Mike, Mom and Dad

by Jean
(Minnesota)

I lost my dear husband November 23, 2010 after a year and a half of fighting esophageal cancer. He was a strong man, a good man, a great Dad and the best friend I ever had.

I also lost my Mom March 2, 2010 and my Dad October 16, 2010. We lost Jean, an Aunt this year and my dad's brother and sister last fall, two weeks apart from each other.

I have hit the ground. This is taking me to my knees and I need help getting through this. I've never felt so alone.

Mike and I have two adult children...our son is married with a baby on the way. I should be excited about my first grandchild. I am not.... and that makes me feel bad. All I can think of is how much the baby is going to miss without my Dad and Mike in their lives. He would of been a GREAT Grandpa.

Our Daughter left the country last August to work in Italy. This broke his heart that she left him like that. When it was time for hospice, she came home, but by then the cancer was in his brain and well..

At any rate, that's the gist of what happened to us this year. Getting old sucks.

This grief is unbearable at times.... my face leaks all the time. I get home from work, put jammies on and cry... (this week anyway, it's cold out there in the tundra).

Thanks for listening, reading.. I hope somehow with all of you, we can help each other get through this horrible grief.

I am checking on grief counseling this week also... I know I'm going to need more help. anyone else try this yet and did it help you?

Thanks for listening and I hope to 'meet' you all soon.

Jean from Minnesota

Comments for Mike, Mom and Dad

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Nov 19, 2013
multiple losses
by: Cheryl

Dear Jean
Like you, both of my parents and my husband all died within a 16 month period. The losses are sometimes so overwhelming that I don't know what to do.
I know that parents should die before their children but I'm 64 years old and I don't care how old you are, losing your parents is devastating. After 62 yrs of marriage my father died on Dec 5, 2010, (my 23rd wedding anniversary) and my mother died the day after Thanksgiving 2011 (the day after my grandsons 1st birthday).
My husband was diagnosed with inoperable mesenteric cancer and died Aug 2012. He died at home, with dignity, and I was honored to care for him, with the support of hospice. I consider myself so fortunate to have been able to say goodbye to him, to tell him how much I loved him, and to thank him for our great life together. He died 2 1/2 months shy of our 25 wedding anniversary. I miss him everyday and always will.
After his death, I went through the unbearable grief and mourning periods, counseling, a support group, and journaling (which, like this, helped me immensely) and the "motions of living" just to make others feel comfortable around me. Not to mention the depression, crying, not eating, over eating, and let's not forget the drinking. Looking back, there are portions of my life during those first several months that are missing from my mind. Thankfully, I have learned that that is how our minds hand the shock of death and grief. I can remember telling my counselor at about the 2 month mark, that I wasn't feeling depressed or happy, I just felt "different." She told me that was normal and to "embrace it as it won't last long". Grief is like a roller coaster with it's ups and downs and that it is always unpredictable. Since then I've had many hours, days, and weeks of where I am on that downward roller coaster ride.
I recently sold our home and moved closer to my daughter and her family. I tried to re-build somewhat of a life with all the stuff we do to fill the empty hours. That is until the past week. I have felt a build up of anxiety, sadness, and emptiness that I knew was going to come to a head and it arrived today with a vengeance. I know the extreme sadness that I experienced last year centered around those important anniversary dates of loss and the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be my favorite holidays. I'd spend days cooking for Thanksgiving, taking the grandkids, along with my husband to see Santa the day after, start decorating, gift buying and wrapping, Christmas parties at the house, and Christmas Day at our daughter's. We always came home Christmas night and talked to my husband about how "it was the best Christmas ever and how lucky we were to have such great kids!" All of those memories are filed away in my heart and mind as they are so painful to bring out now. All I want to do today is go to sleep and not wake up until January 1. I just want the pain to stop.
Please know you are not alone.
Cheryl

Jan 11, 2011
Thank you
by: Jean

Thank you so much for responding to my post. I understand what you mean about needing a place to say this stuff at.. people don't want to hear it, they don't want to see it either. We are supposed to be ok after a few days and carry on... carry on..... with as much grace as I can I am trying to do just that. It isn't easy.

You all have given me a few good ideas, like the hospice folk, I haven't utilized this program, maybe I should.

I am also getting help in finding grief counseling close to home. There is one place out in St Paul, about 25 miles, might be the best place to go tho, so I am thinking about it.

Still finding Thank You cards that need to be written. I thought I got everyone... man, I hope people forgive me for not getting these all out on time.

I am taking things one day at a time. My Daughter left for Italy yesterday. Horrible tears again. Body rocking... all night... When she comes back in the spring, she will be living out in Washington state. Quite a long way from Minnesota. I miss her so much already. It feels like I lost her too in a way. And in a way I have lost them both. To being adults.... I am so thankful they are adults, to lose their Dad as kids would somehow feel worse... at least they had him into their 20's. not long enough, not by a long shot. At any rate...

Trying to get excited for the baby coming in May. Once I start to shop for baby maybe then I will start to get excited more.

Actually, I think I can go tomorrow to see the ultrasound where they find out the sex... The kids said I could come with them, I think I should. Maybe this will bond me more to my Daughter in law also. I want a great relationship with her, after all, she is the one my Son picked to marry and have his kids with, I want to love her the way I love my own daughter.

I am so sorry to all of you for all of your losses too. It's never easy is it? Life will never be the same here in my little world. But, that doesn't mean it can't be happy again at some point. Soon, I hope soon. Mike, my Mom and Dad wouldn't want me sad for too long. It isn't easy though, my gosh, I miss them all so much.

The guilt is there too for so much of this... I keep thinking I gave Mike too much medicine at the end. He was in so much pain and so irritable that I upped his meds a bit. He woke up before I did this and told me he was burning up, to please hurry with the meds... his J-Tube fell out and the stomach acids were dumping into his abdomen for 3 days. (they told me it would heal over) it didn't.

After that he never woke up again. he died the next day. I miss him so much. I don't want him back suffering again, I want him back whole and healthy. So, I'll just have to wait until God calls me home so I can see him again. Until then, i must be a good gramma, Mother, Mother in Law and Auntie.

thanks for listening.

Love,
Jean from Minnesota

Jan 06, 2011
I'm there too
by: Lyn Ann

Hi Jean -

Reading the story of your husband is like re-reading my first blog a month ago.

My husband Jim was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in May. It was fully developed by then,and there was no treating it (they had mis-diagnosed it earlier). It hadn't spread at that point, so we thought, hoped, we had a few years... but by October we found it had spread to his brain. He deteriorated quickly after radiation treatments. I cared for him as the man I loved slowly disappeared.... He died on November 20th.

This is so painful - I cannot even imagine how much worse it must be when you have lost other loved ones as well. Awful, awful.

None of my friends understands this pain, neither does my family (except our 17year old son, who is also suffering).

But this blog site is so wonderful. I come here every night - for an hour or so before bedtime. I read, I cry, I write. Here I can say things that I would never tell friends, never tell family - nobody else wants to listen.

But as well as reading, crying and writing, I also find hope, through this group and through prayer - knowing that the people in this group are holding one of my hands and God is holding the other helps me get through every minute of every day.

We are here for you. You are not alone. Come back and keep reading, keep sharing.

As you will read over and over in these messages - one step, one breath at a time.

You are in my prayers, Lyn Ann

Jan 06, 2011
For Jean
by: Jen

Jean,
Im so so sorry for your losses,
You have taken a great step forward in getting in touch with this site and the wonderful people in it.
I too have seen a counsellor since Richard died two years ago aged 41 from cancer.
Counselling is a great way to vent our issues and i now see him each 3 months.
Lean on us for support. We are always here.

Best wishes to you from Northern Ireland,

Jen

Jan 06, 2011
Grief couciling
by: Margaret

Hi I lost my Mother in 2010 it has been 5 Months. I have been talking to the Chaplin at Hospice and they do a lunch once a month to just talk, that makes me feel not so alone.

I also am going to see a councilor, she is wonderful and gives me so much help. I have also read books, taken up drawing and painting. I also have gotten very involved in my church, My husband and I have had our bad days he lost is father almost a year before, bless his heart he hasn't even had time to grieve his own father completely.

Let me tell you one thing, there is NO time frame for grief. I do understand that grief and getting older suck!

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I do know that a good councilor is a blessing. If one doesn't feel right, find another. Don't let anyone think it doesn't hurt, it does. and tears are a great thing. just give yourself a time limit and then focus on something else. I find that has helped me a great deal.
God Bless you
Margaret

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