mama will always love you

by Jay
(arizona)

It's been 8 months since I lost you. There is no place for me, because I didn't give birth to you.

I'm a foster mom. I don't get paid to love anyone; just to protect them, feed them, clothe them, care for them, laugh with them, cry with them; so my question is, define love.

He was four days old when I got him. So tiny, so broken.

His little bottom was so burned that the skin was peeling off his testicles. He had cried for so long that he couldn't cry anymore, he just clicked his little tongue when he was hungry.

That was our beginning.

Two and a half years later, a Judge ruled that he would be returned to his birth mom.

There was nothing I could do. I tried every way I could to keep him, but to no avail. He would go back and live in a world that he had no understanding of. We were the only family he knew, I was the only Mama he knew.

Many children have come and gone from my house, but nobody could believe what the system did to this child. He should have been severed from her at a year and a half, but oh no, the Judge just couldn't do the right thing for my little boy.

They took him from me eight months ago. I have four adult children and one adopted daughter age six, who lost her brother when I lost my son.

I found this site tonight because I've never felt such loss and such pain. I work, play, function. I just can't let anyone see what is really happening to me.

I think about him every day; is he clean, is he fed, is he hurt, is he warm. I don't want to think about him anymore, but I love him, my little boy.

Every night, before they took him from me, I would tell him that I would meet him in his dreams. I use to say, "What will I do in your dreams, HUG YOU?" He would giggle and say, "Yes." Then I would say, KISS YOU?" And he would say, "Yes." Then I would tell him that I wanted him to remember when we walked holding hands in Disneyland. He would giggle, and then I would tell him that I would always meet him there, in his dreams. Mama loved him, Mama would always love him.

I feel guilty to put myself with others who are grieving for their lost children, I didn't give birth to him.

I can still feel him cradled in my arms, his little head tucked under my chin. I'm singing his little song to him, and i'm rocking him back and forth.

I have no idea how to stop grieving for my son, I just pray that someday I will.

Just a little information to anyone who reads this, when you're like me, except for family, nobody puts their arms around you, nobody really cares.

Comments for mama will always love you

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Nov 30, 2011
loss
by: Anonymous

I'm so very sorry. You were a blessing to that child and I can only try to imagine how much this hurts you. I lost my 23 year old son to leukemia 15 months ago. I'm sure your pain is as real as mine. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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