May 2 Is Still the Worst Day of My Life!

by Ilana

On May 2, 2010, I lost my mother to ovarian cancer. She was only 68. I can't believe its been three years since I lost her. One day she was fine and the next she was sick and five months later she was gone. She was buried in New Jersey and I live in Florida. I try to go to the cemetery at least once a year. The last time I went was in November of 2012. My Dad doesn't see the point in me going because he believes it is a long trip just to see a headstone. I asked him why we buried her if no one was going there. He said "We had to put her body somewhere". We're Jewish so cremation was out of the question. I disagree with my Dad because even though she's in the ground, this is where her body is. Her soul is gone, but this is her final resting place. Am I being unrealistic?

May 2nd may just be another day to some people, but it means so much more to me and I don't know how to remember her on this day since I can't go to the cemetary. I decided to go to work as I hoped to keep myself busy so I can get through the day. I'm afriad if I stay home, I'll think about her too much. One thing I plan to do is to light a Yarsite candle in her memory.

I'm up for any ideas! Thanks!

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Aug 28, 2013
Also lost mom to ovarian cancer at 64
by: Anonymous

Hello, July 30th of this year - 2013 I lost my mother who was 64 to ovarian cancer as well. She was the closest person to me ever & I don't think I will ever stop missing / grieving over her - but I hide it well... The reason I am responding to your post is that unlike your mom's quick five month passing - we went 5 long years after diagnosis before she passed & and although I do & did cherish every good day & there were a lot of them... There are some horrific and painful things that happened to my mom in that time and I try to find some peace that her suffering is over and she did not have to go through worse like a friend of mine's mother who battled it for 11 Years. At first u might have some anger in reading this - I got angry at first wondering wht my mom got cheated out of those extra 6 years, my friend's mom got with the same original diagnosis - 3c. But all it took was to see the horror my mom went through the last 18 months & look in his eyes when he told me "I hate hospitals now" - we had to pull the plug on life support for my mom and I just kept telling my dad there are worse things than dying... After reading posts from others who lost their mom''s suddenly on here - I'm trying to find some comfort in the fact that I got to say goodbye and it was not too sudden OR too long in treatment/pain. In not sure if there is any way my post here will help comfort you - that is my goal - I'm sorry if it upsets u - everything upsets me these days... But if nothing else I hope you find comfort that u are not the only one going through this - it helps me...

Apr 30, 2013
May 2 Is Still the Worst Day of My Life!
by: Doreen U.K.

Ilana I am sorry for your loss of your mother so quickly you didn't have time to process what was happening. Death really crushes us in ways we couldn't even imagine. Your father will be going through his own grief. But somehow Men look at things differently. They are Practical, less emotional and don't see the point in taking a long journey to see a headstone. But to you it is more than this and you are right. You can listen to your dad and respect him. But you can still do what you feel is right for you. No use explaining to someone who has different ideas. You will be HONOURING YOUR MOTHER in the best way you need to do and is right for you. Better not to discuss what you do with someone who may oppose you and stop you doing what you need to do.
I lost my husband on 5th May 2012 to cancer and it is the worst death I will ever go through. I was married 44yrs. My husband died 16 days before his 66th Birthday and my family went to the graveside and put up balloons everywhere and plaques, and treasured memories of him and flowers. Our way of honouring him.
Now I have landscaped our garden and I have planted Roses everywhere as my husband loved flowers and especially Roses. This was his favourite flower. I have flowers all around the house in honour of him. I have bought a solar powered birdbath so that when the sun energises the solar panel the water will fall off an umbrella with a young girl and boy under this holding a bird and a flower. I bought it on QVC U.K. They will have this shopping channel in America also. This is in Honour of my beloved husband who died 5th May. This will be put in his corner of the garden reserved for him.
You will come up with ideas that you will want to take on. Work from what your mother loved. You can also keep a Mom Book and write all the time whenever you want. Write letters to her and talk to her in your writing as if she was here to understand what you are saying. It will also comfort you and honour her memory. You could plant a Tree in honour of her. Different ideas will spring up and this will bring you a measure of Comfort.

Apr 30, 2013
Dear Ilana,
by: Pat in Missouri

Memorial days are very hard for all of us who are grieving. The most important thing about grieving is that it is different for everyone. Regardless of how your father feels, if you want to visit your mother's grave and if it feels important to you, you should do it.

I am not Jewish and am not familiar with the customs of your faith. I do not want to offend you in any way. I will just tell you how the issue feels for me. I am Christian, but what we have done in our family is really not related to faith in any way. When my mother died, it was her wish to be cremated. My father passed 2 years later. He also chose cremation. Our parents had requested that their ashes be scattered together, after they had both passed. The 3 of us came from the various parts of the country, where we live, and met to scatter our parents ashes together. It was an incredibly moving service and meant a great deal to all of us. We all thought that our parents would have approved. Since they chose cremation, wanted no headstones, and their ashes have been scattered in the wind, I see them in the rainbows, the trees, soft Spring rains, and beautiful gardens, etc.

The point to telling you what we did in our family is that life is a journey and the physical body is only part of it. God gave us life, we live on earth until we die, but the spirit lives on. The body is like the clothing for the spirit. When it dies, the spirit form is still with us. In 2011, my fiance' also died. He chose burial. He was a veteran so I had him buried in a veteran's cemetery. Did you see your mother's body after she passed? I did see my mother and my fiance's bodies. Aside from the tears and the difficulty of the finality, I noted no life. It was extremely difficult to look at a lifeless body. I prefer to remember my loved ones for their life and vitality; their smiles, jokes, crazy habits, enjoying a meal together, etc. I really do not want to remember what I saw in a coffin or, in my mother's case, displayed on a table, before her body was before cremation.

Since my fiance' is buried, I have gone to visit his grave 2-3 times, but it really means more to me, when I feel his spirit touching me or talking to me. After the body dies, there is nothing left, but the skin, bones, and tissues. I do not see that as something to worship. Again, I hope I am not offending you. You should do whatever feels right for you. I am simply telling you what has felt right for me and my family.

I made a beautiful scrapbook of memories of my mother. I have enjoyed that far more than I would going to a grave. I like your idea of the candle. There are many things we can do in memory of our lost loved ones. I hope you can find the answer you are looking for. Do what your heart tells you. Please let me know what you decide. I send you many hugs. Pat

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