Meaning of Loss
For a couple days now a good friend of mine has been telling me that I really need to talk to someone because of the job I do. He felt that because I'm a hospice nurse that the stress of the job could easily get to someone. His exact words was that "as a nurse of hospice I see more deaths than the normal person would in a lifetime." He also stated that this was not a normal job and that he was concerned with my well being. I listen to these words at the time and placed them on the back burner. I also know that a coworker of mine has been saying, since she found out about my moms death, I need to start healing and also dealing with prior losses in my life. This is not something that I normally find easy to do. I am normally the caregiver the one you can call on when you need help. I am NOT the one to want to share my feelings I hide in a shell and not allow others to see what's going on. Only peeking out to caught my breath long enough to hide again. Some would say not living but just surviving. Well lately things have been getting to me and when ask whats on my mind I can honestly say nothing but in the same turn everything. I think about where life has taken me, where I'm heading, what I really want to do in life, I think about happiness along with sadness. I think about how I give of myself to others to make sure they're happy but in reality I don't even know if I'm happy. I breath but do i live.
I talked to my coworker and she gave me a paper on journaling and it has 11 subjects and I think I'm going to try and write on each one.
Subject one is the meaning of loss. This is just not the meaning of loss but the experience of loss. For me the meaning of loss in regards to death means that the person has ceased to exist in the form of a body with a mind and soul. It means that the afternoon talks...with an answer back...are no more. It means that that part of life is forever changed. The long walks together, the kiss on the cheek, the tears of happiness shared together is forever ended. It means that the loved once shared together is now a love that one must stand alone upon.
Loss also means judgment. Meaning others will now cast judgment upon you. Whether it is the judgment of...did you do your best for the person that past, did you give your all, did you love to your fullest, did you live each day in joy or sorrow. But most of all its the judgment you place upon yourself. COULD I HAVE DONE MORE! Loss equals a look back at ones life to determine ones quality. Have we lived or have we survived only to find that the air in the room is stale. That the flowers no longer smell but simply exist. That the music that once brought joy is now white noise in the background barely recognizable. That the love we once shared is nothing more than a distance memory as a memory from childhood where colors and sounds drift in space. With the loss of death we ask ourselves can we come out into the sun again like a new flower in bloom. Can we learn to love the faded memories of past. Will the music become joy and noise of life. Will the flowers begin to smell again. Will the air in the room that feels like fingers around our necks loosen its grip and allow us to breath. Most of all will we give ourselves permission to LIVE.
When it comes to loss there are so many different types. And to be honest loss does not always equal death but I guess that's another post another time.