Mark. Carmichael

by John Pitts
(carmel, Indiana, USA)

I found my partner of 22 years in the garage after work 13 weeks 1 day and 9 hours ago. We are a male couple. I've written to him in the Theirspace section. I miss him so so much. It was MAY 02, 2012. The autopsy showed extreme cardiac blockages, he had endured two heart attacks prior. The cardiology team said that he sustained minimal damage. He was a doer and acheiver. One would never have known that his arteries were blocking up again. His first heart attack was in oct 06 and his second hear attack was in nov 07. He had a stent placed both times. It was in the LAD both times or also known as the widow maker. He was,just 53 years old when he died. He took real good care of me, and I, of him. He was very recently in the hospital for a diverticulitis problem, on march 28. While in the hospital he got caught smoking in the bathroom. He never smoked again. It had an enormous impact on him, and humbled him. He came home on a pic line. He had an intestinal abscess that was taking its own sweet time to clear up. He was calling the morning of his passing as I was preparing for work, to schedule his third cat scan to see if his intestinal abscess had finally cleared, because he didn't have any more bowel pain. When I came home from work and found him, he was in the garage and still had his antbiotic hooked up to his pic line.
There is no other heart disease known of in his family. The coroner stated that his diverticulitis was almost entirely completely cleared up, Mark would have been thrilled. The fire department found his nitro bottle either close to him or in his pocket. It had only five tablets left in it. We would refresh it every six months. He never used it. He must have been using it recently and didn't say anything....I'm so upset that I didn't know or realize and he didn't say that he had been using it. I always wanted him to carry it with him to work, but he never would. It sat otop a table between his spot on the couch and mine in a chair where we would meet up nightly for the news.
When we would ride bikes I would struggle to keep up with him. We didn't ride regularly.
For 22 years whenever I had a car repair it was done, by his own intelligent car repairing self. Not only cars, home repair and remodeling. In the past ten years we have owned 5 homes that we've updated, repaired, remodeled, etc. bought fixed up, sold, and moved onward to another. It is his intellect that carried us on, and on. We both did this while continuing to work full time jobs. Mark was a doer. He was a strong man. He lived the life he wanted too.
We didn't publicly display affection. However, having lived under the same roof for 22 years we knew people knew about us. We didn't mind, it was a don't ask don't tell sort of union. With his passing it became apparent that his family and mine didnt care about what kind of relationship we had. They've all been genuinely interested in my well being. I am blessed for this for certain.
I've been able to continue making mortgage payments to keep our house although my name was not on the mortgage note. My credit worthiness was not good enough to keep our mtg payment lower. Because Mark had two previous heart attacks, the home mtg life insurance was unaffordable. I did however possess a quit claim deed so my name is on the deed, which is my saving grace. So, I still have our home, although it is more home than I need. If I can show six months of on time payments to the mortgage company, I can, then assume the mortgage note. So far, no problem.....I am very lucky.

I miss my baby. I miss him so much. I wonder if he has passed into nothingness, or he can see and hear me...... I have faith, but it's more complicated than that...what is really going on here...

Comments for Mark. Carmichael

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Aug 14, 2012
The tears
by: John Pitts

Its been a really hard couple of days, came here for comfort, dunno what I'm looking for, want to cry out loud, but can't because I am so weak from loosing my partner.

Aug 08, 2012
Your Nicolas My Mark
by: John Pitts

Unbeleivable how much your story has touched me today. This is the most touched I've been since Mark passed away.
The parts where he told you "it's so nice" bring me additional comfort. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I am deeply touched.
You hit the nail on the head in several ways. Is there anyway we can keep in touch somehow other than on here. I don't know if it is permitted or not. I'd like to see pictures of you two, and in addition I'd like to share Mark's with you. I don't know how to do that, and I don't know how to do that on this site. You may not even want too.
What do I do with his car? I don't want to let it go. What about his walk in closet full of his things? I'm just not sure.
I sure hope you are right. I hope he is here with me. Your words bring me added sense of security.
If they will print my email address is, but I dunno if they will. I work today and most weekdays 3 to 10pm and on weekends 11 to 10 pm. If you will please contact me, and I promise to not overdue it. I am just so changed from how I've been reading your message in my Mark's area. I want to know all about you guys, and I'll be happy to share all about us.
Bye for now, and regardless of any future corespondance, thank you so much. John

Aug 08, 2012
He's still with me
by: Luke

Sorry for your loss.
I too lost my partner of 20 years suddenly to cancer 10 months ago.
I used to also wonder how someone could be so full of life and energy and become nothing.
My partner and I talked right up until the moment he stopped breathing. I had no idea at the time he was going to pass and he didn't either.
While I was talking he suddenly said "OH I feel a bit strange". I asked him if he was in any pain and he said no, none at all. Which was strange considering he had had no pain killers for quite a few hours. I asked if he wanted me to call the doctor and he said no, don't.
I held his hand and he just looked around the room and said "it's so nice". I said what is? and he said again "it's so nice". He squeezed my hand for about an hour as he slipped unconcious and was gone.
The first 6 months were absolutely unbearable, but I continued on with my work, desperately kept to the same routine as much as possible that we used to have. Spent many weeks howling in our house and wished often that I was dead.
But now 10 months on I feel as though he is guiding me. Everything seems to continually fall into place for me. I make decisions without thinking. I've been able to keep on in our house and now often feel like I've actually been with him even without thinking about him. Weird? sort of. Not sure how to put it into words.
It's sort of like I'm having a relationship with him still just not physical. Now it's spiritual.
I'm certain now he didn't just become nothing. He's around, guiding me still like he always did.
I miss him so much, but I know he's there. And sometimes I'm sure I can feel him even laughing. Hard to explain. Sometimes even phrases he used to use will come out of my mouth and I stop and think, that was Nicholas not me.
Stay strong they're still with us.

Aug 05, 2012
from we to me. The adjustment...
by: Hope


I am so sorry for your loss. I know that reminders are all around you as you live in the house that you both shared. I too am in the house that I shared with Paul and at first it was excruciating. I have since painted and changed a few things to make it "My house" as I try to accept this New life. It is very hard to go from we to me.

I am just over 2 1/2 years in trying for the better part of a year to Live Life to the fullest, it is only now that I begin to feel a sense of joy and contentment that I have not really felt since his death.

I DO NOT feel that the ones that we love go into a nothingness. I have had too many signs that he is still here from time to time looking after me proud of how far I have come.

Please read Hello from heaven and look up the website after death communication research for ADC stories.

Grief is not something that you can control or "get Over" our loss will always be with us but the horrible stabbing grief lessens as we get to know ourselves and our capabilities. As we adjust to our oneness they continue to look over us and smile. Love is never lost grief is love with no where to go.

My best to you on this roller coaster ride called grieving.

Aug 03, 2012
This is awful
by: John Pitts

This is awful........ Ralph, thank you for your heart, and you have mine as well. This is so so hard especially when I have time to think at all about anything.. I never go ones Edmond without my baby on the forefront of all my thoughts. And for now, I think that is acceptable, or at least, it's how it is anyway.

Aug 03, 2012
So very sorry
by: Ralph

Dear John,

I'm going through the same grief cycles. I also lost my partner of 22 years this past January, from cardiac arrest.

I completely relate to what you're feeling. Wondering about nothingness, or if they're watching. I talk to him every day. I wish I could give you meaningful advice on how to cope, but I haven't any answers myself. All I can tell you is that you're not alone. There are many of us.

My heart, what's left of it, goes out to you.

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