Married for eleven years- who was he

by Debbie

Its really important to me I don't downplay my own faults.
I am 51 and B us 41. We were married 11 years and are currently going through a divorce. I am suing him for starting a relationship with another woman during our marriage but he had put in his petition stating I was irresponsible and careless with money which had led to him using his savings to bail me out. I have to be blunt and say I was.
He had decided to leave about three months before he did and took us to counselling but didn't tell either her or I he was having an affair! That came out one night when I dropped something on his pc and up came a pic of a half naked friend of mine. He broke down and admitted everything- they had not had sex but were intimate and loved each other. She lives in the USA, has 5 kids and is on her second marriage. He said he broke it off that night but I couldn't forget it because he had had me choose her presents and her mine- and xix up a holiday to London with a lot of free things- shows etc when all the time they were emailing behind my back and she was telling me I was 'like a sister to her'. After that- every argument we had where I raised this was 'ah- its your trump card'.
He started sleeping in the spare room, I searched his office and found porn on memory sticks- some of it downloaded over our wedding pictures.
I hadn't worked for 2.5 years after a bad car accident and yes, I had not been thrifty. He checked our drawdown to see what money we had paid off on the house and was furious to find it was £16k less capital than he thought. Accused me of stealing, being lazy, constantly depressed and a useless wife in bed. 'You only dressed up for me twice in 11 years' And of forcing him through the adoption process when he didn't want children.
All our fortunes were about to change. I found a job in a care home and the accident compensation is about to be paid for all my years loss of earnings. However he said it was too late, packed a van- had ALREADY rented a house and left me in the countryside with 8 cats, 6 chickens, no car and a job on the minimum wage. When we met I was earning £80k and he was earning £29k. I was in love- it didn't matter!
So he said at couneslling he was in mourning for the wife he thought he had- the businesswoman who was well dressed. I had turned into a frumoy, lazy, boring, humourless, sexless and emotionless woman with whom he could not connect in any direction. He said he would be back at the weekends to see what we could salvage from our marriage and maybe go forward. But after just one weekend he turned up on the second one with flowers and in an odd mood. He watched me choose presents and pay for them for his family and we discussed how he was going to get me to their house on Christmas day. He suggested I catch a train and a taxi and a train! I said no.! Why couldn't he pick me up?
Anyway, it then turned out he wanted a divorce and in fact the papers were already prepared. He did a whole character assassination on me in a cafe in a quiet voice so I couldn't make a fuss. He had never loved me when we married, blamed himself for being too weak and turning out 'just like his Dad' was no 42 and saw his life slipping away and didn't want what was left of it with me.
With that he drove off and left me to run a carol concert for my elderly residents while my heart was breaking.
I have only heard from him once since through a friend who says Ben wants to slow down or postpone the divorce so we can become friends and maybe sort out the financial details on our own. I think he is panicking that he will lose his big company pension, shares and half of the house.

We had been happy together- I was aware I was snappy sometimes and he was stressed from work but thought we would be together always. Is this what real GRIEF is like?
I work and walk but I am dead inside and a movie of the good times runs inside me constantly. My Dad has dementia, my mother is old, he left us with little money, no transport, not much food or crockery having asked me to get the house running expenses down by £700. When I did he was so happy and now I know it was because he wanted to leave me.
Do any of you have any advice?
He was my soulmate and I feel so, so guilty. He said I had not been honest with him about who I was and he could only value truth in a relationship. But THEN I think 'hey- YOU were the one having an affair! Texting and emailing her every day while I was ill and then you and she lying about it' Also since he moved out I have found Shares Certificates and cheques he never mentioned he has.
Ladies- and Men- I am a nice woman, I do not do 'screw the guy for all he has'. But what do I do? Should I push for half his pension, maintenance and shares plus the bulk of the house? Or should I just agree I will keep the house and leave everything else alone?My lawyer is firmly in favour of the first but- we were so in love once and I feel so massively guilty I was not a better, sexier, kinder, sweeter and more loving wife who bought less things. Please give me your advice. The grief and guilt are crippling me.KITSI

Comments for Married for eleven years- who was he

Click here to add your own comments

Dec 27, 2011
Who Are You
by: Judith in California

Debbie, the best defense is offense. In other words he chose to blame you and find fault rather than take blame for his crappy actions.

You have to look after you now so do what the lawyer says because if the shoe were on the other foot he would take all he could including your self respect by his accusations of all you weren't. Show him you are strong and willing to fight for yourself now.

He obviously was not your soulmate due to the fact of the way he treated you. A soul mate loves you in kind and does not disrespect you.

Stop thinking about him. He chose where he wanted to be.

Dec 25, 2011
married for 11 years
by: Mari

I am so very sorry for all you have gone through. It sounds as if there were numerous problems and you were getting the blame.You have owned up to the fact that you are not perfect and none of us are.But he hasn't.
The heartaches you have endured have made you wonder if you should try to get everything and get revenge of a sort. Here is what I would do.
What happened happened and cannot be changed. It is pointless to keep up with arguments and who gets what.
I would take the house and do with it what you want, sell it or keep it, rent it out whatever. But you need to make your exit and start over.You are getting the blame for everything. You are not to blame for all that happened.
If the divorce is final just make up your mind to start over. It will take time and you will grieve but just keep in mind it is not totally your fault . It is just something unfortunate that happened.
Personally I would get the house and the heck with everything else but I am not sure I would want to live in it. That is my feeling. You need to start over.
It will be very very hard but try to let the hard feelings go. You do not want to grieve and blame yourself all your life.
Maybe you could fix the house the way you want it. It would keep you busy and it is fun.You might find a church to attend nearby as you need spiritual help too.
My heart goes out to you at this time. Stop blaming yourself for not being sexier or whatever. You are fine the way God made you. Remember that. And please remember we are here for you. God bless you.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Relationship.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!