Miss my Mum, our arguments, and laughs

by Estella
(London, England)

My Mum, Jo, died on 12 June 2012, so I am still very raw. She was elderly (age 86) and her health was terrible. We expected her to die, of course, but now she has and I can't cope.

She was always a very strong spirit, very protective of her family, and not very demonstrative. We were different ends of the scale, and often disagreed with each other, and she hated to be wrong! She would often say to people, "I am going round Stella's for a cup of tea and an argument!". However, as she got old, she became softer and far more loving. Her face would literally light up when I went to see her, and she would wave me off until she could no longer see me. I can visualise her so easily watching me drive away and it hurts.

I have suffered from depression on and off since age 16, which I cannot deny was probably made worse by incidents when I was tiny. When I was two years old apparently I would stand up in my cot and call to my Mum, and then wet the bed. Today, none of us even expect our two year olds to be dry at night, but then it was expected, as doing laundry was so much more difficult. One day when I called her she smacked me, and refused to speak to me for a whole day. I can actually remember tugging at her skirts, and her telling me to "go away" as I was a "dirty girl", and she "didn't love me". I think this scarred my psyche for life. She was very proud of doing this, and often told the story of how I was dry every night after this.

The thing is, she never meant any harm, she was just ignorant of the damage she was doing. Throughout my childhood and beyond my brother was always favoured by her, but, strangely, toward the last few years, I was the light of her life! I have had five children who she loved also. She always has had a great sense of dry humour, was very intelligent, and capable of virtually anything at all! Like my Darling Dad, who we lost a few years ago, she was generous to a fault.

I nursed her toward the end, and I am filled with grief for her, and just wish I could hug her tiny, frail body once more. The last thing she ever said was to me "Navy suits you" (I had a navy blue top on). I just can't forget the look in her eyes later on that day, she just wasn't there anymore. She died the following morning.

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Jul 03, 2012
Miss my Mum our arguments and laughs
by: Doreen U.K.

Estella I am sorry for your loss of your mother. Your story is not so different from many people who will identify with this.
Your mother must have faced some very painfull issues in her own childhood and so she passed this on now knowing she would do so. She didn't know anything else and so her behaviour to her was normal. even though it wasn't. I live in London England also and well you know the Victorians. STRICT to a fault.
I guess your mother must have felt guilty. She couldn't take back the things she said or did otherwise I am sure she would have said SORRY. Often as children we say. When I have children I am not going to treat them that way I was treated. And what do we do. We do exactly the same thing because it is all we know till we know better and often this comes with age and wisdom and maturity. By that time the children are all grown up and then some parents get a surprise to find out their children were not the happy little one they thought they were. They have grown up into hurt adults and they had issues to struggle with in life. Sadly it is at death that we become to realize how much we loved our parents. Your mother lived to a good age. Be proud of her despite her failings. My parents came from the harsh Victorian age. But we loved them and didn't hold anything against them because we understood the era they grew up in. As the generations evolve they are different. Going into counselling allows individuals to resolve issues from childhood so that when they have their own children they won't pass on a lot that their own children will struggle with. I suffered a lack of confidence from always being put down. What did I pass on. Lack of confidence. My children suffered with this badly and it affected their education.

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