I'm sitting on the edge of my bed as I have been most days since I recieved THE call. When I answered my phone the morning of august 26th 2012 I was a little annoyed because I thought by seeing the area code of the number that once again my beautiful, wonderful,bipolar daughter had once again lost her phone and I was really going to let her have it. We were paying the bill and i was tired of buying new phones just for her to lose. We have had a hard year together me spending much of my time with her where she lived and not at home. I was starting to resent it. There was a man on the other line asking me if I was the mother of my 30 year old child, I asked who he was and he said he was SOMEONE I cant recall his name but he was from the medical examiners office. All i remember is screaming he had to have the wrong person! NOT MY DAUGHTER! I screamed my young stepson awake and he took the phone. Then my husband, family, friends started coming to me and I realised I was in the floor begging them to go and get her for me just bring her home she was supposed to be coming back home that week she had been home the week before not a great visit and her last words to me were dont worry mama I got this. I was worried but Ibelieved her or I made myself believe her. I was crying when she left. My child had been in recovery for IV drug use for 5 years had went back to school, married had her 2nd child and was now going through a divorce and custody battle.Her childhood was traumatized and I blame myself for her troubles and tried to make her adult life easier for her at times bringing us very close. My first husband and my 4 childrens father died young of drugs a week before christmas I was 8 mon pregnant with our 4th child at the time. I was only 22 at the time. I made alot of mmistakes!!! My daughter died with a needle in her arm leaving 2 beautiful children behind. I came across this site today and now I am writing this. I dont know why or if Im looking for help that I dont deserve.I just want my daughter back!!!!!! I dont want to cry or grieve I JUST WANT ANOTHER CHANCE to make it better Mamas are supposed to make it better but I never could. I tried in the only ways I knew how but it was never enough I couldnt get it right. I dont even know the people my daughter chose to be with her final night I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS ON PURPOSE the death certificate says it was an accident. WAS IT? Will I ever know? I saw the signs was I too tired to do it again? DID I LET HER GO KNOWING SHE WAS IN A CRISIS? I go to her grave and I look at the cold stone standing there and wont let myself believe shes there. I look at her pictures all the time. I'm so so tired. I take the pills the dr has me on and wonder should I stop at one pill. Mama loves you princess I always have I hope you know that I HOPE YOU KNEW THAT IN YOUR LAST THOUGHT.

Comments for MAMA

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Feb 13, 2013
Your daughter
by: Kate

Death is the hardest thing ever! I lost my son 39,in November.
It is so emotional ! We can't control grown children no matter how we want to. They do things we don't like and sometimes it ends up like this iin horror for us.. ...the loss of a child is huge. It will never be the same without them in our world. Somehow we must endure. We go through all kinds of emotions.God be with us all.

Feb 11, 2013
so many comments resonate
by: Anonymous

Dear mama,
I ache with you.....many similarities to your story which I'll share tomo when I have my computer. Your princess knows you loved her and did not know she was dying....of this I'm sure after talking to many medical experts..
Of course it was an accident...these kids take the same dose they have previously, not realizing it's a stronger mixture..or that they can't take the same dose after a break...
She was in pain (real and physical) because her body's natural pain killers didn't work....drugs do that.
Think of honoring your beautiful daughter w some cause after you begin to heal.
Please know I feel your pain, loss and care...

Nov 29, 2012
Rip my bro Roy Anthony Gonzales aka Bub
by: Jennifer

I feel ur pain my bro just passed away a couple of months ago and I still can't belive it :( he died in his sleep at my moms house he was only thirty years old . His bday just passed we celebrated at the cemetery he turned 31 on nov 21, it was the hardest day 4 us . It says it was accidental also but we know someone put something in his drink the cops didn't do anything :( he did his own stuff once In a while and never died but that day he was with a girl he just met and she wanted 2 steal from him . So she put pills on his beer he had already did his own drugs so I guess it was 2 much 4 his system and he feel asleep and died :( she stayed there hours at my moms and didn't tell anyone he was dead cause she new what she did . I miss him so much she took him away from us we were a close family everybody is different now I tell everybody all we can do is pray and wait tell we reunite in heaven . It is going 2 take a long time 2 heal b strong 4 ur family that u have on earth and just pray ok there r a lot of us out here that feel ur pain in ur heart :( I get on this site and it really helps also .

Nov 22, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Brokenhearted Mama. I am sorry for your loss of your daughter. Of course you deserve help and support on this site. You need to be surrounded by loving and supportive people who will love you through this pain of loss. You have lost an Adult Child. Of course you want her back. Most mothers wish they could have a second chance to do things differently. But you know what? We would probably do things the same way. Because we don't know any better, otherwise we would do better. We are all victims of our upbringing. We try to do our best. But we don't know what life is going to throw at us and what struggles we will have in life that alters our way of life into the opposite way we want to go and how to live with these struggles.
Don't blame yourself for your daughter's traumatic upbringing. You also were a victim of loss. Your young husband died young and left you a young widow with 4 children. YOU DID YOUR BEST. We all make choices in life. Your husband chose a destructive way of living with drugs that was a role model for your daughter. She just chose this lifestyle as a way of coping with her internal struggle. This is what killed her. NOT YOU. You didn't force her into this lifestyle. A mother will suffer with her children from the cradle to the grave. As our children become Adults we have to let them go onto living their own lives. We cannot reparent our children when they are adults. All we can do is PRAY FOR THEM. I have to do this. As parents we will always worry about the many mistakes we made. This is human. But we cannot go through life always punishing ourselves for all our mistakes. We live in a fallen world of SIN. This is why we will all suffer in life till the day we die. But with God in our life and on our side it is a whole lot better a journey. We have to live with HOPE otherwise we all might as well give up and die. You will have to FORGIVE YOURSELF for all your mistakes in life. We all have to do this. You are not an isolated case that is a FAILURE. You are not a FAILURE. You are a successful loving mother who did her best for her children in the most difficult of circumstances. The only mistake was not having God in your boat with you. Helping and guiding you each day. It is not too late. Find a grief counsellor to support you in your pain of losing a child. Find a church for supportive loving people to surround you whilst you grieve your loss. I feel the same way. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK. He died of cancer 6 months ago. I want him back as my heart is breaking. You need a lot of tender loving care to nurse you back to life. You will grieve for a long time. You will recover. My sister felt the same way when her son threw himself in front of an express train. She was mad with grief and wanted her son back. She had no choice but to have a grief counsellor come to her home.

Nov 22, 2012
Dear Mama
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. You poured out your soul and the responses you received are right on. I agree with them. It is hard not to feel guilty, but guilt is its own enemy and it will take you down further. It is enough to grieve your loss which is a very hard job, the hardest ever according to my husband. So take your time. Rest. Cry buckets of tears. God says He saves them all. He, most of all, listens to our pain and cries with us. Feel His arms of comfort reaching around you and pressing you close to His heart. Stay there and be comforted. He will never leave; it is His promise and that is more than most folks do after loss. The holidays are tough. Just coast through them. Just take one day at a time. I didn't think time would pass, but it does. Blessings, my friend.

Nov 21, 2012
Dear Mama
by: Anonymous

She knew Mama, she knew you loved her as only a mother could, you were with her when she entered this world, and you were with her when she left it. Your pain hurts my mother died last year, and I understand the intense desire to want your loved one back in your everyday life. The only "advice" I can give you is to HOLD ON tight right now and ride the rollercoaster. Don't give up yet. If you need to use every ounce of your being to simply survive each day, do it without guilt. You have had the worst loss there is, and it is your right to do whatever you need to in order to heal. Please don't allow your guilt to make you feel that you deserve to suffer the rest of your life. Please open your heart and mind to experiencing your grief and working through it. The truth is you will never be the same again, the world will never feel the same as it did before you lost your daughter. I know that right now it seems nothing in life matters. But I believe that great loss can lay the groundwork for great changes. When you begin to heal (and you will), perhaps you can channel the love you have for your daughter into helping others in similar situations. She is a part of you. Let her live in your heart. A mother's heart is the best place in the world.

Nov 21, 2012
The Tangled Web
by: Anonymous

I think sometimes the enemy just gets us so tangled in his web that only God can deliver us . . . even if that means bringing us home to Him. In your daughter's case, it doesn't sound like she intended to take her own life only that she intended to use drugs. God knew the struggles that would have been ahead for her in this world, how she would have tried to cope with those struggles, and how that would have affected those around her. He has delivered her from those dark places. He has brought her into the light to feel His love. No more pain, no more sorrow. I know it is so hard on us who are left behind. I also know that it is important for us to rise above our circumstances, to not get tangled in that same web. Maybe prayer is the only pill you really need right now. God bless!

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