by Annette

My husband of 24 years died very suddenly Dec. 12, 2010. I know it's a new year, but time has stopped for me. I don't want it to continue because every second that ticks takes me farther and farther away from the time he was last here with me. I know I have to keep going for our two teenage sons, but I just want to curl up and never open my eyes again. If he can't be with me then I want to be with him.

We were partners in every thing. We agreed on all the important things in life. We were only apart a few times in the 30 years I knew him. I met him when I was 17 -- he was literally the first boy I met in college! I don't remember what life is like without him. I can't even imagine it. I don't want to. I feel like half a person. He loved me so completely and unconditionally.

My chest hurts with emptiness and my eyes are always blurry with tears and sleeplessness. How will I ever get through the grocery store or the library without crying? When I run into friends, their reaction of shock and sorrow makes me feel it all over again. I want friends but I don't want to tell them. People offer to help, but I don't know what to ask for. No one can do anything to make it better.

I've even had people tell me that I'll meet someone, someday! That's the most horrible thing to listen to. I still feel married. I'm still keeping my end of the bargain. Just because he had to die, doesn't mean I can stop loving him just like that. No one could ever be as close to me and know as much about me as him. I can never let someone in my life like that again. I wouldn't even know how.

Regrets, love, loneliness, anger, confusion and emptiness. Those pretty much fill the days and nights now. In between I try to squeeze in the things I have to do. Paperwork, phone calls, laundry, dishes, cooking. I feel like a robot doing things with no feeling. I used to do those things thinking about him and how he liked this meal or would be happy his favorite shirt was clean. Chores meant making him comfortable and happy. Now they feel meaningless.

Our boys are wonderful and, of course, I love them. But they are not a husband. I don't want them to feel responsible for me in any way. I want them to move forward with their lives so I try to keep my composure in front of them as much as I can. They are doing well and I'm very glad. They were a responsibility we took seriously and worked at together. Now it's all up to me.

I miss him so badly. I need him so much and I love him dearly and always will. How can this have happened?

Comments for Mark

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Jan 09, 2011
I feel your sadness
by: Kim

I can so relate to your sadness. I lost my precious husband of 22 years on August 24, 2010 from esophageal cancer. Life and the holidays were just so hard. I can't stand being a single parent and my six year old is afraid that I am going to die too and wonders who would take care of him. It just breaks my heart. People are telling me I am angry and no fun to be around. Well they are probably right but I am doing the best I can at this point.

My closest brother and I aren't even speaking because he told me it was time to start being positive and get over this grief which I just don't feel strong enough yet. People say I will laugh and enjoy life again but at this point it takes all my energy just to take care of the children. Thanks for listening, reading your entry makes me feel less crazy.

Jan 06, 2011
I share your loss
by: Cyndi Torres

The hardest thing I have had to do is go on without my spouse. He passed on 12/23/2010. I relate with you just existing. I am back at work and still I anticipate his phone call at the allotted times. People have said to me that it gets easier. I don't know how it can at this point in time. I miss him everyday and the hardest for me is at night. The silence is what makes it hurt all the more. I just wanted you to know that I too share in your loss and I am starting my own journey on being alone. I am so afraid because I have lost a very important part of my life. I will keep you in my prayers. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that I will make him proud.

Jan 06, 2011
My heart breaks for you...
by: Cindy


I know everything you are saying. I feel the same way... it is like your life has just stopped. You have all emotions and it just keeps going. I lost my husband one and half months ago so mine is so fresh too. My heart breaks everyday for Rusty. He was my life and I just don't know this life without him. We would have been married 35 years next month. He was the most wonderful man and I loved him with all my heart.

Just know we are all here, not because we want to, but we are here because we all have experienced the same thing... our soulmates have been taken away. I have a hard time understanding why God took him away because we had such a wonderful marriage and he spoiled me so much.

My prayers are with you and pray we all can find some peace. I know this is so difficult.

Jan 05, 2011
my prayers are with you
by: Lyn Ann

Dear Annette - I lost my husband Jim of 23 years on November 20/2010. We have a 17 year old son, Ben. Ben and I have become very close through shared grief - he is doing better than I am but is very worried about me (as I'm sure your boys are about you).

The new closeness with my son does not replace Jim, of course, but at least Ben understands the grief - he is feeling it too. So sometimes when I'm feeling down we will give one another a big long hug - it is the closest thing to hugging Jim again.

I will add you in my prayers. Lyn Ann

Jan 05, 2011
I feel your pain its HORRIFIC
by: Chris

Your story has hit me so hard; my husband Mark passed away suddenly on Dec. 11, 2010 and I feel the same way. It hurts so much that sometimes I cant even breathe, we have three children 12,10 and 8 years old and at this point I feel like I just can't get into that mommy mode anymore.

My husband was my soul mate and we did everything together the idea of spending the rest of my life without him makes me sick. I loved him with my whole heart and soul and I am not sure if things will ever get better. I just want to be with him and that's all.

People mean well but they say the stupidest things "you'll be ok", "You'll love again" , "remember the good times".

I am with you, Mark was my good times and without him I feel like half a soul. i am 38 and Mark was 45 and it is not suppose to happen this way. Just to let you know I feel your horrific pain and emptiness and I am not sure if it could ever get better. when you are lucky to have our kind of love i think there is no going on. I can barely get myself out of bed.

Jan 05, 2011
by: jules

I have read all the contributions on this post, and totally relate to each and every one - but Pat says it best when she wrote "we have to learn to live a different life now" - and that is so true, we will never forget or not love our lost one, but we can still live a life.

My husband has been gone since November 2009, and I miss him every day. I have made a new life for myself, and I am mostly happy, but there is always an underlying sadness - I just returned for Christmas in my home state with my son, and so many times I saw things that had changed, and started to turn and tell John, but then I would realise he wasn't there. This is my third visit "home" (I own a house there), but this is the trip that convinced me that my new place is home now - this is where I want to be.

This is where I can and am making my own life - with new friends and interests - I still have my old friends "down there", but this is where I feel comfortable and secure. Sure I have down days, but thats when I come on this site and share my feelings and hopefully help others.

one step - one breath
take care

Jan 05, 2011
by: Judy


Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved Mark. I lost my Barry in November 2009. Now slightly a year later am I beginning to function in a more normal fashion, but I still have periods of grief and sadness. Don't expect to feel good yet, it's way too soon. You have a grievous wound to heal.

Come back and talk to us, you can say anything here and know your audience understands completely. Time moves forward for those not in grief and stands still for us whose lives have been changed in ways we can barely comprehend.

Grief is like a roller coaster ride. Hang on and let it take you where it will and make no apologies. Ignore those people who give you unwanted advice. They just don't get it. But we do, so come back often.

Jan 05, 2011
One breath one step at a time...

For now, just go through the motions. Do not expect yourself to do more than that. Come here often and talk to us when you need to. Read some of our sorrows so that you know that this is a safe place to be and express your feelings.

Some of the people are in new grief and some of us are still hurting after a year. But just take it moment by moment that is all that you are capable of at this time. You will hear one breath one step at a time often. It is the motto for survival.

Jan 05, 2011
by: Colleen

I am so sorry about the loss of Mark. I lost my Bruce on the 16 November 2010 he was 48. I know the pain is unbearable but please do not hide your feelings, express them. If I need to scream and shout and I do not want my Teenage daughter to hear I go and sit in my car with the doors closed and let rip. I have tried to do this on my own but after having a meltdown at work I have decided to go for counselling; maybe you and your boys should consider going.

Try and ignore all the silly comments people are going to say eg: you will meet someone else. Or like my sister said to me Bruce was not the most important person in the family so start to be happy. (anyone want to swop families with me)

Remember we are all here for you there is nothing you can say here that will be judged. We are all wearing the same badge that we do not want.

Jan 05, 2011
by: Donna

Annette, please know that I am so sorry for your loss. The love of my life, Bryan passed away July 23rd. Bryan and I were also partners in everything for 26 yrs., we didn't make any decisions without consulting the other, except for birthday and chrismas presents.

I know how you feel, I am lost without him, he was the best half of me. Without him I don't feel complete, I feel lost. My girls are 20 and 21 and I couldn't do this without them. Our children are stronger than we give them credit for. Please let them help you through this, the hardest thing that you will ever have to deal with. They still have their own lives but are there for me when I need them most. Everyone else goes on with their lives but ours has stopped, at least for now.

I can not imagine my life with anyone else. I will go through the rest of my life without Bryan by my side physically but he will always be there for me spiritually. Believe me if it wasn't for this site I don't know where I would be. Come back as often as necessary, post or just read, it helps. one step one breath

Jan 05, 2011
Going through the motions
by: Ms Mack


I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean when you mentioned doing simple chores around the house, always with intentions to make him happy out of pure love. I lost the love of my life on July 23, 2010 at only 44. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I still do things like that with him in mind. He appreciated everything I did and the more "thank you" I'd hear, the more I wanted to do. Now I'm empty, lost and still confused over his death.

Just know you are not alone here and all of us are listening. We feel your pain and by reading and writing on this site, you will find some comfort. I believe they are still with us in a spiritual sense. All you can do for now is take it slow, pray for strength and live your life in the shadow of his love. One breath, one prayers and best to you.

Ms Mack

Jan 05, 2011
I'm There Too
by: Pat J

My wonderful husband Joe just passed away on December 3, 2010. I relive that day over and over again and it's usually the last thing I think of as I fall into an unpeaceful sleep. I also have two children who are young adults with small children. They have returned to their families and jobs and life goes on.....for them. For me life has come to an abrupt end. I sit and cry and think about all the things I have lost in my life. I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself but the pain is unbearable. I think I'm entitled.

We have to learn to live our lives in a different way. It's almost like learning to walk all over again. Everything I did in my life involved my husband. We were together for 37 years. I don't know how to live without him. I too don't want to burden my children with my pain. I said on this very post a few weeks ago that family and friends are supportive but they aren't my husband. The thought of moving on and ever sharing my life with someone else is something I know in my heart I just can't do. Don't be afraid to ask for help. So many people offer to help but never do. If someone says, "If there is anything I can help you with just let me know", ask specifically what they would be able and willing to do for you. I don't like asking anyone for help but you may need to.

I've found in the past 4 1/2 weeks that this web site is a God send. Writing your thoughts really helps. You will get a lot of kind and caring responses from people who are going through the same thing. You need to find the support of other young widows in your area. They are the ones who understand the depth of your pain. No one else understands. You need your time alone to grieve but you need support of those who have been through it. I feel like I haven't made much progress in the past 30 days but I'm trying. It isn't easy but we must go on. Wishing you some happiness (even just a little) in your day.

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