Mama's Lonely Silly Goose

by Angela Clements
(Birmingham, AL, US)

The title is how I feel ALL the time. I feel at a lose of words whenever I try to write or talk about her. I want to write her story and progress it into my story. Basically, write her life story and then gradually start telling my story within her story. I can't really explain that right now very well.

My mom died July 3, 2009. She committed suicide in exactly the way that she said she would. My uncle committed suicide by shooting himself this past March. I really think that his death convinced her that she could go through with her suicide. My uncle shot himself outside of his house in his truck and my mom said that she would go to a hotel and commit suicide so that her loved ones would not be the one to find her.

So, that's what she did. I tried. She told me a few weeks before that she was going to commit suicide "no matter what" and I tried to tell her that life could be more fulfilling. I thought, or perhaps just hoped, that I had gotten through to her. I feel very to blame. I feel horrible. Nothing helps at all. This is the worst situation ever and nothing could ever make me feel worse. I just want time to pass and the grief to be over.

My mom has been attempting suicide since I was 8. I am 22 now. It was a very hard 14 years. She constantly would overdose and tell me. I was the one that "saved" her so many times. Now, I wonder why this situation did not end up as the other times. She was manic depressive and had fibromyalgia, so she was just always in pain and depressed. I feel like I failed on my most important job in life.

There is so much more, but I am having a very hard time expressing myself.

I had a dream about her last night. We cried together and hugged each other. I have a feeling that she said she was sorry and that she wishes that she could have been helped just for my sake. I am very spiritual, especially about dreams. I know that she is watching over me and wants me to be happy. I will never give up...for her.

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