a second chance.
It's better to be live alone than to be with someone and feel lonely and unloved and treated like a doormat and just be there for HIS pleasure whenever he decides to give you any attention. Go forth and be wiser.

Jul 04, 2013
STILL MAD....
by: Anonymous

Thanks Judith. I really needed that. your right i do need to gain my self respect back. i cant wait for the day i can say good riddence to that jerk and mean it clear to my core. you are so right he doesnt care how i feel because i truly thinks he hates women. he doesnt even speak to his own mother. well once again thanks so much. sometimes it helps to hear others perspective of a situation.

Jul 03, 2013
MAD TOO
by: Judith in California

MY DEAR LADY, PLEASE REXAMINE YOURSELF. YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHO YOU SHOULD BE. THAT SO CALLED MAN WAS AN ABUSIVE, MANIPULATIVE , NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH. HE DOENSN'T CARE ONE IOTA ABOUT YOU OR HOW YOU FEEL. HE WILL NOT FEEL MISERABLE BECAUSE HE HASN'T THE EMPATHY TO FEEL ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY AT THE MOMENT.
PLEASE GAIN YOUR SELF RESPECT BACK AND SWEAR YOU'LL NEVER ALLOW ANOTHER MAN TO TREAT YOU LIKE A DOOR MAT AND DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE ONE EITHER. SET YOUR STANDARDS HIGH AND BELIEVE YOU DESERVE THE BEST IN LIFE EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO GIVE THAT TO YOURSELF.
YOU'RE A MATURE WOMAN AND YOU'RE ACTING LIKE ARE WERE 16.
YOUR MAIN THOUGHT SHOULD BE "GOOD RIDDANCE JERK!"

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