by Marshall
(Petal, Ms USA)

Hi, my name is Marshall. Maybe writing my grief situation down and posting it will help me get through this process. I hope that there will be many people relating to me and posting comments, because I believe it would help me.

I am a 48 year old male and was divorced earlier this year after a 23 year marriage. She left me for several reasons she said, and mostly just not being content with life any longer in the marriage. We were separated for 5 months before the actual divorce. She moved out and went to another city about 100 miles from me. I always figured she had found someone else, but she denied it when asked. Right before the separation I convinced her to go to marriage counseling and she agreed, but seemed not to be enthusiastic about it. The third session she said she was not going back and felt it was of no value. Within 2 weeks, she moved out.

I was left taking care of this 11 acre horse ranch, which we had due to her love for horses and everything concerning the horse lifestyle. I was never as excited about horses but did take part, as I had time and energy, but mostly for her benefit and to be with her.

Well, I hurt my lower back about 6 months before the separation and had surgery and was told to not ride anymore or I would have more back problems. It took me months to get healed and back to work. I started having less to do with the horses and also with her spending time with the horses. I was also working 55 hours per week. This is when she started the process of leaving. She had gone on several trips to the area where she ended up living, on horse riding and camping trips with girlfriends.

The divorce date came and I tried to talk her out of it once again before the process began. She would not reconsider, and afterward she said you are a good man but we just don't gel any longer in life. You need to go find someone you are compatible with and be happy. I said is that what you have already done? She said absolutely not, I am only interested in myself and my needs and what I want to do right and I am doing it.

She had moved to this new city and was living and working on a horse ranch. So, we hugged briefly and departed. I was very sick feeling, because I still loved her and was grieving terribly at that point. I had several weeks of this feeling before it slowly started easing up. I had initially had the sick and empty feeling at separation and after about 3 months it was 75% gone. Then the divorce and it came back again.

About 6 weeks after the divorce, I met another woman and we both liked each other and started dating. I was very lonely and this new relationship seemed to be the ticket to my heartbreak and pain. After about a month, it seemed most of my pain was a distant memory, yet at times I still brought my ex up to her in conversation. She was separated for several months and getting a divorce. I was hesitant in the beginning, but she kept saying it was going through. Every few weeks I brought it up and it started annoying her.

Plus, I had brought some emotional baggage into the relationship she did not like. Well, at the same time she was doing some of the same things concerning her ex. We decided to tell each other to not bring up things anymore concerning our ex partners. About 3 months into this relationship I found out my ex-wife had gotten married 6 weeks after our divorce. The guy owned a horse ranch and it ened up being where she had moved and was working. You can put two and two together on that, can't you? I had always figured it was that from the start and she just would not confess to it. It did not seem to hurt much to find this out. I was already in love with this new woman and she was in love with me.

A couple of months go by and she has still not even signed divorce papers. She has nothing to do with him any longer but is still on his group health insurance. I again ask why the process has not begun. I had also been helping her with a few of her bills since she only worked part time. She absolutely did not want to work at all. It ends up that she is not committing to the divorce or pushing it to happen because she first wants me to start taking care of her financially... completely... and show I was fully committed to her to where she could quit her part time job and just stay at home and take care of the house and property when she moved in with me.

She proved she would be wonderful at that, watching her take care of her place. By the way, she wanted to keep her place as well and I would keep up the cost of it as well, but the cost were not too bad because it was paid for. She wanted me to commit to these things before she committed to pushing for the divorce to happen. She wanted to make sure I was going to take care of her financially, and then she would break all ties with her ex and make the divorce happen.

To say I was not all that comfortable with what she was asking is saying it lightly. I could commit to that and two or three months later find her still not divorced, I thought. I wanted her committment to her divorce before I committed fully to her financially. This wall between us caused the relationship to end, and pretty quickly too. Then I find out she has another man in her life just a couple of weeks after we split. I think she was looking for someone as soon as she thought I was not going to commit to what she wanted exactly how she wanted me to.

I have spoken to her since, and she says he told her up front he would do what she wanted.... but he just wanted a few weeks to work it out with his finances. Well it has been about 3 weeks and he still has not committed as of yet and I asked her if he does not end up coming through say in another few weeks what will she do and she said she would end the relationship with him.

She said if that happens, would I take her back? I said right now I don't know, but given a month I might say no. I had fallen in love with her and she was also my crutch I found, which I did not know. I went to a counseling session and was given a book last week about divorce and losing a love relationship. All I have been told is I used her as a crutch to support my first loss with my ex wife. I should have waited for many months and gotten over the loss completely from my ex wife before getting involved and falling in love again.

I am mad at the woman in the second relationship more than I was at my wife. I also have the same sick and empty and lonely feelings again that I did when I went through my separation and divorce. All this within a years time! I need input and suggestions to get me through this, especially coming into the holidays and now alone again. Thanks for any help and support given to me.

Comments for Marshall

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May 27, 2010
by: Anonymous

Oh Marshall...I feel for your pain. Two horrible situations in a row. You deserve so much better. I know we hear that over and over, but it's hard to really feel it because we love these people so much and that says a lot about you and your ability to put others you love first. I'm so sorry for your loss. I spend the holidays alone as well. So, so, so hard isn't it? I hope you read this and are in a better place. I hope that for me too, but it's so hard to know how to feel better. I do not have many suggestions because I too am trying to dig myself out of this deep depression, devistation hole, but know that I read your story and I empathise and that I care for your pain. I really do. I hope things are getting better. If not, know I care and that somehow someday it will look up. We just have to get past this.

Nov 23, 2009
Lonely for the holidays
by: Barbara

I am also going to be alone for the holidays. My situation is different though, being my husband was killed in an accident in September.

I feel you have started in your healing with seeking help. I also feel you would do the right thing in NOT taking the second lady back. Any relationship should be made of love and caring. It sounds to me that she was being greedy. You have a right to be mad about that.

I just want to let you know that I will keep you in my prayers. I also hope that we will be able to both make it through the holidays without too much heartache.

Nov 23, 2009
My experiences
by: Nadine

Nobody can help you but your own experiences; both ladies have put problems in your life. The late wife, she left after so many years. I was married for 19 yrs once and it was always finding myself, on his part. I kept taking him back and trying to keep the marriage alive.

He would come and visit me, we had good times, the next morning he would be gone back to his home. Finally I said no more. Still to this day I do miss what we had, but emotionally I'm better off. I have peace of mind and found a Very Good Man. Other people coming into your life with EXTRA BAGGAGE is not good.

TAKE A BREAK find your self.


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