Miss my Dad

by Kristie
(New Zealand)

Dad was on his way to my nieces 3rd birthday, we were all waiting as he had the presents and her new bike in his car, but he never arrived or answered his phones, so mum went looking and found him dead in his car just 200 metres up the road, he almost made it there, he had had a heart attack at 66 with a clean medical record and super fit and because he looked parked no one had stopped. Then time seemed to just stop and 10 months later his death still haunts me everyday. I had a 2 year old and a 4 month old at the time and I was extremely close to my Dad, working with him and talking to my parents daily, all of us living in a small rural town where he was a very public figure. Mum still won;t talk about it, won't mention his name or like us to, she didn't cry at all and probably still hasn't even at his funeral, I was the weeper and was ostricised in my family for it, they cut me out of everyhting, my 2 sisters and my mum didn't ring or see me as I would cry and they didn't want to themselves, so my grieving has been very lonely.I am now so angry all the time, my poor children have had a hard time, stuck with a grieving mum who was in a catatonic state for 4 months then now has no patience or joy. My husband travels for work so we only see him in the weekends and he only had a week off work when dad died. I am petrified I will lose him too, in a way I have started pushing him away as I am so scared that someone else I love sooo much will just die. My grief for my Dad is truely physical pain, I can't breathe, I havent eaten for 4 months, I feel like a zombie. There were days I didn't get out of bed and had two babies with no one else to look after them and I still couldn't get up. My elder sister has taken over everything, finacially etc and the situation here is now so bad with the family I have left that we are leaving the country, I just can't drown here with them as I will lose my husband and my family. I feel so guilty for leaving them, but I can't pretend nothing happened anymore, they go home and drink themselves into forgetting, and are all alcoholics, so talking to them after work is a waste of time anyway. I miss you Dad and I will never forget you

Comments for Miss my Dad

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Jul 25, 2012
Missing my Dad
by: Doreen U.K.

Kristie I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad.
You are in prolonged grief. Firstly because of losing your Dad. then because you are isolated with your grief. You have no one close to support you and help you with your grief.
the tone of your post says that perhaps you were dad's favourite and your family has issues with this? I don't want to offend you but it sounds familiar to how it is in many families. Death will fracture a family. Any unresolved difficuties will just make this fracture bigger. I think this may have happened here. You sound very articulate and frustrated that no one is co-operating with you and you are ready to GIVE UP. You cannot take any more. It is grief on top of grief.
Get some grief counselling urgently. Don't make a move till you have done the counselling. Your world may just change and get better. If you move at the right time it is better. If you move just to get away from what is happening you may just intensify your grief and feel more isolated. You may not be able to easily get back to where you left from and be very unhappy for a long time.
If the move was to be closer to where your husband is working so that he would be home more and not home just each weekend. THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. Move for the right reasons. Not just to get away from the pain otherwise the pain will follow you wherever you go.
If you are afraid your husband may leave also. This is normal grief. It isn't a good idea just seeing your husband every weekend. I had to put up with this for 6 years as Steve couldn't get a job and so we were in another state and he only came home each weekend. I can't begin to tell you how it nearly destroyed our family. If you can't get through to your mother and siblings then you may have to distance yourself from them in order to cope with your own grief. Each person grieves in their own way. Even if you see it as a negative way for your mother or family members to handle their grief. People do what they need to do when they can't cope. I am sure they will eventually reach out to you when the right time comes. If it never comes there is nothing you can do about this. You have to provide stability for your children otherwise what is happening now will affect them also. Having a grief counsellor will benefit you. You will be able to see things clearer and adjust to your situation without it adversely affecting you.

Jul 25, 2012
For you Kristie
by: Anonymous

Dear Kristie. My heart goes out to you. I lost my Dad suddenly in May this year, he was also 66 and very healthy. I have two young boys and a very supportive family. If your family won't or can't support you, we can on this site. Please take comfort from us, you are not alone, you are strong and together we can all help each other in our new, less happy lives. Your children will be your saving grace. Look to them and you look to a future that can have happiness and laughter in it. My Dad was an amazing man. I'll never stop loving him and I will go on as that is what great parents do, they give their children the strength to live their lives after they have gone. As they did for us, so we will do for our children. Please take care of yourself and stay strong for your Dad. x

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