Mark Carmichael 1958-2012

by John Pitts
(Carmel, Indiana USA)

It's been almost 3 months baby. I'm ready for this nightmare to end. I miss you so so much. Baby, when I found you in our garage I went into shock as I called 911 and tried to do CPR and I haven't come out of it yet. Will we be together again someday.??? Are you sending me messages??? I have your ashes at my bedside. What was your last hour like, did you have chest pain or just collapse. .??What was the last thing on your mind.??? How long we're you having known need for nitro?? Didn't you tell anyone??? You didn't tell me because I would've over reacted to the stress of it???
Baby, I am in pain that I won't ever come out of..... My life is over as I knew it, but I will go on, because I have no choice now. Thank You Baby Smoogums, for 22 bueatiful years. BaYbe, the Puppy misses you too.

I will Always Love You,

Comments for Mark Carmichael 1958-2012

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Feb 23, 2015
Missing you today hard!!!
by: John Pitts

I loved it when we would wake up on our birthday's together and just be there for eachother. It's coming up on 3 years now. I miss you more and more everyday.

May 03, 2013
One year out
by: John

I lost the most amazing human being, Mark, 1 year ago yesterday, it was on 5/2/12. I thought that I would be fine continuing to just deal with it best I could on this terrible anniversary. It has been incredibly hard at the very best. I've realized today that pain will never get better, nor will it ever change. I struggle each day knowing that what I have left are memories only. I've pained heavily for him, for myself, and for various other people in his family who I know struggle with his loss too, I'm 46 now, and he would be 54 now. His death, at least two lives ruined, his, and mine. I have his ashes next to my bed and talk to him nightly and often throughout the day if I'm home from work. I have his pictures and things all around me. Sure, I can laugh and have fun with my peers at work. But, it's not the same. I'm dying on the inside, slowly and terribly. I take citalopram and Xanax and have since 3 yrs before he died. That's possibly the only thing that's carried me this far. I'm trying to revisit my relationship with God to help. I'm taking care of my mom now as she has become more and more failing in health. This keeps me going too. How am I supposed to be happy about much.??? The only person I've ever truly loved is gone. Am I supposed to want to make more memories with someone else? Because, I really don't want to, I just want Mark back.

Mar 31, 2013
Mark on Easter
by: John

Last Easter 2012 was our last Holiday together. I miss you boo boo.

Love you, John

Dec 12, 2012
My Baby
by: John

It's been 7 months plus 9 days since I lost Mark. I have no idea in the world how to even want to share the holidays with even family. I can laugh a little while I'm at work, read, and function normally, but I'm crying my soul out on the inside. I haven't found a normalcy of any kind yet. I'm going through motions daily, but due to the antidepressants, I am emotionless. Unless, I'm thinking of my baby. I'm trying to think positive and give it the best I can, but I always reach a point of break down daily. I'm alone usually, late at night. Or sitting at my desk at work doing nightly paperwork, where I was when I came to the realization that he not answering his phone wasn't because he was too busy, yet something must be wrong. I just miss him so so so much. I hope he really can communicate with me and let me know he really is ok on the other side sometime soon. God has a Grand Plan for all of us, I believe now, this is God's plan, I just don't know how to proceed without my baby.

Oct 24, 2012
by: John

I sometimes can't handle my emotions.... I'm not treatingy family very well, and I'm becoming selfish. This isn't the person you left behind on May 2. I'm praying to God for more strength amongst my anger and selfishness. They don't seem to understand anymore, and perhaps they shouldn't. I'm thinking the niceness I've always seemed to have came from being happy and secure with you. If I could only choose and be happy, that's where I'm at right now. I miss my Mark more than words could ever ever describe.

Sep 25, 2012
5 months now
by: John

I miss you terribly. Show me a sign. You known I'm waiting.

Aug 09, 2012
I understand
by: A grieving friend

Your pain is shared and this grieving world of pain is very difficult. My husband, also born in 1958 passed may 26th after battling metastatic melanoma cancer. He was very brave and so my mission is to find that courage to move on. But it's doubt. We have 2 lovely young daughters and family however the journey is ours alone to travel. I'm writing you to share that I am glad you shared your feelings. All the sayings, advice, strategies in our heads just take a long time to reach our hearts- the longest road is between our head and our hearts. But I trust one day we will get there...

Jul 24, 2012
You can not contain Love
by: Nancy

John, I am not a counselor, but I would like to be a friend. It sounds like Mark has left his love prints all over you. To say that you are going though an identity crisis, most of us who have lost a loved one, can agree with you on that one. When someone we care about leaves us, our lives become unbalanced. We for a period of time just don't no what to do. All the things that seemed important to us - all of a sudden - just do not amount to anything. You have Mark's memories to share with those around you - your friends, your family, your community. He may have physically left you, but as you acknowledged, he is reaching out to you, just to let you know that he is still there. You are going to hear songs, that will remind you of him, you will smell his favorite scents in the most weirdest places and even your puppy is going to do something to remind you about Mark. Do not be afraid, just smile and thank God...for giving you Mark for the period of time... that you have been able to share..perfect love casts out all fear., know that Mark and the God of your understanding will be there to wipe away those tears...and know that in our pain...most of us suffer at night time...why the mystery is still not known..but joy comes in the morning...when we get to move out of our darkness. and into the light...and that maybe why Mark is coming around to let you know there is light on the other side so you don't have to be afraid...know this Mark is not in pain..and he would want you to know just how much he wants you to live your life do what ever you need to be free...from the bondage of guilt...he went to the garage for a reason only known to him and when the season of time comes when you and him are united you can ask him why...he went there...until then be still and know that he is okay ...and he wants you to be okay...and he wants you to keep reaching out to people who want to help you through this period of transition.....Nancy

Jul 23, 2012
Your comment Nancy
by: John Pitts

Nancy thank you for your compassionate reply. Guess I'm all on my own now. Still, I keep feeling the unreality of his ever coming in the door again. I can definitely feel moments when I feel like he is giving me advice or nearby. I just have been figuring out now that I am having an identity crisis now that he is gone. I'm trying to contain it, but I definitely feel abnormal about myself. My pain lately is the pain for him and what he went through to pass in our garage while I was at work. It's all so overwhelming. Thank you, and please tell me more about you. John Pitts Carmel Indiana.

Jul 21, 2012
John it sound like you lost the love of your life
by: Nancy

To love some one and have to move on is difficult but it sounds like you have a good perspective and you know that you will be reunited with Mark someday and that is so unique. Some people have such a hard time letting go of their loved ones that it seems to cripple them but when I read your story it sounds like you loved Mark with an unconditional love and you would rather love him and let him go than let him be in pain. I am glad to hear that you have decided to keep his ashes close to you and that you have a little puppy that you get to cuddle with. I would not be surprised to hear that Mark is trying to make contact with you as the mysteries of the spiritual world are so unknown to us. Peace be with you. Nancy

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