Miss Eveline

by Eveline
(Horntown, VA)

My dad turned 83 in John Hopkins hospital in Baltimore, MD on 7/17/2010. He died hooked up to a ventilator and kidney machine which he fought to have removed. They had to tie his hands and feet down bc he fought with all his strength to try to pull some 16 lines out.

It was my mom's decision to keep him alive in this state although he would hit her hand and indicate he wanted all that stuff off. I live a three and one-half hour drive from the hospital. It was a torture for me to watch my dad suffer and not be able to intervene. I am a nurse so it made it especially difficult for me bc I knew he was suffering! It is hard for me to understand how my mother could watch him suffer so as she never left the hospital except for several hours to take a bath.

She kept saying "I am not going to kill him" and at times said things like "I have control now". They have been married for 62 years and I am 62.

I have two younger sisters who do not seem to be grieving as hard as I am. I have lived next door to my dad since 1973. He cut my grass, picked up my mail and we had a very close relationship. He would walk over almost every day btn 11am and 1pm to get my 3 year old granddaughter. I feel nauseous during those hours everyday.

My dad was buried on July 31, 2010. Intellectually, I understand what I am going through but it does not make my pain any less. I find myself crying most of the time although I know he is in a better place in God's care.

I feel guilty bc no one in my family seems to understand why I am still crying and in pain. I know this pain will fade or lessen with time. I am just trying to take one day at a time.

Eveline