My husband of 24 years died very suddenly Dec. 12, 2010. I know it's a new year, but time has stopped for me. I don't want it to continue because every second that ticks takes me farther and farther away from the time he was last here with me. I know I have to keep going for our two teenage sons, but I just want to curl up and never open my eyes again. If he can't be with me then I want to be with him.
We were partners in every thing. We agreed on all the important things in life. We were only apart a few times in the 30 years I knew him. I met him when I was 17 -- he was literally the first boy I met in college! I don't remember what life is like without him. I can't even imagine it. I don't want to. I feel like half a person. He loved me so completely and unconditionally.
My chest hurts with emptiness and my eyes are always blurry with tears and sleeplessness. How will I ever get through the grocery store or the library without crying? When I run into friends, their reaction of shock and sorrow makes me feel it all over again. I want friends but I don't want to tell them. People offer to help, but I don't know what to ask for. No one can do anything to make it better.
I've even had people tell me that I'll meet someone, someday! That's the most horrible thing to listen to. I still feel married. I'm still keeping my end of the bargain. Just because he had to die, doesn't mean I can stop loving him just like that. No one could ever be as close to me and know as much about me as him. I can never let someone in my life like that again. I wouldn't even know how.
Regrets, love, loneliness, anger, confusion and emptiness. Those pretty much fill the days and nights now. In between I try to squeeze in the things I have to do. Paperwork, phone calls, laundry, dishes, cooking. I feel like a robot doing things with no feeling. I used to do those things thinking about him and how he liked this meal or would be happy his favorite shirt was clean. Chores meant making him comfortable and happy. Now they feel meaningless.
Our boys are wonderful and, of course, I love them. But they are not a husband. I don't want them to feel responsible for me in any way. I want them to move forward with their lives so I try to keep my composure in front of them as much as I can. They are doing well and I'm very glad. They were a responsibility we took seriously and worked at together. Now it's all up to me.
I miss him so badly. I need him so much and I love him dearly and always will. How can this have happened?