by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

4th of July 2009

4th of July 2009

Memories press between the pages of time . . .
I miss my Elvis . . .
I sit here watching my electric picture frame with pictures passing through time.
Times of laughter I once knew. The 1st and only time I had a flocked Christmas tree, big and beautiful with new lights and ornaments now in boxes with those memories.
Arkansas as we knew it.
Christmas in 2007 at my brothers's house and Billy in the pool floating in the pool on 4th of July with our gang.
The tears come and go at a moments notice.
I've entered a new stage, a new life without him and I'm angry, I'm alone and sorry for myself and hate doing everything on my own.
out here on my own and I hate it. It drags me down and threatens to drown me. I'm making a new future, one with him gone and I'm finding its difficult, painful and all out pissing me off because I don't want to be here without him. (Please excuse the words)
A Lighted Christmas tree now alone, Thanksgiving day dinner missing him at the table, the memories overwhelm me and pull me into a never ending pit of emotions.
Move on, move up in the world I've been told. I would like to know who made the rules because I've got a few words for that person.
I know, I know ~ with tears as I write this It won't change a thing. It won't change the fact that he's gone, it won't change the tears that are falling and it won't change the pain in my heart.
Word's I write to move me along. I thank this site and those who follow me along this heartbreak.
Disneyland last year in the rain, wet and having the time of our lives. Who would have know it was the last of our lives....
I thought I was doing well. I've made new friends but....
at the end of the day, alone when I go to bed at night. I hurt, I cry and I want him back. But what I know is gone ... so is our lives. Its at these moments when the memories pull me part they strip me down to the core ~ reveal the pain and wanting I can't have.
So tonight as always, I will hope to see you Billy in my dreams because I miss you so much ~ and then come morning, awake again alone in my bed. Another day alone, another day on my own.
Until then,
1 step, 1 breath at a time

Comments for Memories

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Apr 10, 2011
memories- the drowning pool
by: Anonymous


If only grief were memories in a pool and we could step out when they became too painful.

We never totally forget what was nor can we put it on a shelf. We can hide and pack away every physical reminder of what was but our mind is the enemy.
In the book back to life I read that we can put these thoughts in a box and give ourselves 15 minutes a day to review all the crummy thoughts that threatened to ruin our day.

Is that possible to hold off on thoughts until a better time? I have pondered the idea that what we think and do is a choice. If the mind is a steel trap or a sieve, Can we actually choose what we allow it to think? Is that possible? What is a controllable impulse?

Anyway it is not easy, I had a mini meltdown/panic
attack yesterday when the demons of thought and reason pelted me with memory upon memory. I was so frantic within I told my son to "Leave me Alone!"

Is there really an end to grief? Some point where we can force/choose to allow our mind remember the good and release the nightmare of memories that haunt our existence.

I wish I knew because I struggle towards the new.
The me that wants peace. The me that loved him with all my heart but can not be pulled down flogging myself with what was.

Better days ahead is my wish for you, and us all.

Apr 09, 2011
by: Judith in California

Oh Patricia, I feel your pain and wish I could help.

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