Making a choice to heal

In the beginning there is no light every daybreak is a painful reminder of the rest of your life without your husband. The last thought is of him and the first thought is that he's gone. The agony is unbearable. Then someone asked me if I was ready to choose. I had no idea what they were talking about but they said are you ready to choose to heal. I was insulted heal I would never heal. But there is an unavoidable truth it is simply that life will demand an answer no matter how many tears you shed you cannot change the truth, no matter how many prayers you say you cannot change the truth. You must choose to stay in the darkness or step into the light and heal. You cannot rush it you cannot stop it, it will come and you will heal. Not quickly but slowly and trust me the first time you laugh it will shock you. But soon slowly life will call you back to the day to day wonder of it all and you will smile and thank God for the happiness you had. Be thankful some never know the gift of love.

Comments for Making a choice to heal

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Mar 10, 2014
Choosing to heal
by: Judy (formerly FL now CA)

In five years of widowhood this is possibly the most nonsensical and crazy statement I have ever heard from someone trying to be helpful.

If we could "choose" to heal all widows and widowers would heal up right after the funeral and save themselves all that pain, sadness and misery. Unfortunately your soul does not heal any faster than you body, that is, in its own time. You can't choose to have a cut finger heal and you can't choose to have a bruised soul heal. It will heal when it does. The problem I think is that we just don't heal up as fast as people around us want us to do it.

My experience is that I takes at least three years for you to "get over" losing the love of your life, your future disappearing in the blink of an eye and all having everything you counted on for nurturing and support vanish. It took me three years to get there a little bit at a time. Am I healed? I never will be totally but now I can cherish Barry's memory and our memories. You can't will that. It just comes in its time.

Feb 28, 2014
choice?
by: Anonymous--MI

I want to comment on the statement made to you about making a 'choice' to heal. This person may have been well meaning but the question was thoughtless. I have to fight hard to control my resentment of people who think they have all the wise answers when, in fact, they have not lost their spouse or child or brother, sister or parent. Their lives are unaltered and they can go on happily because they have not been thrown into the club of grieving people like us. My husband died 15 months ago and I have a broken heart that has not mended. I try to go on for my children and grandchildren but it is a struggle. My dear husband and I were high school sweethearts and were a couple and married a total of 47 amazing years. Where there was true love one cannot 'just get over it' or 'get back to living' just because one yr, two or 10 yrs have passed. We have all said this and I will say it again---until one has experienced the loss of a loved one we cannot know or understand how grief feels. May God give us strength to face each day with its sorrow and to deal with statements from thoughtless people.

Feb 28, 2014
Choice to not Forget
by: Judith in California

I wish you had used your name. I agree with Doreen and Lawrence on this and I was insulted to the idea that we choose to grieve. We are , with every waking moment, attempting to heal. Whoever asked you that question , if true, is an insensitive fool. There is no time limit on grief. We spent years with our mates and then we are supposed to just say okay I cried and let's get on with the next thing?! We will never completely heal and if you have lost someone you will know it is not a conscious choice that we grieve and that it will take years not weeks to learn to cope without our loves.

Feb 25, 2014
getting over it.
by: lawrence

Hi,
I understand everything you are saying but unfortunately not the way you said it.
The grief of losing a loved one just can’t be dismissed as simply “IT WILL PASS”
We know that, but the journey is so different for us all and we find our own individual ways of coping with our intense pain.
I lost a deeply cherish sweetheart and wife on Christmas Day 2012 after a blissful nearly seventy years together and I was in total agony as I kissed her goodbye on her deathbed, closed her eyes and thanked her for the love we shared.
Of course that agony has lessened but the pain of her passing will never leave me, nor would I want it to.
Yes I can laugh and as a musician I sing and play the organ to her every night, albeit tearfully at times just in case she can hear me, but my life will never be the same, I am completely lost without her, as I always knew I would be.
I agree with you on one thing, that those of us who were lucky enough to find true happiness should thank God for it, I do it every day.
Thank you for your contribution, all opinions are so welcome
Lawrence

Feb 25, 2014
Perfect Timing
by: Doreen UK

Wendy your post was perfect timing for me. I am in the same place as you. I thought I was healing well only to slip back from my 21months of having lost my husband to cancer. I find many thoughts intruding and I can't not feel them because if I shoved them down inside I would make matters worse. Just let those thoughts come. It doesn't mean you don't want to heal. Healing from grief is not a matter of choosing to heal. It is a natural process of healing. Many of us in the early days of raw grief expressed feeling as if we would be this way forever. We couldn't imagine change taking place at all. Taking one day at a time we realised we do change and heal from day to day. It doesn't mean if you cry and feel upset on any given day, that you are choosing not to heal. Healing happens to us all whether we make a choice. It is the normal process of time that will help us to move on. Don't rush. Have those memories. Let them pass. In time you will be able to move on. Like you say We haven't yet learned to live in our world without our husband/life partner. Your post really resonated with me as I am feeling what you are feeling and going through. Thank you. Perfect timing and expression.

Feb 24, 2014
Perfect timing
by: Wendy

Your words could not have come at a more perfect time for me. It has been over two years since I lost my husband suddenly. I do find myself making the effort to be part of the living, but I still feel stuck. I understand life is short....believe me I learned that the hard way. And I also understand that he wouldn't want me to be so sad all the time. But the truth is.....not a second of the day passes when I don't think about him. He occupies all my thoughts.

I realize I have a lot to be grateful for. For the short time we did have together, but I am still mourning the future we planned, and have not figured out a way to go it alone.

I go out with friends, I have fun. I have not cut myself off from the world, I just haven't figured out how to live in it without him yet.

Feb 24, 2014
Making a Choice to heal
by: Doreen UK

When someone asked you that question "Are you ready to choose?" and you felt insulted. You had a right to feel insulted and to say so. I think it is a stupid question for someone to ask of you. Of course we all want to heal from our loss. We don't make a conscious decision to be the way we are and this should have been respected by whoever asked you the question.
Grief is not something we CHOSE. Grief is not something we did to ourselves. Grief is something that happened to us and we are trying to deal with this as best as we can. Choosing to heal is not an option, when crushing pain is so unbearable. We can't NOT focus on the pain of grief because IT IS JUST THERE.
If we had a Choice we would Choose not to lose our husband/wife. I feel this question is loaded with ignorance. You are right. Healing is a slow process and every time that we the grievers show our grief we should not be held accountable by anyone for wishing to stay this way and doing nothing to help ourselves. God is our healer and it is to God we look for this healing. Many young people read these posts and reply and could become confused by your post as If they had to somehow do something for their healing. (By Choice). Many young people would not be mature enough to deal with this question.

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