Miss my love too much!

by Kim
(Riverside Ca. USA)

Hi my name is Kim and I lost my husband on July 16,2011. His name was George and he was only 48. On that day I came down stairs and found him gone on the couch. He had a massive heart attack. Me and my 17 year old son just freaked out. My daughter was on her way home from vacation and I had to tell her over the phone. Me and my husband were married 1 month shy of 18 years and we were truly best friends and soul mates. 10 years ago he became disabled due to a back injury and I have always been a housewife so we got to spend every waking moment with each other. We never ran out of things to talk about and we never fought. I love that I had that true love but it is sooo hard to deal with him being gone. I still cry all the time and these holidays are really tough. I still don't know how to go on without him and I can't ever imagine being with anyone else. I don't know anyone that has gone through losing a spouse so it's hard to talk to anyone that can understand how I'm feeling. My kids are both devastated without there Daddy here. My daughter will talk with me about her feelings but my son just clams up whenever anyone talks about his dad. It breaks my heart to know I can't make their pain go away. We are a very tight knit family and this shock just hurts too much. Im also so upset because I'm not going to be able to keep our home that we made so many memories in. I was a housewife but I am also disabled and can't find work. Because I was only 18 when we got married and we started our family right after I haven't worked so I haven't put in enough hours to qualify for social security disability so I have zero income coming in now. That just makes things so much worse. My whole life has been turned upside down. I am a believer of God and I go to church every Sunday, and I know God is with me and he relieved my husband of his chronic horrible pain but I'm only human and I wish I could have him back. I miss his hugs, his sweet sexy smile, how he made me laugh, how much he lived being a father and so much more. What I wish for the most though is to be able to have a dream about him. I've been wanting that since he passed and it hasn't happened:(( You see in dreams things seem so real and to be able to see him again even if it's only in my dream I would be soo happy. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make this pain less I would love to hear or even someone to talk to that knows how I feel would be nice. Thanks, Kim

Comments for Miss my love too much!

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Dec 10, 2011
May you receive what you need
by: Anonymous

Dearest Kim, you are not alone, no matter lonely and lost on some days you must surely feel. At times I felt so many different emotions at once it felt impossible to hold them all in without exploding. The world took on a surreal sense as everyone else seemed to focus on such silly meaningless things, while my world had crashed.

I lost my husband of 21 years - my children's father. They were only 14 and 17. It was a month before my daughter graduated from high school. My son is quiet about it like yours.
I think in a way I understand his attitude. It's similar to his fathers realistic way of seeing things. What can you do about it? So what is there to say? There is only one word to describe how it feels and its not worth saying -- Nothing will go back the way it was.

I found that doing things that were active were the most healing for my kids. We planted a beautiful cherry tree in a place that meant a lot to us all, and we released balloons on the first anniversary of his death. We wrote on the balloons, all about what happened during the year he missed in our lives. We released them over our favorite lake. So far we keep it simple -- we listen to his favorite music. We write lyrics from special songs of his - I framed a special song that played and played right after he died that was so much what he would have said to me.

I could write much much more. It is late. It has been a journey requiring more courage and belief in myself and my abilities than ever before in my life. At times I am still in shock. I miss him beyond any mere words and I am so deeply deeply sad for him. And for my children, my heart breaks.

I hope you receive all that you need at this time to take care of your family. I pray for your continued wisdom and strength and maybe a new support group to add to whomever you have now. I found It helped to find people that could see the NEW me, without expectations for me to be on a time table for certain kinds of changes. This is a life changing thing, and I was already changed. New people - especially in a comfortable support group - will help celebrate the baby steps you take to heal and even those that make you fall apart. And the bigger ones you strive for as well. Blessings to you and your children for continued healing and faith and support, compassion and protection as you make so many changes this year. Patience with all the paperwork, and details, and strange feelings and the whole journey.

Dec 06, 2011
Thank you!
by: Kim

Thank you so much Pat, Paul, Wendy and Judith. Hearing that I'm not alone on this never ending boat of emotions and pain makes me feel less weird. Like I said I don't know anyone that has lost a spouse and I know people that have lost parents and grandparent and I don't want to down play their losses but I just don't feel like it's the same as losing your spouse. Your spouse is your total lifeline and you spend everyday with them and make decisions together and give each other the ultimate act of love. That just feels worse to lose than when my grandparents both passed. I though for a while that I was losing my mind and now I know I'm not alone. I also feel like a huge part of my own soul us gone. I can go from fine one minute to bawling the next and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I guess this is all part of what we have to go through to get better and make any sense of what we lost. Having someone to talk to will be so helpful so I know I'm not crazy for being soo sad. I really didn't know if anyone would even respond and you are all wonderful for giving me your insight. Thank you so much and God bless you for your kind words during this difficult time of life. Kim

Dec 06, 2011
by: Samantha

Hey, Kim :)
I haven't lost a husband, but i've lost a man who is my best friend, my first love and my last and the man i trusted with my life.. Racing10baby@live.co.uk if you like email me :) as i could do with a chat my self,

I'm really so very sorry for your loss :(

Dec 06, 2011
Miss my love too much!
by: Pat J

Dear Kim,
I so miss my love too much also. I lost my husband of 46 years on June 27,2011, the day after our wedding anniversary, of a massive heart attack also.
This thing called,OUR GRIEF, at times is so over whelming. I look back over the last 5 months and can't imagine that I have made it this far. I believe our husbands are walking beside us, guiding us along with God.
We were blessed to have loving husbands; no they weren't perfect, but neither are we. I am just so grateful that he was a part of my life. He too was a loving father and he was a great grandfather. His grandchildren called him Papa. They thought he was the greatest. He would always get the last kiss when they left, saving the best for last, as they would say. They tell me how they miss him and ask why did he have to die. I ask myself that same guestion. Yet, in my heart I know he was starting to develop health issues and God spared him suffering.
For me, my faith, my children and grandchildren and three widows, I met through a grief support group, are my life line. I am still am oh so lonely without him and I will always love and miss him. I know he wants me happy again. How long will it take me to be able to say I am happy again, only God knows, but I am taking it one day at a time, faking it until I can make it.
Keep coming to this site.There are some amazing people on here. We all get it and share a special bond, even though we are all strangers.
Finding our way, after losing a spouse is a challenge, but I feel we are all strong or God would not have given us such a great challenge in this life.
I tell my children, the best way to honor their father and his memory, is to always make him proud of us, Do things he would approve of, we all make mistakes, but learn from them
God Bless You. The holidays will always be changed for us. A part of us died with our spouse.
But we all learn to go on.

Dec 06, 2011
Miss my love also
by: Paul


Dec 06, 2011
I Miss Mine too
by: Wendy

Dear Kim,

I too lost my husband, my soulmate, and best friend suddenly this past July in a tragic accident. And all your words ring so true. It's hard to believe that I will never see him again, or hold him, and all the other rituals we take for granted over the years. Unfortunately I have no wise words for you, as we are both in the same boat. However, besides this wonderful site, I have joined a support group where I can be with other people who truly understand what we are going through. Family and friends just don't understand, they just want to see the sadness go away, and that makes me angry.

I too am also facing the possibility of losing my home. I mean how much more can we take? Isn't it enough to lose our spouses, but to lose the home where we share so many memories seems so unfair. But I'm learning that life isn't fair.

I'm trying to look at it as we all get ONE dream come true, and my Ronnie was mine. For however long it lasted, I had my fairy tale, my knight in shining armor, but we both know that doesn't help us get through the lonely nights in bed, or waking up alone. Just know that you are not alone. If you ever want to talk, you can email me and maybe we can exchange phone numbers. I have free long distance and it would be nice to be able to help each other through the dark times.

But my hope is you will also try to find some sort of support either through a bereavement group or your church.

Try to stay strong. One breath...one step. We're in this together. My email is wrreefer@hotmail.com. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dec 06, 2011
There's no Too Much
by: Judith in California

Kim, you have my deepest sympathies for the loss of your husband . In the pages of LOST SPOUSE OR TRUE LOVE here you will find an array of letters from those of us who have walked in your footsteps to read and see that it will take time . It is the hardest journey you will ever be on. The grief will take you on the roller coaster ride of emotions of your life. You must go through all the stages for there is no easy way on this road to finding acceptance and peace.
I too prayed to dream of him just to have some form of our life back. It took a while before I did dream of him. Now, after a year and two months, they hardly come. Tho' I pray for them still.
You will be different but stronger on the other side of this.
Start a journal and write to him of your feelings everyday. I did this for a year and it helped me and others.

Keep your relationship with God and he will provide the strength and courage for you to move forward one step, one minute,one day at a time.

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