by Kylie
(Raleigh NC)

I was 22 years old and with my live in boyfriend for 3 years when out of the blue my period was late. After taking a few tests it was confirmed I was pregnant.

I feel looking back on it like there was a few steps of grieving there also- it was unplanned, we both worked at coffee shops, we were able to live comfortably together but add the expense of a new born!? Aside from being emotional already, I spent most of the first few weeks crying. I thought everything was ugly, my life was over.

There was never any question on whether we'd keep it.
Had our first doctors appointment and they said I was a little earlier than what I calculated and to reschedule an appointment in 2 weeks. Luckily they still gave me a little picture to hold on to.
I thought nothing of this. I wasn't having morning sickness, but I was tired all of the time and crying uncontrolably. My nose was also extremely sensative.

The night before our next appointment I had a dream that I had miscarried. Woke up shaking but thought nothing of it. Went to the appointment and after 15 minutes of waiting it was confirmed- the baby had stopped growing and I was going to need surgery as soon as possible to remove it and avoid any health risks to me.
The next 24 hours moved so fast. I cried and cried and cried. It was still there in my belly but not really there. My boyfriend at the time was trying to be supportive and understanding by saying we'd try again in a few months when I'm healed.
Had surgery without really telling anyone. I def secluded myself away from everyone- my family his family any friends who knew I was pregnant.
a week later he moved out and we broke up.

I remember a specific phone conversation I had with my mother who I am very close with. She was getting onto me for being so upset and crying and I could tell she was getting frustrated with me just as I was frustrated with her lack of understanding. She actually told me to get over it and I had to remind her that I lost my baby 2 weeks prior and my boyfriend a week after that.. So no I wasn't going to get over it.

It's been a year and a half now and I feel like I still go from one stage to another stage to a different stage in no real order. I do take comfort in knowing that the cringing horrible pain I originally felt has been replaced with a memory of pain. My heart still sinks and aches when I think about it. But it's NOTHING compared to what it was.
I don't think I'll ever forget that pain... but it does get better.

The first few weeks I kept a journal where I would write to my "little spirit" as I call him/her. I still can't read over it without hurting for my old self. I feel like that was very important in the process. I also got a tattoo to permanentally remember my little spirit. And I took to drawing-- all great outlets.

Another problem I've run across is when I went to find support groups the only support groups for miscarriage were about "just try again" and more for couples who were still together.
But what if I lost my baby and my boyfriend??

as far as others dealing with me in my time of need-- obviously didn't have the best support group. As much as I hated the idea of life continuing and going to work like normal it is a big part of the process as well.
I had lost my grandfather earlier that year and all I kept thinking was "If there's a heaven, my grandpa would be there. And if my grandpa was there.. why would he let this happen to me??"
There was a lot of guilt on what did I do or not do?
What makes my body unfit to carry a child?
Only up until recently have I been able to joyfully ask strangers when they're due or about their pregnancy.
I did lose one close friend due to all of this. She got married and was trying to concieve. After months of trying she finally became pregnant.. but she didn't want to tell me for fear it would upset me.
I began distancing myself-- the idea of following her pregnancy and growing belly just shortly after all of this happened to me was just too much to handle.

no matter the grief.. same stages and same coping methods.

Comments for Miscarriage

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Jan 10, 2013
thank you!
by: Kylie

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond with such wise kind words.

I have looked into seeing a grief couselor but I lost my insurance shortly after this all happend and am only just now getting it back. I do plan on finding help as soon as possible.. some times it's too much to be able to handle it on your own.

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband and your son, that could not have been easy. Watching my grandma lose my grandpa to cancer was one of the most heartbreaking things to watch and the process is so drawn out. But I take comfort in knowing that soon enough it will be better and it won't be like this forever.

Hold tight to your daughters and sisters! They sound like they really helped you move forward. And you're right, people come and people go especially in time of need.

Jan 05, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Kylie I am sorry for your loss of your unborn child to a miscarriage. It is not uncommon for people in your same situation to go through the same feelings as you. If you feel that you are stuck in your grief and not moving forward the best option would be to go and see a grief counsellor and grief each loss separately. It is possible that both losses are tangled up and you can't separate this. I go through this a lot and I have done counselling years ago and needed this support to untangle all my repressed grief. I am glad I did this as I was able to breathe and live for the very first time in 40yrs. I have since gone on to have a more freeing and liberating life. I cope better with new difficulties and problems that arise. Often men can't cope with the losses of life and so move on. You will one day find someone who loves you enough to stick with you for better or worse. It is usually when you lose a child or significant other from your life that you will lose relationship with other people in your life and also attract other supporters within your circle of family or friends. I lost my husband to cancer 8 months ago and I lost my son from my life also for him moving away and living his own life. But I also got the best support ever from my 3 sisters and also from my 2 daughters. It is not unusual to lose and gain people from our lives when a death occurs.
I am sorry for your loss of understanding from your mom who tells you to get over it. Often some people are not able to cope with continuing grief and your mother is probably short tempered because your suffering is prolonged. You may just have to choose people who are able to support you in the way you need and this is often a counsellor who is impartial. Life will seem depressing just now but it won't always be this way. You will one day move forward and be happy again.

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